note:

expect more regular updates again after the new year. the new hard drive has been ordered, so i'll have a computer at home again.

stream-of-consciousness xii

i feel like i have had any time or energy to do any substantial writing lately....most of the writing i have been able to do has either been for class or writing down the crazy dreams i've been having....there were three nights in a row, then one night of nothing, and i had another weird dream last night but i don't remember what happened....i remember mentioning a piece of it to someone but i can't remember what i said.

dreams are silly.

i don't actually believe that.

i'm always curious about interpretations, but i never feel like i can put too much stock in books or websites or other people....sometimes other people, but it depends on the person and how well they know me....

i keep being pleasantly surprised by the sunset when i turn around

there's a window behind me and i can see outside

flying at night was a cool experience. the moon followed me the whole way. and i swear i saw "hi god" written in the pattern of streetlights in one neighborhood close to baltimore.

still no computer. working on that. not in earnest. if the semester ends and i still have no hard drive, i will begin to work in earnest. because i must have my own computer for next semester. not that next semester will be substantially different from this one as far as courseload, at least i can't imagine it would, but .....it's just a convenience really. i'm learning that i don't actually need my own computer. except for in that way where "need" means "could really really use, and want badly."

the problem with not having time or energy to write is that inevitably, whenever you get the chance, you're so drained that you have nothing to say anyway.

exhaustion

yay for the first (?) staying-up-til-at-least-1-in-the-morning-
the-night-before-the-final-project-is-due.....

i honestly don't think i've done this before. and i kind of don't believe that it's finished. and it's not. i need to go home and play with markers and make it pretty. i must be forgetting something.

realization:

i'm allergic to my past.

how odd!

shit.

my hard drive just died.

currently seeking recommendations. my options are as follows:
1) replace the hard drive on my 2 1/2 year old Dell and hope for the best
2) buy a Macintosh
3) buy a non-Dell PC

also seeking sympathy, and people who live close to me who may be willing to let me use their computers. and someone who can retrieve my data for free or cheap (i have two leads on that one already).

mix tape i

the Run is in 3 days!!! i'm only spazzing out a little. i haven't done any homework yet this week....why start now?

high energy mix for the Run:
1) Everytime We Touch - Cascada
2) real world - Matchbox Twenty
3) Drain You - Nirvana
4) I Wanna Be Sedated - the Ramones
5) Growing On Me - the Darkness
6) Fight For Your Right - Beastie Boys
7) Woman - Wolfmother
8) I'll Make A Man Out Of You - from "Mulan"
9) Molly's Lips - Nirvana
10) Paint It Black - the Rolling Stones
11) Where's the Love - Hanson (yeah, i said it)
12) Even Flow - Pearl Jam
13) I'm On My Way - the Proclaimers
14) In Your Honor - Foo Fighters
15) sorry to burden you - No Way Josie
16) Festival Song - Good Charlotte
17) Drive My Car - the Beatles
18) Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake
19) Time Warp - from "Rocky Horror Picture Show"
20) i want you - Savage Garden
21) Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes
22) No Rain - Blind Melon
23) Still Here Waiting - Eve 6

Sonnet 58

if god had laid a plan for us to choose
those traits of others which we would prefer,
it stands to reason we'd have much to lose,
for that decision no one would defer,
and we would over-choose til all were gone.
if i'd remove that trait, and you'd take this,
but not elect another trait to don,
our prey would be worn down til breeze's kiss
could blow whatever's left of her away,
across the land where full folks would meet birth
before their worse selves were forbade to stay,
and soon no rounded person's left on Earth.
so this is why dissatisfaction's best:
if we could fix displeasure, who'd be left?
--11/3/2007

today, by the numbers:

2: episodes of pete & pete i watched this morning
3: times i rode the 59U
7: new pairs of underwear i bought (bottom)
2: closed stores i attempted to visit
2: stores i purchased things at
38.60: dollars i charged
3: dollars i owe another person (not the invisible credit card company)
106.50: dollars currently owed to me
17: dirty dishes in my sink
6: days until Regionals
14: days until the Run
22: days until Avenue Q
26: days until my Deaf Culture portfolio is due
38: days until my semester ends
0: pages of homework i've read/written/thought about so far this weekend

Sonnet 57

two new sonnets brought to us today by my morality & medicine class, a lack of sleep, and a possible overdose of allergy medicine (although i'm not quite sure). only one of them is getting posted right now because the other one is too personal and relevant at the moment. the reference is to Thanatopsis, for anyone who needs it.

---

Bryant spoke of lasting unity,
wherein the dead would reunite with Earth,
but one neglected detail ruins the
assumption: we are separate from birth.
his optimism i admired once,
and on a better day, i will again,
but now i feel he must have been a dunce!
i'll live and die as if there were no friends.
the Earth? a grave, a deep or shallow hole.
there is no comfort waiting in the dirt.
a fool would make his burial his goal,
but life is no less lonely, i'll assert.
his promise is no promise. it's been shown:
all living things on Earth will die alone.

stream-of-consciousness xi

procrastination

something about how this is words for the sake of words, and why is that necessary. i wish i had something more profound to say. i wish i had something to say. but if i have nothing to say, why am i writing? and why do i not write when i do have something to say? sometimes. that's what the last realization was about, for anyone who was wondering: but i don't want to elaborate because it would defeat the purpose. and here i go, defeating the purpose.

whenever i think about studying, all i want to do is sleep. actually it's quite often that all i want to do is sleep.

dave & busters today was fun. i think. it was not un-fun. i can't really take too much of shiny blinky places like that--they're too loud. and the sort of people i want to spend time with are not usually there. but it was kinda fun. i like coming out accidentally through the use of pronouns. i like it even better when i do it and then someone else at the table does, too. that was pretty awesome. and quite unexpected. because she hesitated when she caught that i had done it, and then later when we were alone she did the same. (because i thought she hesitated when...)

i should be studying. i want to take a nap. what is stream-of-consciousness anyway.....i don't think it actually happens. oh james joyce.....i wish i had the time and patience to read your work. ben. the firings of neurons.....myelin.

enough of this nonsense. let's post entries that are diametrically opposed to each other.

pictures to play with

these are some things i want available to play with for my profile or other uses. i'd hide this post but i don't know how.

realization:

*

misguided evangelism

never before have i said to myself as i walked across campus, “i’m SO blogging about this later!!”

-----
for much of today, a large crowd of Christian missionaries from “Free Gospel Bible Institute” gathered at all four corners of one of the busiest intersections on campus, with a large banner cautioning all manner of “heathens,” including “Adulterers,” “Lesbians,” and “Potty-Mouths!”, that the time has come to repent and change our ways.

three or four people told me about this before i had to walk through it to get to class....i had to take a quiz, so i was kind of in a rush the first time. a girl held out a pamphlet to me and said, “excuse me—if you died today, do you know where you’d go?”

i took her tract, said, “yup,” and kept walking.

i had half an hour to kill between classes and i needed to walk in that direction anyway, so i decided it would be a good idea to have a conversation with some of these people. by that time, a handful of my friends from the Rainbow Alliance had appeared and were standing around waiting for something to happen. i struck up a conversation with three girls who looked a little younger than myself (i’m 20), asking them why they were there and patiently listening to their explanations and poorly drawn analogies and bible verses.

i honestly believe it’s important to understand all sides of an issue, so if i have time, i like to have conversations with people whose opinions differ from my own. even if neither of us sways the other, i get a fuller picture of what’s going on and why people think the way they do.

shortly thereafter, a banner arrived for the Rainbow Alliance, which my friends proudly held high, giving one good round of “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.” after only a moment or two, a whisper went around, and the girls i had been trying to have a productive conversation with suddenly said, “we have to go now, but it’s been nice meeting you.” they handed me a few more tracts and hurriedly left.

what struck me the most was the absence of energy in those people. i looked in their eyes and saw that they were completely spiritually empty. i felt so sorry for them....when the one girl told me, “we’ll pray for you,” i told her, “i’ll pray for you too.” and i meant it.

a couple of minutes later, i realized that not only had they left, but all the people wearing their uniforms had crossed to the opposite corner of the intersection—as far away from us as possible. this struck me as the greatest hypocrisy and was the most offensive thing i’d experienced all afternoon. one of the girls had been telling me that they just want others to know the peace they’ve found and the love of God. clearly they haven’t been reading their bibles as closely as they tried to tell me they have, or they would have known that Jesus did not reject and avoid “sinners”—in fact, He spent most of His time with them.

i borrowed one of our big signs from our president, the one that says “Rainbow Alliance Welcomes You,” and I walked to the corner of the sidewalk, held it over my head and yelled:

“IF YOU WANT TO SAVE US, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO US! DON’T RUN AWAY!”

i returned the sign, said, “thank you; i feel better now,” and went to my next class.

-----
earlier this morning, i had a wonderful conversation with a woman named Susan from the Intra-Varsity Christian Fellowship. she was sitting at a table with a sign that said “free soda if you tell us who you think Jesus is.” i was intrigued (more by the question than the soda, believe it or not), so i stopped to talk to her. she was very receptive to my opinion, even though it was different from her own, but she didn’t try to explain her view or force it on me or tell me i was wrong for my ideas. she told me that she believes when people are looking for God, it’s because God is looking for them too, and it’s important to ask these kinds of questions. she invited me to conversations they’re hoping to organize in the spring, but i told her she was the first evangelical (though i hesitated to use the word) Christian i’d met who hadn’t utterly scared me away (which was not entirely true, Kyle). she seemed to understand, handed me a coke, and thanked me for talking with her. i want to talk with her again.

NCOD

Happy National Coming Out Day!!!

...it's been good.

thought:

i want to blame PMS for being absurdly over-emotional, but i hate it when girls do that.

stream-of-consciousness x

i am semi-inadvertently finishing the box of reduced-sugar cinnamon toast crunch that my roommate bought when she was stoned and didn't realize they were reduced-sugar.

today i met a girl on the bus who struck up a conversation with me when the two boys she was with (one her brother, one her ex) went up to go harass the bus driver and some other passengers. they are going to be famous rap musicians someday. i gave her my screen name and told her i don't have a cell phone number. i don't expect to hear from her ever.

it's funny how sometimes the people you think you want to see the most make you realize how far away you want to be from where they are. not because they're there, just because they're connected to other things you want to be far away from. or maybe from things you don't want to be far away from but need to be, for some reason, and they just remind you more of how much you wish you could be there. this is probably one of those instances where it would help more to be less vague.

i hesitate to call this "stream-of-consciousness" because i keep taking big pauses to eat more cinnamon toast crunch, and i think a lot without writing.

on thursday night i participated in a mix cd exchange, and i'm listening now to the one i picked up, and it is pretty good. i don't know any of the songs on it.

my proudest moment this week was when i told somebody i respect about something i want to try to do but don't think i'm good enough for (yet), and he looked me in the eye and said "you should"

....that occurs a lot in my personal writing, saying someone "looked me in the eye" as they said something. it is very significant to me....it means a lot. eye contact is a powerful thing, especially between certain pairs of people and at certain moments.

the pile of cinnamon sugar in the bottom of the bag is a picture i don't yet have an adjective for.

is it bad that it's been [a day and a half and] one night without you, and i miss you already?
i put another haiku on the magnetic poetry board

i haven't had to listen to "nights in white satin" on the way to class at all this week. i had been doing that pretty much every day....it's an amazing song. i told my roommate, "it's a strange moment when you realize that your parents listen to really good music." she didn't seem to have ever had a similar moment.

this week is going to be very long. i'll probably reach the end of it faster than i expect to. would anyone like to lend me a black or blue-metallic tie? or a pair of suspenders?

what i should have said

to the 14-year-old kid who thought he was being clever when he yelled down the street after me today, "are you a man?":

"more of one than you are."

found - three panel soul

so terribly true.

shaving my head

on september 2, 2007, i shaved my head. it was something i’d been thinking about doing off-and-on for a long time, and it finally happened, almost on a whim, but by no means accidentally. this has become an even more amazing experience than i expected it to be. the first week or so was by far the most impressive part, but it continues to give me reasons to pause.

the first thing i really noticed about it was that, walking down the street, i felt i had the right to look at anyone, however i wanted to. part of this may have been that i assumed they were looking at me too, which may or may not have been a fair assumption. many of them were, but all of them probably were not. it was an interesting sense of empowerment, and i’m not sure exactly what caused it.

before i shaved my head, i had my hair cut in a short, boyish style—or i should say, i thought i was in the process of growing it out from a short, boyish style. several people told me after the fact that they thought i looked more feminine this way. i think i agree with them. i’ve been rather genderqueer for some time; i like to mix & match traditional gender roles until i find a set that fit. i was surprised to find that i felt and probably acted more like a woman in the first week, and i might still. i haven’t felt as strong a need to express my boy side so visibly. perhaps doing something so far from the norms of femininity helped me to reclaim it, in the sense that my ideal of womanhood is an identity that allows me to express it however i see fit.

it may be cliché to note a sense of freedom from my body or from worldly attachments, as it were. hair is so important to so many people, especially growing up as a girl, and to get rid of it is also a very important act. a friend described it as “a shedding type of ritual... letting go of some old beliefs about yourself that no longer serve you, etc. The cutting of hair is very symbolic, and your extreme cutting says to me that you are finally in a place of stating loud and clear (to yourself as well as others) that you are clearing out the old and moving forward” . . . her ideas resonated very clearly with me, although i couldn’t tell you what the old beliefs are, unless this symbolic action is very delayed with respect to the concepts it represents. i can remember times when cutting my hair very definitely meant getting rid of the old and preparing to move forward, but this time . . . this time may have just been for the sake of moving—something that always thrills me.

the part that has struck me most is this: before, every time i would start to think seriously about shaving my head, i’d run into someone i knew who had just done it. of course i couldn’t do it then, for fear that i’d be following a trend (or that people would think i had only done it to follow a trend). when it finally happened, i decided i needed to stop caring or i was never going to do it. i still didn’t want it to be part of a trend, whether i chose to do it for that reason or not. surprisingly, once i had done it, i was excited to meet other women who had shaved their heads. there’s a sense of community there, of shared experience. instead of hoping few people do it, i want to encourage others to do it, to share in this amazing experience. i think everyone should try it once in their life, because it really does change you and make you reconsider a lot of things.

i hope that it will continue to affect my experience, to cause me to change and to reconsider.

random stuff on monday evening

this is just cool.

alright, now that that's done with. it's been almost a week and i haven't updated and that means i'm about to make up some stuff that i think might be worth reading.

ha . . . you thought i was kidding.

maybe you'd better just check out the link at the top.

---

magnetic poetry says:
"make green garden
an eternal fire"

---

this is what's hanging over my desk:


and this is what i've been downloading recently:

www.amybrownart.com


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12800498/

sonnet 55

since honesty should never be constrained,
i’m left with no recourse, you, with no fault.
how dare i blame you, though you cause me pain?
this is the most permissible assault
upon my heart. your words are sharp as swords,
although your blows are dulled by honest care
(or so i hope). your dignity affords
me naught in self-defense. is this unfair?
a blade knows not if striking flesh or stone
until its victim does or does not yield;
and even then, it may not see its own
response: to wit, should such a hurt be healed?
no wrong’s been done, but give my hurt a name!
the guilt will lie with me for placing blame.
--9/11/2007

rain

today it rained for the first time since i shaved my head. that was pretty awesome.

someday i will sit down and actually write about this experience, and find the right words for what exactly is so special about it. i shaved my head a week ago, and it sounds corny but i do believe i have changed. i wish i knew how or why. someday when i have energy and time for it, i will write about it. i keep meaning to do it, but i have a lot of things i keep meaning to do. i should make a list. that doesn't belong to the internet though.

i am sleepy and i have an early meeting. i will go to bed now, i think.

i've made my feelings for you abundantly clear, and though i don't feel the need to continue doing that, they have not changed.

you, on the other hand, might have to get an email sometime soon.

synchronicity

alright, universe, what's going on.

wyep tonight (local npr, effectively) is driving me up the wall. a band called White Rabbits playing a song called "Sea of Rum." and now i don't even know what i'm listening to but it goes:

"i loved you, and you loved her, and i sort of loved her because i love everything you love"
"i don't know why i love you, but i do....i really do....and it doesn't do me any good, in fact it does me bad."

it took the second repetition of the chorus for it to hit me. this girl has a really cute voice, also.

and who was it i needed to talk to today, so i did?....

Starlee Kine? we'll look it up.

found - questionable content

teehee

joni mitchell

so i found myself in a best buy yesterday and ended up buying two cds, "absolute garbage" (i like the first half better than the second half; what is it that makes hardcore female rockers go soft later in their careers?), and joni mitchell's "blue." i saw it on the shelf and thought, "this is going to change my life," and i bought it.

i am rapidly falling in love with joni mitchell.

how did it take me this long to find her? (how did it take me this long to find a lot of things...) her lyrics are incredible, her voice is beautiful, and she's so....blue. listening to her makes me want to write a song. songs. volumes. most notably tonight, "all i want" and "little green."

extra points if you find all the places i put joni mitchell lyrics on the internets tonight.

---

Born with the moon in Cancer
Choose her a name she will answer to
Call her green and the winters cannot fade her
Call her green for the children who have made her
Little green, be a gypsy dancer.
.....
Just a little green
Like the color when the spring is born
There'll be crocuses to bring to school tomorrow
Just a little green
Like the nights when the Northern lights perform
There'll be icicles and birthday clothes
And sometimes there'll be sorrow.
.....

---

in other news....first week of classes went well. thoughts on the fall color scheme? maybe it will bring autumn a little sooner. the lunar eclipse the other night was magnificent on a level i can't quite label yet. yesterday was...so many adjectives. i am presently, so many adjectives.

in lieu of flowers

so i haven’t been wanting to talk about this with many people, and i still don’t, but it deserves writing.

someone i went to elementary & middle school with died of cancer on sunday morning. he was one week shy of his 21^st birthday. i found out sunday evening, through, of all things, facebook. i hadn’t talked to him in something like eight years, but it still hit me pretty hard.

i had the hugest crush on this kid for a long time, lol.* he had the most incredible smile anyone i know has ever seen. was always in the habit of lighting up rooms and that nonsense. he helped teach me to play soccer when i was in fifth grade, and that’s how i’ll always remember him, i hope. i didn’t like the things i heard about him in high school, although it seems unfair to say that now.

i cried more out of shock than anything else, i think. i don’t generally cry when people die....although maybe that is becoming untrue. i did not know how to react to this, and it’s likely that i still don’t. i haven’t had to deal with death since i had a rather substantial spiritual reorganization a few months ago . . . i need to figure out how this fits into, well, everything. **

i feel a strange mix of guilt, ambivalence, and confusion . . . guilt because i’m 250 miles away, the funeral is tomorrow, and there’s no way i can make it back. however, i don’t really think that going to the funeral would help me at all. i’d just be seeing a bunch of people i haven’t seen in a really long time, none of whom expect me to be there. there are no right words i can say to any of them, and no right words any of them could say to me. i tend to think funerals are silly, and i think that would make me unwelcome, even if i were the only one who knew it. ultimately, each person grieves privately. guilt also because i haven’t kept in touch with any of these people well enough . . . tragedy makes you realize that in a big way. confusion because i have no idea how to react to all of this. at least, i have no idea how i’m supposed to react to all of this. part of me feels like i don’t have the right to grieve for him: i haven’t seen or talked to him since about 7^th grade, i’ve thought unkind things about him in the meantime, and there are many more people who have been much closer to him than i have.

i wrote a song, and it helped.

the morning after i found out, i ran into the lady who does housekeeping for my building as i was leaving. she had a big smile on her face and welcomed me back (i just moved back on campus after the summer), and she showed me a picture on her cell phone and said, “this is our new addition! as of last night.” her new grandson had just been born. i couldn’t help being happy for her, but i started crying as i walked away. that kind of stark juxtaposition can really help to put things in perspective. people are born and die every day.

i won’t say you shoulda met him, because how could i know at this point. but god, did that kid have an amazing smile.

goodbye, nic/k . . . you will be missed, and you have made more of a difference than you probably know.


--
*i choose my words carefully. “lol” means exactly what i want it to mean.
**at this point, “brighter than sunshine” came up on pandora, and it messed with my head a little bit more. then i had to leave for a couple hours to do things.

things i have enjoyed this week:

sitting outside for 2 hours with someone i don't see often enough, talking about things that matter.

croquet with good company.

mom's banana bread, and sharing it.

making introductions.

walking barefoot on the grass.

seeing the stars from a huge backyard during a good conversation.

seeing the stars from a moonroof driving through the suburbs.

seeing the stars crisscrossed by powerlines as we walk hand-in-hand between our apartments.

the bus ride to and from the airport.

consistent internet.

moving all my things into an exciting new apartment.

unpacking some of my favorite things that i haven't seen in four months.

not being tired despite getting less than three hours of sleep.

the decemberists.

wearing my wings.

being totally happy to be exactly where i am at a given moment.

found - post secret

i was thinking how much i wanted to post something today, because it's been a while, but i didn't know what, because i wanted it to be meaningful. (i always do, but sometimes that's more important than others.) then i came across this:



postsecret.blogspot.com

end-of-summer musings

i am sitting under the stairs in the UHC so i can use teh internets and plug in my computer. i am one meeting away from my work for the summer being done (well, two, if you count the one with my advisor in the morning). i am killing time in the air conditioning, waiting for you to call, so i don't have to be in my hot and stuffy apartment in the 90+ degree weather with the heat advisory from the national weather service until 8pm.

i have 22 pages of a paper sitting in front of me, and i don't feel like it could possibly be finished. i should be panicking at 2 o'clock this morning; it's not due until noon tomorrow. i made a real poster, which i didn't think i was going to get the chance to do, and it's simple but effective. i can't comprehend the possibility that i have nothing to do.

and i know there are things i could be doing. but there's nothing i need to do.

i'm kind of overwhelmed by the idea of the summer ending, to be honest. it's been such an amazing summer. i've met great new people, and re-met some others; made incredible friendships, some from scratch and some with existing foundations; and reasserted my independence. i've found closure. i've learned more about the universe than in the last few years combined. i've paid rent for the first time. i spent my first birthday away from home. i've done work that has meaning, even if only to me, and i've loved it so much that i'm trying to find ways to continue it. i've walked everywhere and flown several times. i visited home and didn't want to kill myself or my mother at the end of ten days.

i wonder if it will be a bigger challenge to readjust to school starting again, having been here. the bubble that occurs when i spend time at home won't exist, because i've spent the whole time here. the first two weeks after everyone moved out were so strange, because campus was so empty, but now i'm used to it and i think it will be even stranger during the first two weeks when everyone comes back. i kind of enjoy having things mostly to myself.

i should be reading, either the abstract booklet (another exciting physical product of the summer) or through the looking glass. or trying to get down to target--that can be tomorrow afternoon, or sometime this weekend, depending on who i can convince to come with me.

i feel like i am somewhere right now, and it's not defined by my work or my location or my company.
it's a satisfying feeling, i think.

creativity

i wrote a new song last night....in one sitting....quite an accomplishment for me.
it sucks, but don't they all.
it's hazy outside.....i hope it's raining.

i have these notions of updating this regularly.....it may or may not ever happen. i'd like to get it to at least once a week. thoughts?

realization:

lol do you ever realize something silly like the fact that all the IM conversations in your start bar are with people you have kissed?

stream-of-consciousness ix

maybe this is what i should have been doing last night instead of writing an email. although that turned out really well.

i'm in that terrible place for a writer of knowing i have something to say but having no idea what it is or how to get to it. there are words that want to come pouring out of me, and i don't know how to tap them, and they won't come to me without being summoned. it's frustrating. there is something bubbling up in me that i can't identify or stop or start. not being able to start it is the bigger problem, i think.

words words words words words.....and the occasional typo; whatever......just, something, please.....

maybe this feeling of something needing to burst out of me is what they call "love." i hesitate. i need to. i hate that word; i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards. actually i don't hate the rewards; those are pretty nice. but it fit.

too soon to say. way too soon to say.

i no longer like rhyming. unless it's a sonnet or something else that's supposed to rhyme. i like those flowing run-ons that sounds like water and make me want to go play in the forest. i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards.

and where did you go?.....

(needy much?)

wtf.....pandora amuses me.

i feel better tonight, but i've still got a way to go until i'm totally better. i hurt less.
*music plays*
medicine is still my friend, maybe. i didn't think that earlier.

and here the words stall. god dammit!

my past is finally behind me. what does that mean? what should it mean? is there a should? particularly in this case.....

"love" can mean way too many things. "in love" can mean substantially fewer. maybe i should be more specific about risks and connotations and too-soons.

today i read alice's adventures in wonderland again. had i ever read it all the way through? i wasn't sure. i'm hungry. that's a problem. i don't feel like....eh, y'know. laziness rules all. it's after 11:30 at night and i don't need to be eating anything anyway. i want nachos.....oh, god, but i miss nachos. where is shannon?

my life!!!!

songs that used to be sad are not sad anymore.

i want to be happy! i AM happy!! is this allowed?.....

i think i am starting to grow up.....and that thought scares the shit out of me.

"when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know. so follow the leader down, and swallow your pride and drown. when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know."

sooner or later, stream-of-consciousness has to end. and whether anything has come of it....remains to be seen? no, i don't like that phrase. there's another one i want. what is it. (and) whether anything has come of it, doesn't matter. regardless of whether anything has come of it. bah.

i am so much more than i expected to be. am i what i expected to be?

tonight i read a bunch of old letters i wrote and never sent, in middle school. i found one i wrote to myself when i was 13, asking if i was making the right choice about high school and telling me i should get in touch with a couple of my old friends. and it was funny; i wrote then about needing to write and feeling like the only way to deal with these frustrations was to write, and i wrote that i hoped i would still understand, because otherwise a lot of time when i was young would have been a waste. i guess i wasn't kidding when i said i'd never forget what it was like to be that age, at least parts of it. funny how i can be a grown-up in some ways and still so much like myself as a child in others. i don't think the need to write is something i'll ever want to grow out of.

i feel not quite satisfied; i think there's a story hiding here somewhere. but that seems like a good place to stop.

thought:

there are no coincidences.

there is a picture of a fox on my living room wall.

sonnet 54

the hearts of human brothers often call
to each his other, lest the other be
awake to hear the voice that would enthrall
and offer love to make both brothers free
to love and live uncompromisingly.
but if someone will open not his heart,
he’ll lose much more than one friend’s love, we see:
he will not of community take part.
close not your heart! if you should think it strange
that someone reaches out, but not to touch.
too many feel this way, and we must change,
or we will face the loss of far too much.
romantic love will not the world unite;
we need a base of brothers to love right.
7/11/2007

stream-of-consciousness viii

i am hating itunes and my ipod right now. i had to wipe my ipod because it wouldn't talk to my computer anymore, and now itunes won't run to put music back on it. i've tried to "end the nonresponsive program" three times now and it still won't go away. ctrl+alt+del. do it.....still not working. right-clicking in the start bar didn't work either. five times. i hate my computer. i kinda want a new one, but at the same time i'm afraid i'll need to get one. if i do, i'm making it a mac. enough of this shit. but i'd rather not spend the money and i won't be able to get my parents to do it for me. they just bought my brother a computer for his high school graduation, and it was a dell because dells are cheapest. (read: that's what i'm dealing with right now.) i actually have no idea if my problems have to do with the kind of computer i'm using. but i choose to believe that getting a different kind of computer can't hurt.

i wrote something today. it almost had a plot. not really. but i got very excited about it, because i don't write things often. at least, not things like that. i write in my journal almost every day, and i write stuff here on occasion (still not very often, but more often than i write things that i think of as "writing"; we could argue about that sometime)

i don't like that parenthesis and the way it makes the sentence go but this is stream-of-consciousness so i'm leaving it.

i might post it at some point. who knows. i need a tag for "fiction." i just started tagging things. i don't know if that's useful. somebody got in touch with me over facebook saying he'd read a bunch of my poetry, so maybe he used it. that would make it useful.

i went to a party tonight, but i swear i'm sober. my roommate doesn't believe me, but it's true. you're not going to believe me either, because people who insist on their sobriety usually don't possess it. believe what you want. i know what's true.

fucking itunes. fucking computer.

anyway, the party was good. i won't write about it too much. good company and fun times. and who knows what other people will remember in the morning.

i'm debating just going to bed. i'm waiting for someone to call me. at one o'clock on friday morning. the thing is, as i discussed with my roommate just a few minutes ago, no matter what i might do earlier in the evening, there's still only one person i really want to be going back to at the end of the night.

who would have thought that would change.

if you're reading this (an earlier you), which i assume you're not but you might be......i don't know what i hope your reaction is so i can't anticipate it or

FUCKING ITUNES!!!

...so i can't anticipate it or respond to it. but i'm okay with you now, and i hope you're okay with me....that's what i was getting at in that email, and i'm not sure you understood. i should have just said it straightforwardly.

i know that some things don't belong on the internet, but i did that in the last two stream-of-consciousnesses at least. this is all going up. i'm not saying anything harmful, and i don't believe i'm even saying anything particularly insensitive.

my window is open and there's almost a breeze. it is 66 degrees outside, or so my taskbar tells me. fucking itunes. why won't my computer work.

i wrote something today....

and why won't you call. i might just go to bed; what an idea.

i don't know how i feel about that.

i wonder when i should stop this. phone!!

sonnet 50

yes i know it's out of order, but after posting the last one i realized this one had never gone up. the ones in between aren't worth publishing.

---

if once creative impulse chance to die,
what likelihood it has to rise anew?
despite one’s wishes that it be revived,
one’s left with little recourse. what to do?
if one could find a reason to create,
an inspiration by a noble cause,
one might be moved to write, to draw, to make
a piece of anything worth giving pause.
alas! i suffer still from lack of muse!
but wonder at this clue that one’s been found . . .
if but a day of meaning could so move
to bold attempt, i’d best keep you around!
when next to paper you will force my pen,
i’ll owe you much, and tell you such again.

sonnet 53

i debate posting this. i always do. but in the end, the desire to be known or understood always wins.

---

i’ve lost my sense of all things good to know
and sit, awash in affect too sincere;
i cannot blame what’s left of afterglow,
and wish i knew how to allay this fear,
for all i want’s to tell you were i stand
and ask if you’ll consent to join me there,
but it’s already tried and ruined land,
and you have been there with me, i’m aware.
alas, i feel i don’t deserve the chance
to show what once i lost i may have found;
i gave it up, but if your patience grants,
i’ll prove that, though i can’t say it aloud,
i fall slowly, but this is no less true:
i can’t find words for the way i love you.

this belongs somewhere

i think i reached a new level of androgyny today....
as i was waiting to cross the street, a construction worker called me "buddy"

like a journal

today has been almost entirely devoted to a new webcomic (venusenvy.comicgenesis.com), and i've been in my apartment all day except for my research meeting. which got out before three o'clock today for the first time in...weeks....the last two weeks it's run til 4....

sometimes it's important to have days where you sit around and do nothing and take a nap at 5:30.

i also found my ace bandage and used it, which was kind of exciting....until about an hour ago when it started to hurt and i said hm, maybe i should undo that. i kinda wished i'd had somewhere to go. i'm not going out tonight because i don't want to go where people are going, much less pay for it. and apparently my roommates are throwing a party this weekend....

i am discovering new music and meeting people and rediscovering some people i already almost knew. none of it is leading to any great conclusions (except "weight of lies" by the avett brothers pretty well describes my life. "when you run make sure you run to something and not away from, 'cause lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere").

i'm usually productive on fridays, but i usually wake up early for reasons not my own. we'll see what happens tomorrow. this weekend should prove to be interesting. i will be guitar-less come sunday.

magnetic poetry 4, 5, 6

if a little promise makes dark
beauty falls to green garden
there will never be an eternal spring

---

please say
i can do good for you too

---

my hot winter
always here bad

frustration

MINE
WON'T
DIE.

happy birthday

you don't read this anymore
because you don't want to hear from me
but i need to say it somewhere.

i'll never know if you got them--
it doesn't really matter
does it

a wrinkle in time

to Know that this is not fiction, that there are creatures who Are Love, that it is possible to be ALL LOVE . . . to Know that Renee can hear me, and that knowing what she would say is the same as being able to hear her reply (the same way i Know what God would say, even when i don't want Her to be right) . . . to Know that i have my very own Aunt Beast and a place i can always come Home to, even though i've never lived there . . . is almost overwhelming. . . . this chapter makes me want to cry, need to write, need to go on. . . . I wish [he] could see that i need him not to be accustomed to it, or at least not to treat me like i shouldn't be in awe of it . . . he could be such a great help to me, if he [were able to/would] respect where i am with it now, in light of (or in spite of) where he has been . . .

i have no idea what color i am right now . . .

--from a paper notebook

(and maybe it should have been kNow)

naming names (or initials)

sometimes it's nice to throw things out into the internet/blogosphere/intar-wubs or what-have-you with the confidence that most people will never read it and the possibility that they will....this way i'm not responsible for their recepetion.

a- you should send me emails this summer. i always wonder.

b- i think maybe i could fall in love with you more easily than with anyone else.

g- i'm still waiting for you to hear me. being in this place makes me want to be louder, and at the same time makes me know even more that it would just be a waste of time.... there are so many things i still want to say to you, but they are also all the same thing, and i've said it so many times before.

j- you feel like my only safe place.

m- this is called a "crush" because it goes away. i'm pretty happy about that.

r- i am so proud of you.

s- so i understand a little better now, but i'm still not sure why you felt that way about us. i'm not sure i want to know.

d- ..... still nothing of substance. i'll let you know. it has to do with the fact that i already grieved for this life, and i don't need to be reminded of the possibility that it could still exist. i'm sorry that you want to spend more time with me; i don't feel compelled. yes, it was nice--let's not spoil it.

day of silence 2007

this is why i am an activist.

i meant to write about this sooner, but then life happened, as it tends to do.

wednesday, april 18 was the national day of silence to raise awareness about discrimination against LGBTQ individuals. it was my second year as a participant. in one of my classes, i handed out a few of the cards we get to explain why we're not speaking, and at the end of class, somebody gave this one back to me.

this is exactly what the day of silence is about.

i want to frame it and hang it somewhere i will be often, as a reminder that there is still work to do and it affects real people, people i know and see every day....and people i don't. it's the first time i've ever felt comfortable with the word "activist" and truly wanted to claim it for myself. there are so many ways to be an activist, many of them much quieter than the first images that come to mind. you don't have to be loud, you don't have to be obnoxious; you just have to care and be willing to say so--or, in some cases, not say anything.

magnetic poetry 3

if you were to let fly my fire
believe your rain would season me for summer
i am little flower without you
but grow anew in this us

anxious question:

how many ways are there to misinterpret that?!

being chased down a hallway and asked "are you busy tonight?....did you wanna watch that movie?" which necessarily involves an invitation to my apartment.

i'm so fucked. let's not talk about it.

drag show.

it really doesn't take long to pack for a two-day trip. that has nothing to do with anything.

preface: last night was our Rainbow Alliance's annual Pride Week Drag Show. (you know these things are Important because i capitalize them.) there were 13 performers, queens and kings, and a rather wide variety of musical selections. i performed to marilyn manson's version of "tainted love." it was my first time performing in a real drag show.

and can we please talk about how awesome it was.

there's something so empowering about becoming someone other than yourself and taking a stage in front of 400 people, knowing you are totally in control of everything that's about to happen. ms v (my drag mentor) told me beforehand when i was nervous that that was how it would be, and i didn't really believe her until i got up there. but wow.....

people tipped me in fun ways. ways that undoubtedly enhanced my act beyond what i could have done myself. thank you. and i knew a lot of them, too, which was so much fun . . . my little was smiling so big; i'm glad she was having fun. =) and other brothers, too... heh.

i think i scared a couple people before i went up with the character....cuz you have to be in it onstage, but it's hard to do that without getting into it earlier....i don't think i smiled for the previous half-hour....

there aren't really any flattering pictures of this, at least not that i've seen. i want to see the video. also because i missed a lot of the other performances, and that makes me sad.

a bunch of us went out to a restaurant in drag afterwards. that was a trip.

i'm not really writing what i wanted to be writing about this. it was such an amazing experience, and i think it deserves a lot of written attention. i want to do it again....and again and again!! i hesitate to say it was the most fun experience i've ever had, but it definitely comes close. and "fun" isn't even the right word, although it was certainly that.... it was much bigger than that.

my best compliment of the evening: "your performance reminded me that i'm not straight."

this is getting posted even though it's dumb.

i'd like to make this a weekly or other kind of semi-regular blog but i don't think that's feasible for another month or so at least. stupid school. i like school but i'm done with this semester.

also i'm going home for the weekend; i forget what i wanted to say about that, but i did want to say something. i should wash my dishes before i leave; that's what it was. it seems like such an obvious thing to do when i think of other people reading it.

it's the boots, i think.

firsts

tonight i experience silence for the first time in years at least, if not ever. i walked down ohara/bigelow instead of fifth ave to get home from upper campus, and somewhere between the engineering building and the newman center, the last car passed and i was struck with this suspicion that the only sound was coming from my feet on the pavement. so i stopped.....

and it was silent.

there was some far-off road noise from whereever it is that cars always are, but that was the only sound i could hear. i looked up to see if there were stars, too, but i was standing between too many streetlights. it was... profound. and overwhelming. i felt like i should have stayed in it for longer, and at the same time i was frightened by what might be hiding in it. ultimately, the fact that it was 10:00 at night and i needed to get home won the fight for largest motivation.

---

the other day i met the kid who doesn't wear shoes. i had a class with him last semester, and i see him around sometimes, and i think it's awesome that he doesn't wear shoes. i was walking back from class, and he was sitting cross-legged right in the middle of the sidewalk i was walking on. so i said, "excuse me...could i interrupt you for a minute?" and explained how i had a class with him and think it's awesome that he doesn't wear shoes and i wanted to introduce myself. and he told me his name and i told him mine and we shook hands. and i asked him why he doesn't wear shoes and he said "because i don't like them" like it was the stupidest question he'd ever heard and he probably gets it way too much and assumes people often aren't asking it when they want to.

he treated me like i was weirder than he is, which i am, but like he thought that was a bad thing. so the kid who doesn't wear shoes is not as cool as i always imagined he was. some things are better left unsaid, i guess.

jitters

i feel shaky, and i'm not sure why. i thought maybe it was because i hadn't eaten properly, but every time i listen to "tainted love" it gets worse. this is not a good sign. i kinda have to not be nervous just from hearing that song. maybe it's because of the proposition i want to make that could totally be taken the wrong way. argh....

girls are trouble.

i'm probably more interested in whatever you're doing than in whatever i'm doing right now. you probably don't read this. that's probably a good thing. if you did, would you know i was writing about you? and would that be a good thing....

people need to stop happening to me. i need to go be a hermit in the woods or something, until i figure out how to deal with people. but then, if i went to be a hermit in the woods, i wouldn't really learn how to deal with people, would i? you kind of need experience to learn how to do things.

i don't even know what to say at this point. i'm scared to say anything, to anyone, but i'm dying for conversation. we should have coffee soon. yes, you. you're the only one who reads this anyway. or maybe not coffee, since i'm jittery already. hm.

i wonder....let's see if this helps.

neat. that was a pretty color. i think. i second-guess them a lot still. (yeah...we really should talk soon.)

it seems to still be true that everything i could do would be wrong, but somehow i also know that's not true. which is reassuring and terrifying, because there's a lot more pressure that way to do [choose] the right thing.

i'm enjoying the itunes network right now. and the smiths, or at least the one song. i need to read perks again. and a wrinkle in time. and a bunch of other things i still haven't gotten around to. you told me once that your reading list should never stop growing, but what if it only grows? it doesn't do much good to have a reading list and never read anything on it....

i'm worried about a couple i know. that always sucks. it's nice to have a couple you can live vicariously through when you can't seem to keep from fucking up relationships. but when they have problems....where do you go?

i feel a little calmer now. maybe i'll try to read some of that stuff i'm supposed to be doing for class....right.

thought:

this weekend is going to be very strange, especially after everyone leaves. maybe there will be more posts.

open letter:

dear world,
you suck. even when you're trying to be nice.
love,
me

thought:

it makes me sad that nirvana's "breed" is in a commercial for a major-league baseball video game.

why am i awake.

magnetic poetry 2

cry, my goddess
take all you want
use what there is
i will make do
without for you

daring to be read

i am a masochistic little stalker, and i know it. and i know i did you wrong, and i know i deserve to hurt for it. and maybe that's why i do it. also to look for proof that you're happy, or maybe not too happy.

i love you, i miss you, i'm sorry. that's really all there is to say, and i'm sorry if i've said it too many times. i'm waiting for you to hear me.

Magnetic Poetry for MLK Day

I dream of another freedom
which will see the sun on
this blue full moon
when never light above blooms

---

the great thing about magnetic poetry is that it doesn't need to make sense. and it usually doesn't. expect more of these; i got a magnetic poetry calendar for christmas.

New Year

i feel full of life and surrounded by beautiful people
but like i am in desperate need of that one right person
and i don't know who it is.

today is promise.
it is also a jarring return to real life,
after the distractions of last week.

the convention was amazing. i am enthusiastic
and energetic.
i also made my drag debut.
the character needs work,
but we do with what we have.

last night....
adjectives defy me.

"so this is the new year,
and i don't feel any different"