paragraphs from quarantine

I woke up this morning with my right eye crusted shut, confirming last night's suspicion that I was developing pinkeye. MedExpress opened two hours later (what's this adult thing of waking up at workday time on the weekend?), so I wasted no time in seeking prescriptions to heal it. Now I'm quarantined alone at home until at least tomorrow.

I'm an introvert, and I appreciate my alone time. But there's something different about being told you're not allowed to be around other humans. I value the choice to seclude myself, or to seek others, or to be alone in a place where I might encounter someone. I had plans today! I'm supposed to be somebody's birthday wish fairy! Fortunately, their birthday isn't really until tomorrow, so I have a little time to let antibiotics work and make me less contagious. I'm upset with my body for spoiling somebody else's plans.

I'm reading a book that I'm really excited about. Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant. One of my autism research idols wrote a book reflecting on his 40-year career in the field. He trained as a speech language pathologist, too. It's been a while since I've picked up a book and wanted to keep picking it up until I read every page. The basic drive behind the book is that we ought to stop trying to fix people with autism, and try to understand them instead. I'm positively delighted every time I encounter someone who shares this belief and articulates it meaningfully.

So that's what I'm doing today. I suppose I could provide some life updates, too. I guess the biggest one is that I am legally divorced, as of late December. Happy New Year, indeed. Getting that piece of paper evoked such a complicated mix of emotions. Functionally, it changes nothing. We have lived apart for over two years, and most days, my life does not involve him at all. I am independent. The divorce decree represents the close of a chapter, the conclusion of a long, expensive, and emotionally exhausting process. People expect me to feel some kind of closure, but there is none. This is merely a long overdue legal measure that does nothing to change my feelings about him or the situation, and little to advance the stage of my healing. There is far more to my recovery from my abusive relationship than just the dissolution of my marriage.

An interesting thing happened right around New Year's. This is the calendar year in which I turn 30. Yeah, age is just a number n'at. But something about it feels significant. And maybe it is this realization: I am an adult. Therefore, whatever I do is what an adult does. Having that realization has relieved some of the pressure to act like a grown-up.

I still plan to apply to PhD programs, and I'm going to wait another year. I went to a big ol' speech pathology convention in November, where I made some connections and discovered that my niche is even smaller than I thought it was. I need to learn some more things before I can feel confident committing to spending the next several years of my life in a place. The likelihood of attending school in Pittsburgh is incredibly small. I am putting off confronting the reality of that.

I am okay.

on late blooming

a friend described herself last night as "a late-blooming introvert," with which i identified completely. i have only recently come to this understanding of myself as an introvert and embracing of the label. it's not that i don't like people, or that i want to be by myself all the time; it's that i find my strongest energy within myself, not in others.

for a very long time, i tried to behave like an extrovert, because i felt that was what was expected of me. apparently, i learned to play the role well. but even when i mustered up the most out-goingness--or, more realistically, built close enough connections with people that i felt comfortable being my authentic self with them--i have always needed to return to myself to re-center. i have to be comfortable with myself before i can spend the energy on social interactions.

i'm going through a pretty extended process of re-centering right now. i spend a lot of time by myself, and sometimes i feel kind of funny about that. but i appreciate the opportunity to get to know myself and adjust to what my life has become (and is becoming).

i suspect that a lot of introverts feel a lot of guilt about being introverts, and try to take to heart all the lessons we're taught about the need to be outgoing and make friends and (shudder) network. i want to build my own personal network at my own pace and take the time to get to know people. i'm shy, and i want to be reached out to before i introduce myself. sometimes that takes time. it doesn't mean i don't want to do it, it just means that it's hard for me, so i want to be able to choose when and how i approach people.

it takes time to recognize and understand your own thought processes, habits, and ways of relating to the world. i think that introverts are uniquely prepared to relate to other people, because they are more likely to know how they relate to themselves. these kinds of lessons are valuable.

i highly recommend Susan Cain's TED talk "the power of introverts." if you need to feel empowered by your introversion/shyness/need for solitude, watching this is a good way to do it.
http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
(thank you B =) )

Meyers-Briggs

we got into a discussion about personality types at work yesterday. when i outed myself as an I, my coworker responded, "you're an I?? no way, i definitely thought you were an E."

i said "thank you, i put a lot of work into appearing that way."

what does it mean that my perception of myself is so different from how others perceive me?

hypothesis:

Introversion may be fundamentally exhausting.