28 April 2006

before going home

i should be writing on paper, but i want to put this somewhere that other people might read it. really, i want to put it somewhere that you might read it, even though you don't know who you are. suffice it to say, this is addressed to someone.

i am listening to the end of ten, the part that isn't a song and comes after "release" and i should really get you into pearl jam. it doesn't sound like most of the stuff you listen to, but the words....and a few songs are just....i don't know.

it feels like a rearviewmirror kind of day.

it's only everything.....oh, god. i'm dreading going home, really i am. for so many reasons....it was so strange, watching everyone pack up and go away, and by the time i was packing up there was no one to keep me company, and by the time i leave there will be no one to say goodbye....realizing how much i'm going to miss shannon and how much i already missed you, because we don't really talk anymore, between engineering and the fact that i'm always surrounded by gay people.....i'm tired and i'm shaking and i don't know why. not really.....it's more of an extended twitch? and only in my left arm, and i'm not sure what that means.....

supposedly the store manager who doesn't want me to work there isn't going to be there much longer, and i take it with a grain of salt but it could be true, and it makes me want to go back....i wanted to go back anyway, but now i think it will be ok....

so two people who i'm not sure how i feel about broke up, and i'm not sure how i feel about the fact that they broke up, and no one will talk to me about it, and i want to know everything but i'm afraid i don't have a right to--actually, i'm pretty sure i don't have a right to, but i'm afraid of what might be the reason--typing comes so much easier than pen to paper; it's so much faster--and i'm afraid of going home to face that, and deal with it, and see all those places and all those people and spring break this year nearly killed me, and i can live with my family and won't mind that and the food will be good and oh, i'll cook for myself next year and get away from campus food, but it's everything else in my town....my house is fine, my family is fine, but i've got to get out of that town....

i don't think after this i will ever go back.

mostly i want you to understand that i love words, and i take them very seriously, but some words can mean so many different things....and i don't want you to get the wrong idea from an anonymous note that sounds very serious and was, but not in the way that i hope you don't take it....love is such a strong word, and it means so many things....

i want to cry, i need to sleep. maybe i'll cry myself to sleep. that's always a good one. i should pack up my computer before i go to bed. god, i'm tired.....in so many ways.

you were my first friend here, it occurred to me today. and one of my favorite memories from this year is the night we came sat in the window in the honors college for two hours watching snow.

12 April 2006


the daffodils are all dying, and tulips just aren't the same.