in lieu of flowers

so i haven’t been wanting to talk about this with many people, and i still don’t, but it deserves writing.

someone i went to elementary & middle school with died of cancer on sunday morning. he was one week shy of his 21^st birthday. i found out sunday evening, through, of all things, facebook. i hadn’t talked to him in something like eight years, but it still hit me pretty hard.

i had the hugest crush on this kid for a long time, lol.* he had the most incredible smile anyone i know has ever seen. was always in the habit of lighting up rooms and that nonsense. he helped teach me to play soccer when i was in fifth grade, and that’s how i’ll always remember him, i hope. i didn’t like the things i heard about him in high school, although it seems unfair to say that now.

i cried more out of shock than anything else, i think. i don’t generally cry when people die....although maybe that is becoming untrue. i did not know how to react to this, and it’s likely that i still don’t. i haven’t had to deal with death since i had a rather substantial spiritual reorganization a few months ago . . . i need to figure out how this fits into, well, everything. **

i feel a strange mix of guilt, ambivalence, and confusion . . . guilt because i’m 250 miles away, the funeral is tomorrow, and there’s no way i can make it back. however, i don’t really think that going to the funeral would help me at all. i’d just be seeing a bunch of people i haven’t seen in a really long time, none of whom expect me to be there. there are no right words i can say to any of them, and no right words any of them could say to me. i tend to think funerals are silly, and i think that would make me unwelcome, even if i were the only one who knew it. ultimately, each person grieves privately. guilt also because i haven’t kept in touch with any of these people well enough . . . tragedy makes you realize that in a big way. confusion because i have no idea how to react to all of this. at least, i have no idea how i’m supposed to react to all of this. part of me feels like i don’t have the right to grieve for him: i haven’t seen or talked to him since about 7^th grade, i’ve thought unkind things about him in the meantime, and there are many more people who have been much closer to him than i have.

i wrote a song, and it helped.

the morning after i found out, i ran into the lady who does housekeeping for my building as i was leaving. she had a big smile on her face and welcomed me back (i just moved back on campus after the summer), and she showed me a picture on her cell phone and said, “this is our new addition! as of last night.” her new grandson had just been born. i couldn’t help being happy for her, but i started crying as i walked away. that kind of stark juxtaposition can really help to put things in perspective. people are born and die every day.

i won’t say you shoulda met him, because how could i know at this point. but god, did that kid have an amazing smile.

goodbye, nic/k . . . you will be missed, and you have made more of a difference than you probably know.


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*i choose my words carefully. “lol” means exactly what i want it to mean.
**at this point, “brighter than sunshine” came up on pandora, and it messed with my head a little bit more. then i had to leave for a couple hours to do things.