22 July 2011


i've been having some crazy dreams lately. apparently there are some interactions my subconscious feels the need to complete, whether or not i'll get the opportunity in my waking life. last night i dreamed that i literally knocked somebody out of a performance they were hijacking and then told them, "you are a gluttonous, selfish exhibitionist. selfish. it's embarrassing, really." then my subconscious thought that sentence was so perfect that dream-me needed to go write it down. so i guess i can honor my subconscious for getting through that interaction for me by putting it here.

my tattoo is in the stage of healing where it's peeling in giant flakes. incredibly exciting, but also a little unnerving.

this town has literally brought me to tears at least three times in the last few days. i was driving into Lawrenceville past Wilson's Pharmacy and saw their LED sign in the window that read, "Good luck [4 random feminine names] at the National Marbles Championship!" this is the kind of place i am leaving, where a locally-owned and run business will recognize members of the community--youth--by name in their window, for marbles.

and a thought that's been floating around in my head for months if not longer:
by the time you decided to become a boy, i was ready to be with a man.

my belongings are in a big metal box on a truck on their way to a faraway place. panic is setting in, a little bit.

18 July 2011

on mobility

i've never understood the impulse to stay in one place. i understand that some people possess it, that there are those who are perfectly content to graduate from high school, go to college close to home (or not go to college at all), come back to town with a degree, get a job, marry their high school sweetheart, raise their children in the place where they were raised, live, retire, and die all within a 5-mile radius. i also understand that there are people who like to put penises in their mouths; i don't get that one either. it really does take all kinds, and as far as i can figure, the impulse to move or the impulse to stay in one place is no different.

i was raised by people who did not stay in the same place. both of my parents went away to college, and after they got married, they moved even farther away from home. neither of them ever suggested to me that this was the "right" way to do it, and every time i try to move farther away, my mother threatens to cry. but that's where i come from, and implicit lessons can be some of the strongest ones.

i get these incredible bouts of wanderlust. i get restless if i stay in one place for too long. i've never traveled as much as i would like, but sometimes it's just time for a new city. frankly, i'm surprised i've stayed in pittsburgh for as long as i have.

i just don't get how, in a world this wide, a person can be content to stay in the same place and limit their experience that way. there's something to be said for a sense of home--i want to find it. (i wonder if i will ever feel that need to "settle down," to buy a house, plant a garden, and let my children complete their entire education in a single school district. part of me hopes that i will; it seems unfair to do otherwise. but i'm still waiting. i have yet to find a place i'd be willing to sit still.) but there are so many different kinds of home: the house where my parents live, the town where i grew up, the campus where i went to college, the haus my college friends lived in where i learned all the most important lessons, the comfort in a circle of people who honor each other with mutual respect and affection, the passenger seat of my best friend's car, the sound of my partner's heartbeat when i lay my head on his chest. home is not a place so much as a feeling for me, and it's one i can find anywhere given the right circumstance. and if i can find home anywhere, why should i not try to find it in as many different places as possible, and learn the many ways people in different places make it for themselves?

sidenote: i'm postponing writing a piece about anger, for reasons i will address when i finally get around to it, which are the same reasons i need to write the piece in the first place. my life is in chaos given the upcoming move, and i'm not writing nearly enough (theme for the year). counting my days left in Pittsburgh in single digits.

06 July 2011

moving (stream-of-consciousness xvii)

i'm moving out of Pittsburgh.

it's time for some serious writing. let's start with the basics.
we got bored with sitting around waiting for something happen, so we decided to make something happen. we knew it was pending, but i am only motivated by deadlines. we are leaving Pittsburgh on the 24th. of July.

today is the 6th.

we made this decision a little more than a week ago, and the time since has been a clutter of packing and deciding, planning and organizing. i reserved the UPack Relo-cubes (what a great idea!); we are contacting friends and family and making plans for sleeping space. most of the details are down, but there are still a couple fuzzy dates. i don't know when we'll make it to Boston.

oh, did i skip that part?

we're moving to Boston, following an Epic Road Trip.
leg #1: drive to my parents' house to drop off my car. we're only keeping one. it's his Jeep; that's why i'm learning to drive stick shift.
leg #2: go to Vermont to visit my dad's parents. staying at camp. loving the lake.
leg #3: go to Long Island to visit my mom's family. interesting house.
leg #4: going to NEPA for an old friend's wedding. interesting thoughts.
leg #5: camping!
leg #6: going to NYC to visit an old friend of his, then
leg #7: to family in New Hampshire. this is the last stop before
leg #8: eventually, probably, crashing with friends who are moving into an apartment in Boston on Aug 1, but not until their lease begins and not for more than 2 weeks. i'm hoping to find a place to live that won't result in my needing to crash for longer than that...i have multiple sets of people willing to house us, but would like to be independent rather than an imposition.

it's going to be an adventure. i'm excited and nervous. i don't have a job. i don't have a place to live. bunch of places to stay, but no place to live. it's going to be awesome.

i'm going to have to make my peace with this city, this place that raised me, that made me grow up. i didn't live here through my childhood, and i'm thankful for that. i don't think i ever would have grown up there. i've learned a lot in the last 6 years and i'm ready to move on. it's time.

it occurs to me that i should be glad i have the luxury. [i know i'm spoiled.]

i rode in the backseats of the cars of people i trust this weekend, up and down Mt. Washington twice, and every view of the city was beautiful. they do it right when they really want to. the sky filled with smoke from the 4th of July fireworks, glowing like a night when everything's perfect and the clouds want to smother you in it so you don't have to go. it was yellow and red and awesome. the fireworks were the smallest part of my night, really, due to timing beyond my control. time is tricky like that.

i haven't been writing as much as i'd like lately, but when isn't that true. i'm working on it. i think i'll get there. this concept of "free time" is strange and foreign.