Yesterday, I received an unexpected package. It was stamped MEDIA MAIL and had the unique shape and character of a single paperback book. I didn't recognize the mailing address--who do I know in New Mexico? Why are they sending me a book?
When I opened it, I found my copy of the anthology I was recently accepted to: writings by partners of trans* people. I submitted a piece that I wrote for a local trans* monologue event almost 2 years ago. Bittersweet pangs shot through my veins when I looked at the cover.
This is the first book that has ever contained my writing, and I didn't want it. I felt anger and disgust just holding it. My life has changed so much since I wrote that piece--even just since I revised my biography. That relationship...I wish I could say it were over. What's truer is that we don't interact anymore, except in occasional wordless passive-aggression. I knew well before the final edits were made. I gave the editor this mailing address so many months ago I forgot the book was coming. I considered pulling the piece, and I chose not to. There is still truth in it: the truth of what I was experiencing at the time. Maybe some other young femme with a trans* partner will read those words and feel connected, like she is not alone in her experience. I want to share that truth.
I talked with my therapist recently (highly recommend therapy. Go, at least a couple times. You probably need it), and I said, "If you leave out the abusive sociopath part, it's a great story." She replied, "Or if you leave it in." That might be an even more important truth to tell. The truth is, LGBTQ folks are at higher risk of experiencing domestic abuse, and fewer of us talk about it. It would be nice if a young femme with a trans* partner felt better about her relationship after reading about mine. It could be lifesaving if a young queer person living with an abusive partner escaped their relationship after reading about mine.
I have a lot of writing to do.
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
22 August 2015
04 January 2014
2013
2013 was supposed to be our year. And it was, in many ways. 2013 was the year we became us, or started becoming us. I probably won't know which is true for a long time.
2013 started with a journey from Boston to Florida for C's top surgery. That was an incredibly powerful experience, on so many levels. I feel as if that trip was the first big life thing we did together, bigger than moving and buying furniture and getting engaged. It affirmed him, and because we did it together, it affirmed us.
In February, we got the news that we could move back to Pittsburgh. Three weeks later, in early March, we left Boston and arrived back home. It's been a rocky adjustment period, and one that I don't feel is complete. There are still occasionally days that I find myself confused to be here.
Three months after moving, in June, we got married. We had a beautiful day, surrounded by close family & friends who made sure we didn't need to worry about a thing. We had deeply spiritual moments, and deeply silly moments, and about as perfect a wedding as we could have hoped for. We finally hung the prayer flags on which our guests wrote their hopes for our marriage, and it feels empowering to have their positive energies present in our home.
I struggled during summer vacation. The lack of routine was very difficult for me, which contributed to the summer being challenging for us. When I went back to work in August, I was faced with a lot of work-related stress, which is slowly starting to improve as I get more comfortable with my role and my caseload.
At the beginning of December, my best friend died in a car crash. 2013 ended in the most acute grief I have ever experienced. It's been interesting to learn through the experience of grief. What a strange thing human emotions are.
I spent much of 2013 in a relatively dark place. We have experienced a lot of change, and a lot of big changes, in the past year, and I have not adjusted well to most of them. I'm trying to find resolve to make 2014 so much better.
2013 started with a journey from Boston to Florida for C's top surgery. That was an incredibly powerful experience, on so many levels. I feel as if that trip was the first big life thing we did together, bigger than moving and buying furniture and getting engaged. It affirmed him, and because we did it together, it affirmed us.
In February, we got the news that we could move back to Pittsburgh. Three weeks later, in early March, we left Boston and arrived back home. It's been a rocky adjustment period, and one that I don't feel is complete. There are still occasionally days that I find myself confused to be here.
Three months after moving, in June, we got married. We had a beautiful day, surrounded by close family & friends who made sure we didn't need to worry about a thing. We had deeply spiritual moments, and deeply silly moments, and about as perfect a wedding as we could have hoped for. We finally hung the prayer flags on which our guests wrote their hopes for our marriage, and it feels empowering to have their positive energies present in our home.
I struggled during summer vacation. The lack of routine was very difficult for me, which contributed to the summer being challenging for us. When I went back to work in August, I was faced with a lot of work-related stress, which is slowly starting to improve as I get more comfortable with my role and my caseload.
At the beginning of December, my best friend died in a car crash. 2013 ended in the most acute grief I have ever experienced. It's been interesting to learn through the experience of grief. What a strange thing human emotions are.
I spent much of 2013 in a relatively dark place. We have experienced a lot of change, and a lot of big changes, in the past year, and I have not adjusted well to most of them. I'm trying to find resolve to make 2014 so much better.
06 February 2013
2012/2013
opened up the laptop for the first time in months. all of january went by without a blog post. priorities shift.
i haven't written any sort of a reflection on 2012. the beginning of 2013 just held so much.
2012 was the first year i spent on a calendar year instead of an academic one. the academic year still held sway in my life, but i didn't get three months off work and i had students for the entire month of july. i worked in the same position at the same job from january through december. we moved to a new apartment in august. we adopted a cat in september. changes happened. maybe one of the biggest is that i started to really think of us as "we."
when we moved into our first apartment together, it was filled with my things and his things. now that we are in our second home, it is filled with our things. it just feels perfectly natural. more things are shared than are not.
2013 is our year. we have already made one tremendous journey together--not only to a different part of the country, but through top surgery. i didn't even know it was possible to feel this happy for another person. i feel so blessed to see him recognize himself. i am honored to be the partner he chose to see him through this. i have learned so much through this process already about what it means to be his partner, and we are continuing to learn.
i feel a shift in my life. i like the direction i am moving.
i haven't written any sort of a reflection on 2012. the beginning of 2013 just held so much.
2012 was the first year i spent on a calendar year instead of an academic one. the academic year still held sway in my life, but i didn't get three months off work and i had students for the entire month of july. i worked in the same position at the same job from january through december. we moved to a new apartment in august. we adopted a cat in september. changes happened. maybe one of the biggest is that i started to really think of us as "we."
when we moved into our first apartment together, it was filled with my things and his things. now that we are in our second home, it is filled with our things. it just feels perfectly natural. more things are shared than are not.
2013 is our year. we have already made one tremendous journey together--not only to a different part of the country, but through top surgery. i didn't even know it was possible to feel this happy for another person. i feel so blessed to see him recognize himself. i am honored to be the partner he chose to see him through this. i have learned so much through this process already about what it means to be his partner, and we are continuing to learn.
i feel a shift in my life. i like the direction i am moving.
16 December 2011
notice:
falling in love with a girl who becomes a boy is a completely different experience than falling in love with a boy who used to be a girl.
09 August 2011
wedding
i've been meaning to write some thoughts on the wedding i went to as part of the Epic Road Trip, and here i sit having found about 2 dozen jobs to apply for and wanting to submit nothing until my signature is on a piece of paper that confirms i will have a Boston address, so i might as well.
it's interesting to find yourself in a collision of people you knew well a number of years ago, whether that number is few or many--it's all relative. some of those people have clearly kept in better touch than others. it's always interesting to take a field trip to your past.
the wedding ceremony itself was probably my favorite that i've ever been to. admittedly, that number is small. i loved the combination of "christian and pre-christian traditions" that resulted in some of the most honest & meaningful promises i've ever witnessed. i felt privileged to be there. particularly striking:
"will you burden her?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"will you anger him?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"you cannot possess me, for i belong to myself, but while we are living, i will give you that which is mine to give."
i wonder what it's like to be someone to whom the words "husband" and "wife" have meaning. they don't to me, really.
when he approached me at the reception and asked, "what did you think of the ceremony?" i believed that it mattered.
the moment of pride upon learning--and sharing--that the three of us were the reason there were no titles (mr., ms, mrs.) on anyone's placecards. there is still work to be done in this circle (to anyone who may wonder whether it's appropriate to invite a transwoman to a bachelor party, or whether she "disqualified [her]self": the answer is to treat her like every other woman you know, because she is one.), but we have already made such a difference. (memory: "so, you swing?" "...sit down. we are having this conversation right. now.")
and of the woman mentioned above: i have so much admiration and respect for the strength and resilience it must have taken to walk into that place, completely yourself, and surround yourself with the boys who knew you as he, the ones you shared living space with in a college dorm, the ones who knew you when.
it's interesting to find yourself in a collision of people you knew well a number of years ago, whether that number is few or many--it's all relative. some of those people have clearly kept in better touch than others. it's always interesting to take a field trip to your past.
the wedding ceremony itself was probably my favorite that i've ever been to. admittedly, that number is small. i loved the combination of "christian and pre-christian traditions" that resulted in some of the most honest & meaningful promises i've ever witnessed. i felt privileged to be there. particularly striking:
"will you burden her?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"will you anger him?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"you cannot possess me, for i belong to myself, but while we are living, i will give you that which is mine to give."
i wonder what it's like to be someone to whom the words "husband" and "wife" have meaning. they don't to me, really.
when he approached me at the reception and asked, "what did you think of the ceremony?" i believed that it mattered.
the moment of pride upon learning--and sharing--that the three of us were the reason there were no titles (mr., ms, mrs.) on anyone's placecards. there is still work to be done in this circle (to anyone who may wonder whether it's appropriate to invite a transwoman to a bachelor party, or whether she "disqualified [her]self": the answer is to treat her like every other woman you know, because she is one.), but we have already made such a difference. (memory: "so, you swing?" "...sit down. we are having this conversation right. now.")
and of the woman mentioned above: i have so much admiration and respect for the strength and resilience it must have taken to walk into that place, completely yourself, and surround yourself with the boys who knew you as he, the ones you shared living space with in a college dorm, the ones who knew you when.
11 February 2011
moment of the week:
"my boyfriend's a transgender veteran, so [the movie Mulan] kinda gets to me."
"he's a veteran?!"
"he's a veteran?!"
13 August 2010
fun question of the day:
walking into the city county building to get forms for a legal change of name:
"what about you two? are you here for a marriage license too?"
"what about you two? are you here for a marriage license too?"
28 March 2010
why i hate straight men
scene: at a party, dancing under a strobe light, dressed like a kandi kid for an 80s theme. everyone is drunk, except me.
drunk guy: are you gay?
me: oh, yeah. [laughing as his girlfriend (?) starts to grind on me, with him behind her.]
guy: i'm not gay. i'm straight. this is my girlfriend. actually we're engaged. she's pregnant.
[hot] blonde girl: no i'm not! that's not true! [storms off]
[guy starts dancing on me in a way that is not entirely inappropriate, but with which i am completely uncomfortable]
me: um, i have a boyfriend, and i really don't want to be dancing with you like that.
him: you don't have a boyfriend.
me: uh, yes, i do.
him: you can't have a boyfriend. you're gay.
....
drunk guy: are you gay?
me: oh, yeah. [laughing as his girlfriend (?) starts to grind on me, with him behind her.]
guy: i'm not gay. i'm straight. this is my girlfriend. actually we're engaged. she's pregnant.
[hot] blonde girl: no i'm not! that's not true! [storms off]
[guy starts dancing on me in a way that is not entirely inappropriate, but with which i am completely uncomfortable]
me: um, i have a boyfriend, and i really don't want to be dancing with you like that.
him: you don't have a boyfriend.
me: uh, yes, i do.
him: you can't have a boyfriend. you're gay.
....
14 March 2010
March 10, 2010
way too much has happened that i haven't even sorted through on paper yet, but i feel bad leaving this for so long. as a microcosm of the ridiculousness that is my life, i present to you: Wednesday.
1. wake up too early, walk across campus, hypercaffeinate, and drive to clinic. (weird because i usually take the bus.)
2. do clinic stuff, including a session with a kid who smelled like he hadn't bathed since i saw him the week before.
3. get & respond to a handful of text messages. call my mother.
4. freak out for several hours, while packing for a long weekend.
5. take the car to briefly visit friends i won't see for a longer than usual.
6. park on campus, track down Dylan, listen to a brief and unexpectedly undramatic phone conversation.
7. spend longer than expected in Student Health, with mercifully open and accepting professionals, for The First T Shot (yay!!)
8. NOT get a parking ticket!
9. immediately get in the car, drive to Dylan's apartment so he can pick up his stuff, and set out for--
10.--Boston Market because it took too long to not eat before leaving.
11. drive for over 4 hours to my parents' house.
12. go to sleep on an underinflated air mattress.
details (presumably) to follow.
1. wake up too early, walk across campus, hypercaffeinate, and drive to clinic. (weird because i usually take the bus.)
2. do clinic stuff, including a session with a kid who smelled like he hadn't bathed since i saw him the week before.
3. get & respond to a handful of text messages. call my mother.
4. freak out for several hours, while packing for a long weekend.
5. take the car to briefly visit friends i won't see for a longer than usual.
6. park on campus, track down Dylan, listen to a brief and unexpectedly undramatic phone conversation.
7. spend longer than expected in Student Health, with mercifully open and accepting professionals, for The First T Shot (yay!!)
8. NOT get a parking ticket!
9. immediately get in the car, drive to Dylan's apartment so he can pick up his stuff, and set out for--
10.--Boston Market because it took too long to not eat before leaving.
11. drive for over 4 hours to my parents' house.
12. go to sleep on an underinflated air mattress.
details (presumably) to follow.
31 January 2010
the words i can't speak
what if the more boy you become, the less i have of myself?
i don't want to become just the partner who sees somebody through a transition. i don't want my identity to be secondary to somebody else's. i am queer, and i am proud of it and comfortable in it. i'm not interested in being read as straight.
i never wanted this to be easy, but i wasn't expecting it to be this kind of hard.
1/28/10
i need a haircut. and a reinterpretation of my whole identity.
have i written about my hair before? because i really should. it's more important than it ought to be. there's just so much wrapped up in it. oh well. fodder for later, i suppose.
i don't want to become just the partner who sees somebody through a transition. i don't want my identity to be secondary to somebody else's. i am queer, and i am proud of it and comfortable in it. i'm not interested in being read as straight.
i never wanted this to be easy, but i wasn't expecting it to be this kind of hard.
1/28/10
i need a haircut. and a reinterpretation of my whole identity.
have i written about my hair before? because i really should. it's more important than it ought to be. there's just so much wrapped up in it. oh well. fodder for later, i suppose.
22 January 2010
post-appointment
this is not My Thing to blog about. (not to be confused with My Thing to Blog About.) it doesn't belong to me, and i kinda feel bad writing about it as if my perspective and my experience and my frustrations are important. but then, part of this does belong to me, and the fact that it's different and arguably secondary doesn't make it less real.
i guess that was the disclaimer.
fridays are counterproductive. i think it might be that they immediately follow thursdays, and by the time thursday is over, i definitely need a break. so it makes sense that i've done nothing today except sit in front of the computer, chat on IM, play first person tetris, and run shuttle service to persad. (i did make a flier for something...but i have yet to put them up.)
i don't know what i'm supposed to do at this point. a lot of it on my end is waiting. and we all know by now that i am not the most patient person on the planet. amendment: i have a lot of patience for people who need it. and honestly, i think this is the sort of thing i'd rather happen slowly, so as not to thoroughly shock the system. [but i just can't do anything. i just can't do anything.]
my current pet distraction: http://symphonyofscience.com
i have questions, too. i don't even know what they all are yet, or where to begin asking them, or who to ask who can draw out the ones that are still forming.
i'm not complaining. i am so excited for this, and i'm so glad that things are moving. but as i worded it earlier, "i just want to be involved through every step of this process, but i know i can't be." the answer to "why not?": "because ultimately, it's not me."
furthermore, if you don't have to go through this alone (and instead have to not go through it alone), why should i?
this is disorganized, but it's a fair representation.
i guess that was the disclaimer.
fridays are counterproductive. i think it might be that they immediately follow thursdays, and by the time thursday is over, i definitely need a break. so it makes sense that i've done nothing today except sit in front of the computer, chat on IM, play first person tetris, and run shuttle service to persad. (i did make a flier for something...but i have yet to put them up.)
i don't know what i'm supposed to do at this point. a lot of it on my end is waiting. and we all know by now that i am not the most patient person on the planet. amendment: i have a lot of patience for people who need it. and honestly, i think this is the sort of thing i'd rather happen slowly, so as not to thoroughly shock the system. [but i just can't do anything. i just can't do anything.]
my current pet distraction: http://symphonyofscience.com
i have questions, too. i don't even know what they all are yet, or where to begin asking them, or who to ask who can draw out the ones that are still forming.
i'm not complaining. i am so excited for this, and i'm so glad that things are moving. but as i worded it earlier, "i just want to be involved through every step of this process, but i know i can't be." the answer to "why not?": "because ultimately, it's not me."
furthermore, if you don't have to go through this alone (and instead have to not go through it alone), why should i?
this is disorganized, but it's a fair representation.
23 November 2009
[the cynicizing of a poet]
this is the stuff you don't write about
because you want to believe it isn't happening
and to set words down would make it too real
and you don't want to admit you were even awake
at the hour those words hit the page
and suddenly i understand
that maybe the reason grown-ups don't write like i always have
isn't because they're too busy
but because the shit that used to seem too important to deal with
any other way
is now too important to deal with
this way.
because you want to believe it isn't happening
and to set words down would make it too real
and you don't want to admit you were even awake
at the hour those words hit the page
and suddenly i understand
that maybe the reason grown-ups don't write like i always have
isn't because they're too busy
but because the shit that used to seem too important to deal with
any other way
is now too important to deal with
this way.
21 November 2009
04 November 2009
21 October 2009
pronouns
i love how last night, we couldn't let it slide, and although my slip was completely natural and i did it without thinking, i couldn't continue until it was acknowledged, but i couldn't acknowledge it either. so thank you for saying something and making it comical enough that we could move on. sorry for stalling the conversation. thank you for giving me the opportunity to start that sentence again when i didn't know i needed it.
20 October 2009
interlude
so my girlfriend is [becoming] a boy.
nobody's really all that surprised.
i'm getting used to the new name, i'm even doing ok with "he" (although i still hate gendered pronouns more than just about anything on the planet), but in light of this, please forgive me if i have a hard time with the word "boyfriend."
quote of the day on sunday, while walking from the car into the airport:
"your family is amazing."
such a good weekend.
nobody's really all that surprised.
i'm getting used to the new name, i'm even doing ok with "he" (although i still hate gendered pronouns more than just about anything on the planet), but in light of this, please forgive me if i have a hard time with the word "boyfriend."
quote of the day on sunday, while walking from the car into the airport:
"your family is amazing."
such a good weekend.
02 October 2009
29 September 2009
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