stream-of-consciousness ix

maybe this is what i should have been doing last night instead of writing an email. although that turned out really well.

i'm in that terrible place for a writer of knowing i have something to say but having no idea what it is or how to get to it. there are words that want to come pouring out of me, and i don't know how to tap them, and they won't come to me without being summoned. it's frustrating. there is something bubbling up in me that i can't identify or stop or start. not being able to start it is the bigger problem, i think.

words words words words words.....and the occasional typo; whatever......just, something, please.....

maybe this feeling of something needing to burst out of me is what they call "love." i hesitate. i need to. i hate that word; i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards. actually i don't hate the rewards; those are pretty nice. but it fit.

too soon to say. way too soon to say.

i no longer like rhyming. unless it's a sonnet or something else that's supposed to rhyme. i like those flowing run-ons that sounds like water and make me want to go play in the forest. i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards.

and where did you go?.....

(needy much?)

wtf.....pandora amuses me.

i feel better tonight, but i've still got a way to go until i'm totally better. i hurt less.
*music plays*
medicine is still my friend, maybe. i didn't think that earlier.

and here the words stall. god dammit!

my past is finally behind me. what does that mean? what should it mean? is there a should? particularly in this case.....

"love" can mean way too many things. "in love" can mean substantially fewer. maybe i should be more specific about risks and connotations and too-soons.

today i read alice's adventures in wonderland again. had i ever read it all the way through? i wasn't sure. i'm hungry. that's a problem. i don't feel like....eh, y'know. laziness rules all. it's after 11:30 at night and i don't need to be eating anything anyway. i want nachos.....oh, god, but i miss nachos. where is shannon?

my life!!!!

songs that used to be sad are not sad anymore.

i want to be happy! i AM happy!! is this allowed?.....

i think i am starting to grow up.....and that thought scares the shit out of me.

"when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know. so follow the leader down, and swallow your pride and drown. when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know."

sooner or later, stream-of-consciousness has to end. and whether anything has come of it....remains to be seen? no, i don't like that phrase. there's another one i want. what is it. (and) whether anything has come of it, doesn't matter. regardless of whether anything has come of it. bah.

i am so much more than i expected to be. am i what i expected to be?

tonight i read a bunch of old letters i wrote and never sent, in middle school. i found one i wrote to myself when i was 13, asking if i was making the right choice about high school and telling me i should get in touch with a couple of my old friends. and it was funny; i wrote then about needing to write and feeling like the only way to deal with these frustrations was to write, and i wrote that i hoped i would still understand, because otherwise a lot of time when i was young would have been a waste. i guess i wasn't kidding when i said i'd never forget what it was like to be that age, at least parts of it. funny how i can be a grown-up in some ways and still so much like myself as a child in others. i don't think the need to write is something i'll ever want to grow out of.

i feel not quite satisfied; i think there's a story hiding here somewhere. but that seems like a good place to stop.