31 December 2018

2018 in key dates

January 21: attended second Women's March

January 23: got on the jumbotron at a Penguins game

January 28: saw Wicked

January 29: got my official acceptance letter in the mail

February 5: concussion

February 14: the Parkland shooting

April 4: my cat died

April 17: hurt my thumb

missed six weeks of work on short-term disability, which included the final weeks of my last school year at the place I worked for 5 years

April 30: hand surgery (first surgery; first joint repair)

May 19: officially moved into Co-Lez's apartment

June 1: Dylan won Mr. Pittsburgh Pride Drag King!

June 19 (this sounds too early to be true): last appointment with my therapist of five years

June 29: got my Pittsburgh three rivers tattoo

July 13: turned 31

July 19: Foo Fighters concert!!!

July 26: last day at my clinical job

July 27: paid off the credit card debt left over from my four-years-ago marriage

July 28: Alec won Mr. Steel City Softball back!

August 1: moved to the middle of nowhere

August 22: started Ph.D school!

September: started asking for they/them pronouns in my new professional setting

September 17: my abusive ex's partner after me reached out

October 27: the terrible thing happened in Pittsburgh

October 29: committed to a mitzvah to forgive a grudge (still working on it)

October 31: officially out of my abusive relationship for longer than I was in it

November 6: voted a straight-party Democrat ticket

November 22: cooked my first Thanksgiving meal

November 27: met Frank Warren from PostSecret

December 7: finished my first semester of Ph.D school

December 20ish: found out I got A's!

29 November 2018

Time is a monster, part [X]

yesterday was one year since i found out i had been accepted to my phd program.

how did all of this happen so fast?!

26 October 2018

Boobs.

this has been buzzing around in my head for a few weeks now,
and i started to think
"maybe it's not prose.
maybe poetry will work"
so let's give it a try, i suppose.

something happened recently that hasn't happened since I was about 15.
I had to buy all new bras because
I gained a cup size.
my modest B turned full-up C.
my 17-year-old self rejoiced,
and my 31-year-old  self lamented.
above what this means about changes in my weight
and the steady downward march of my metabolism,
there is a gendered layer.
sometimes, I don't want any there at all.

I meet only fleeting dysphoria,
and I'm not concerned enough to change my body.
sometimes, it's still only right to go tits-out
(Rocky Horror comes to mind;
we are all called home from time to time).

I know I read woman.
if my chest doesn't give me away,
my voice will soon enough,
and my face probably already has.
I only ever pass as femme.
Part of what I have loved about this body
is that it provides such a supportive
structure for androgyny.
slight female.
there's so much room to build on that.
Did I just become
less androgynous?

I wore my binder to work today
for the first time.
No one bats an eyelash at my requests for "they,"
unless it is in shock that I didn't feel safe sooner.
I like to know where I am first.

18 September 2018

praying

His partner after me reached out to me last night.
We had a few exchanges that ended after
I told them, "Trust yourself."

I hope it was what they needed to hear.
 

The whole time,


I remembered sitting on the floor

in the spare bedroom, back against the door,
listening to him scream on the other side
and waiting for him to give up,
texting one, two, three people
trying to make sure that I was sane and this was wrong.
 
That was the day I finally realized,
I deserve better.

It still took me three days to leave.

You got this.
You deserve better.
You know exactly what's happening.
Trust yourself.

13 September 2018

week 4

this week is better.

the seminar that shook me up last week was much less stressful. instead of discussing research and current practices in ways that made me feel defensive about what i've been doing clinically for the last 7 years, we talked about the peer review process and what it's like to participate. from all sides. the assignment was a mock review of an article we all agreed had unfortunately been accepted.

this week, I step more deeply into two big projects! one is part of the same seminar, where I'm working with a classmate, and the other is with my advisor. it was so exciting to see the lightbulbs going on over each of our heads in turn when we discussed the direction we are developing.

I get to spend time reading and writing about things that interest me!

oh, and i'm pretty sure i passed my first statistics exam.

05 September 2018

week 3

today was my day.
the day everyone told me was coming.
the first two weeks of my phd program were great.
i felt like i had a handle on things,
which of course made me feel a sense of impending doom.

today was my day
to wonder,
what the fuck have i gotten myself into?
why would anyone do this?

the theme today was
All the Science is Bad,
And We Know Nothing!!!
tearing apart the knowledge i thought i had.

critical analysis.

why would anyone do this?

why am i signing up to be
a Researcher,
to publish papers I think are great
for other people to tear apart?

what have i gotten myself into.
 

I am going to do my best,
and I am going to do it
with my whole self.

04 August 2018

New home

I live somewhere else now.

I cooked dinner on the stove tonight, which helped me feel more normal. It's the fourth day of living here. Dinner was nothing fancy--sausage and peppers--but it meant that I have done enough unpacking and organizing to use a pan, a cutting board, a knife, a big spoon, some countertop, and the stovetop. (My original approach to unpacking cookware was to stack it all on the stove so I could see it and figure out what to do with it. That lasted about two days. Combining two full sets of kitchen stuff into one tiny kitchen is a process.)

Oh yeah, that's the other part. I officially live with a partner again. We've been living together for about three months already, depending on how you count, but now we are in the same place, with all our stuff in the apartment (instead of mine stored in the garage), with both our names on the lease. This is only the second partner I've ever lived with, and given how the first one turned out, I've been understandably apprehensive. I'm not nervous about this one--they're good. They're a good person, and they're good for me. But when you've been tricked, goodness doesn't seem as genuine. I'm still rebuilding that trust, and I kind of expect that I always will be.

The view from my front window used to be a brick wall, and now it's trees. The row has a backyard with bunnies in it. There are no tall buildings, and there are mountains everywhere. I'm so disoriented. On day 1, it was an enormous relief to walk into Target: basically the same everywhere.

Every successful drive without GPS feels like a victory.

My partner had to go back to Pittsburgh for another week to finish their job, so I'm alone with both our cats in an apartment full of boxes, and no one expects me to be anywhere until the middle of the month. There is a heady freedom in that, and also the knowledge that two weeks without structure and routine will probably be the most that I can handle. Boxes and furniture and checklists. 

I cried when I came through the Fort Pitt Tunnel for what could be the last time.

I am about to be a doctoral student. What an exciting, scary adventure.