27 December 2005

2005 survey

does anyone wonder yet where i get these things from?

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? went to college
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? my resolution for the last few years has been not to make any more new years resolutions, but this year i'm resolving not to gain any more weight....half-serious, i suppose....
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? i don't think so...
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? an apartment, but i don't think it's going to happen
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 7. and May 31, i suppose (graduation)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? graduating valedictorian and going to college...passing honors comp is pretty high up there too i guess
9. What was your biggest failure? i'm trying to think....i did a pretty good job this year i think...
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? my obligatory colds, always right before choral concerts...nothing major, oh, except for that weird throat thing over the summer
11. What was the best thing you bought? dinner at the golden palace
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? g*
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? a*, a few times i guess
14. Where did most of your money go? food and movies
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? HFStival!!!
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2005? Aqualung, "Brighter Than Sunshine"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? oh, so much happier
ii. thinner or fatter? i'm not thinner
iii. richer or poorer? ooh...i'm not sure....probably just a tad bit richer?
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? explored my new city
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? sleeping, and bumming around my dorm room
20. How will you be spending Christmas? spent it with my family in vt
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? very yes.
23. How many one-night stands? none!
24. What was your favorite TV program? i discovered south park and the daily show, but i don't watch much TV
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no. i probably have the opposite.
26. What was the best book you read? the perks of being a wallflower
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Aqualung and Mogwai
28. What did you want and get? her
29. What did you want and not get? a full ride to college, but it's my own damn fault
30. What was your favorite film of this year? crash? who knows. i saw way too many movies this summer.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i went to dinner and the park with geri and molly, and we sat around and talked for hours. it was wonderful. i was 18.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? fewer neuroses
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? dykier.
34. What kept you sane? what always has?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? i dunno, dave grohl? i saw him in person
36. What political issue stirred you the most? gay marriage
37. Who did you miss? molly
38. Who was the best new person you met? i've met so many new people this year that's really not fair.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: it's ok not to care. sometimes, you can't.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "so here i am, it's in my hands, and i'll savor every moment of this." -the used, "the taste of ink." that's actually my yearbook quote, which is pretty cheesy, but i have to say it's true. (but the one i really want to use is "i'm yours and suddenly you're mine, and it's brighter than sunshine.")

07 December 2005

stream-of-consciousness IV

haven't done one of these in a while; thought i might bother to do it again. i'm not sure i actually have anything to say....the semester's almost over and i can't wait....maybe that's not entirely true. maybe it is. i'm tired of this semester....my classes are killing me and i want to move on. except they're not killing me right now because i have this procrastinatory disease....i want to talk to the girlfriend but i'm not sure i actually feel like making the effort....and i should try to write something for my paper but i'm doing this instead, and i think i'm dangerously close to falling asleep....it's not that my habits have gotten that much worse (yes it is) but i'm so tired of it all that i just don't feel like doing it anymore....watch, i'll be better in january (no i won't)....i want to go do calculus with alex, all recent definitions um....hm. maybe i should listen to what i'm saying. i don't know what i'm saying. yay, stream-of-consciousness. my brain is crazy. don't you just love it.....my roommate is driving me crazy but i don't want to tell her but i think she reads my blog so this will be a fun conversation....i love her but sometimes.....it's that way with everyone, isn't it? "arc--something!!" that was fun. i think i made my professor laugh. back to calculus again. hehe i just edited my stream-of-consciousness; i don't like doing that. but i really have nothing to say. life is good, i suppose....the semester's almost over...i said that already. i had free pizza tonight. yay. and filled out a survey and entered a drawing and didn't win anything. i don't feel like being in my room anymore but i have noplace to go and i really should go to sleep. ha. i did laundry today, that was nice. i like doing laundry. it's just so inconvenient.

20 November 2005

happy 3 mokky and sir

life is happy when i can see pretty pictures of two girls who love each other who give me faith that things can work. it almost makes me feel like she's here.

19 November 2005

75 things

it has been suggested, somehow not on purpose, that i compile such a list.

75 things i've learned:
1) people suck.
2) boys are stupid.
3) south side not = south side works.
4) Jews for Jesus are fucking annoying.
5) if you're born Catholic, part of you will always be Catholic, no matter what you try to do about it.
6) insomnia is contagious.
7) bipolar disorder is not funny, and sometimes it can be downright scary.
8) don't ever refuse to apply for a scholarship because "i don't want to go there."
9) it's dumb not to let people pay for things when they offer.
10) no, the bomb dog won't find the condoms in the bottom of your locker (or if it does, nobody will say anything to you.)
11) catholic-school-girl uniforms are lost on me.
12) "there's nothing homosexual about that.."
13) if enough people complain loudly enough, radio stations come back.
14) goodwill is awesome.
15) if you care about somebody, say something
16) procrastination is dangerous.
17) i haven't learned anything interesting (compared to serious band fags)
18) not all bagpipers have anything to do with scotland.
19) make sure you're not being followed before you yell potentially incriminating things up the D stairs.
21) sometimes, if something hurts, immobilizing it will actually make it worse
22) free concerts are the best kind.
23) Molly is not gay.
24) hehe
25) elevators can be a good place to meet people
26) some things are not meant for the internet.
27) it can be ok not to explore.
28) if you sit in the back hallway during band class, nobody will find you except brass players going to the bathroom, and they won't tell.
29) dr woodburn is the best study hall proctor ever.
30) Gustav Holst is fucking awesome
31) there are confederate towels in Myrtle Beach
32) Adrienne Rich is also pretty awesome
33) quarters are the most valuable unit of currency.
34) apparently, you can transport goldfish in a nalgene bottle (i haven't tested this personally yet)
35) split-second reactions to things are often not safe
36) surprise sales rock
37) you can lock people into their dorm rooms
38) in the beginning, god said, "let there be lips." and there were lips. and it was good.
39) it's ok to eat fish, because they don't have any feelings.
40) if you're persistent enough, playing bass with the amp towards the floor will get the guys downstairs to turn their fucking music down.
41) it's better to have to get up early in the morning than not to be there at all.
42) the buttermilk pancakes at c-side make up for everything else.
43) bubbles make most people happy.
44) nobody on the honors floors has play-doh.
45) everyone has sentimental connections to "wonderwall."
46) 7-11 is a good thing to have around.
47) singers are generally a pain in the ass.
48) maple syrup on french fries is really, really good. much better than you thought it would be.
49) writing sonnets is a good way to survive AP statistics (and pass with a 5)
50) orange juice can go bad in the fridge.
51) facebook is stupid and pointless, but i'm addicted to it anyway.
52) will is not pretending to be a chauvinist.
53) northern vermont is really pretty, but also really boring.
54) cable television is largely overrated.
55) south park is not.
56) lovebirds need a lot of attention.
57) the dog usually knows the best places to hide.
58) virginia slims are all menthol.
59) you probably don't want to know where that stain on your carpet came from.
60) i was never intended to play improvisational jazz bass.
61) pooh bear was a taoist
62) the cathedral is a good place to get work done, and it's open all the time.
63) it's not a good idea to stay up til 3AM when you have class in the morning.
64) "retarded" is overused, and usually not correctly so.
65) seeing fireworks at eye-level is pretty cool.
66) smart people don't have sex?
67) EVERYTHING has homosexual undertones.
68) gaydar can be developed, but is rarely flawless.
69) communism, while lovely on paper, doesn't work in practice.
70) it's all much funnier than you currently realize.
71) you can get electrocuted through the phone. it's pretty exciting.
72) yes, i really am that sheltered.
73) change is the only constant.
74) it's impossible to put finite terms on something that's infinite.
75) everything will seem much less important in the morning.

16 November 2005

from friday night--(almost) unedited

It was two in the morning and I woke up:
I need to write. Right. Now.
(i haven't had this urge [an urge this strong] since i moved here.)
i wonder if my roommate or the wonderful girl asleep in bed next to me are aware of what i'm doing, conscious of the furious pace of my scribbling and what this means for me as a writer. i wonder if the drunken frat boys screaming outside know [are aware] of the 2AM [late hour] [wee hour] epiphany that is occurring high above them on the eleventh [11th] floor. I wonder if I know [understand] what all these brackets mean, that i am giving myself a chance to play with the words, to decide later which ones are best, to give myself choices . . . . i wonder if my eyes will ever forgive me.

27 October 2005


today is hate the world day.

i saw boys dont cry for the first time. and all this crap about the gsa....

why can't people....i don't even know.

13 October 2005

sonnet 43

the prize of eyes is overrated now
when some disparage those not famed in verse,
preferring blue or green unfairly--how!
to disregard the others is much worse,
for those will never know the beauty found
in honest eyes of less poetic hue;
the life i seek in subtle shades of brown
competes with naught offered by striking blue.
i wish that you could see reflected in
these muddy swirls that catch me every time
the same i see of all that's ever been
when i realize--at last--this life is mine.
limpid pools thine eyes will never be;
more beauteous still that makes them unto me.

inside the back cover of my calculus notebook
could stand some revision.

26 September 2005

random thing

i did this once before and i wanted to see if anything had changed. this is now the most convenient place i have to put stuff like this.

1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) Underline things that are iffy... explain if you'd like
4) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.

* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I love olives.
* I own lots of books.
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been in a threesome.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I'm TOTALLY smart.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
* I know how to cornrow.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I think Britney Spears is pretty.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
*I have a lot of friends. (i've been hanging out with lots of people lately, but i'm not particularly close with many of them.
* I am currently single.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex. [i don't think "pecked" is the right word. and i don't like it.]
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop.
* I enjoy window shopping.
* I would rather shop than eat.
* I would classify myself as ghetto.
* I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I don't hate anyone.
* I'm a pretty good dancer.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I believe in god.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently like someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. [i've been told i did this, but i don't remember it.]
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends. [the only question about this one is who they are.]
* I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
* I watch soap operas whenever I can.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
* I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
* I have dated a close friend's ex. [this was a fucked-up situation, and i'm not sure how we count it.]
* I like surveys/memes.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys. [ha]
* Democrat.
* Conservative Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I am preppy.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study(-ied) for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job.
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can.
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I believe in prophetic dreams.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
* I hate office jobs.
* I love sci-fi movies.
* I think water rules.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I like sausage.
* I am a pyro.
* I love the Red Sox.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I love kisses. [this ought to have a qualifier.]
* I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time. [in the past. i'm really hoping.]
* I adore bright colors.
* I love Dear Abby.
* I can't live without black eyeliner.
* I think school is awesome.
* I think pigtails serve a purpose.
* I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
* I think John Cusack is adorable.
* I fucking hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I watch Food Network way too much.
* I love coaching youth sports.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes' slither.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in. [except the very first one from 1st grade.]
* I can't stick to a diet.
* I talk in my sleep. [sometimes]
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions
* Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
* I have jazz in my blood.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
*I love vaginas. [just one.]
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.

* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I know who Santos L. Halper is.
* I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
* I love wrestling.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
* I have been to over 15 conventions.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist. I like to be creative.
* I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
* I am ambidexterous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* My computer has a name.
*If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries.
* I am extremely flexible
* I love hugs more than kisses. [i'm pretty sure this is true, but it's really hard to say.]
* I want to own my own business.
* I smoke or have tried cigarettes.
* I have met a star from ABC's LOST.
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tear every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me. [who does?]
* I have been described as a dreamer.
* I have played tennis with my non dominant hand before.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I read the labels on food, shampoo, and other things just because.
* I have emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I know what THAC0 means.
* I have a signed Tom Servo head.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I was a Spice Girls fan and I'm proud of it.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I have seen every single episode of more than one television show.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am. [and sometimes even then it doesn't work.]
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can sing songs in languages I don't speak.
* I could speak more than one language
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I am ovulating.
* I am very confused.
* I believe that everything ends.
* I like happy endings.
* I ask too many questions.
* I am a closet philanthropist.
* I can recite all 50 states in alphabetical order, from memory.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have at one time considered becoming an assassin using only a knife and a pack of gum.
* My parents never gave me a set allowance.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I hate movie previews.
* I hate being ignored
* I'm a bigger nerd than most people realize
* I act more confidently about myself then I really think.
* I have told someone that I loved them and meant it.
* I am secretly a hopeless romantic. [is this a secret?]
*I've cried at a concert before.
*I have no idea why i am where i am.

that was a good bit longer than it was the last time i took it. and i don't remember that word "pecked." and i'm pretty sure "kissed" was one, and "had sex" was another, and "had a crush on" was another. but i don't feel like looking. also the italics and underlining parts are new. hm. sorry for taking up space on the internet....i'm sure it will eat my head one day.

that seriously took me half an hour.

21 September 2005


it's amazing, considering how desperately i wanted to be out of high school while i was still in it, how much i miss everything this week.

it's about 9:30 in the morning and i'm listening to modest mouse in my room before going to class--this was a great driving to school album. and i don't know why i'm listening to it....i wanted to hear one song and then i started playing the whole thing, and "the world at large" and "float on" in particular are a little tough. god, "float on" is an awesome song....for many more people than just myself. i mean, that song had lots to do with junior year...it always makes me think of mokky and sir, and that one last concert.

but senior year was the really important one. i can't even remember....i think i'm so glad we broke up closer to the beginning of the year than to the end, because i would have missed out on so much. friday nights with geri.... everthing is hilariously funny now. and then aurora and everything that happened, and everything that didn't, and she's still there and as crazy as it is i miss her. and molly....oh, man, i miss molly. we had finally just gotten to the point where everything was ok. i think there are probably still some conversations that should be had. although it was such a relief that night we were on the phone until 2 and talked about everything....

i miss the band room. i miss mornings in the band room with my crew and how cool it felt to know whose shoes were coming around the corner and then to see a person you really cared about, those people who came in every morning even when they didn't have to and who really mattered to you. and i miss hanging around in the band room in the afternoons when we weren't supposed to be there and trying not to get caught and often getting away with it. and playing 20 questions that one day....and other fun times in the office.

i'm not homesick. i don't miss my family at all. it's so bizarre....

i would never want to go back and live it again, although senior year was so not dramatic it was ridiculous....and i might not even mind having that one year again. maybe it's just that feeling that you are virtually untouchable...

i need to go take an italian test.

17 September 2005

stream-of-consciousness III

those things that i never really need to say but feel a need to put words on paper or in a little box with typeface.....who knows. the world is full of words that didn't even need to be there. and that sort of creates all other sorts of crap. hopefully i'm not creating crap by putting out random words, just throwing around some weird sort of energy perhaps. energy is a good thing. under most circumstances. occasionally it's good to have no energy. i've been sick the last couple days so of course i'm sleeping somewhere else. sometimes i'm a little silly i guess. irrational. let's prefer that word for now. "i'm a college student; i'm allowed to be irrational. and it's saturday night, besides." i like having nights free.....i've gotten a lot accomplished today actually. we had a homework party. and i read a lot. i only have about 20 pages left to read for tuesday. but i need to do my calculus homework. and find out when the language lab is open so i can do that section for my italian class.....i ought to burn the cd but i'd have to get a blank cd. i rather like italian i suppose....maybe i should have taken french. who knows. all romanze languages are basically the same (that was almost a typo but i like it with a z i think. i've seen it somewhere.) i'm waiting to be able to say something really pretty....yesterday was good i think; i hadn't seen jake all week. it's nice to see people. it's an entirely different kind of good when i see people i'm not supposed to see all week. i.e. people who don't live in my building. but whose living in my building would be exponentially more convenient. why am i here? ooh i'm not going all cosmic, no. i'm here to watch a movie at 11 and then go to sleep. or something like that. i like this movie it's a good movie it's a little old i think it's about as old as i am but it's still good. and lord knows how old monty python is i think it's even older. i like stream-of-consciousness because i feel no guilt for letting my thoughts spill onto a page. i keep waiting for an interruption but that may not happen for awhile. i don't think i would like having my stream-of-consciousness interrupted but it would be impossible to continue if it were. blah. annnnnyway. yes. there are still words in my brain. somewhere. they like to hide from me periodically, usually at the most inopportune times....it's rather a pain. i like my paper journal; it's at home and i am not. it's funny how "home" can change. i'm not homesick but today i miss my high school. not high school....my high school. you need to make this distinction....i don't think i will ever miss high school, but i miss the place i used to go. honestly i spent more of my waking hours there than i did at my house. for a long time. it's hard to just leave....it really wasn't but today i miss it more than usual. i woke up this morning and put on my class ring and started wondering why i still wear it, because so few people do, but it means so much to me. i find it hard to believe that when i graduate from college i'll feel the same. ha, yes, i did just delete the name of the school and change it to college because i prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. i don't think i've put a location anywhere.....i should check on that. it doesn't really matter. i doubt i'll be stalked really. i'm not provocative enough. if you're going to stalk me, please have a good reason for it. or be very open about it and joking. those are fun relationships. i wonder how many people are jokingly stalking me at any given time. it's probably more likely that i'm jokingly stalking someone else. i have those tendencies. i don't like the way this computer types....i may have to speak to her about this. oh, but i love her so....i haven't written a sonnet since the beginning of august. i feel dead poetically. i want to write another. maybe i should try to do that. sometimes sonnets are hard. especially when i'm sick, but the last time that happened i wrote a sonnet about how that's a lousy excuse. i don't really write any kind of poetry anymore. i used to write poetry all the time, in middle school, and it was all really crappy. i wonder what happened to lewie. [pause.] i don't think about him all that much anymore but when i do, it's heavy. i loved him deeply; he was my best friend and i'm not sure he ever knew. sometimes i wonder what might have happened if everything had been different. but that's such a general statement it should be true for everyone at least once. do you ever think about your life and how it would be so different if you had changed one decision? like if i were in boston right now....(i won't tell you where i am but i'll tell you where i'm not.) who knows; this all might never have happened. and where would i be? this is so good. i'd probably be falling for some gay guy. how unfortunate. luckily that's not the case....i do believe i am exactly where i need to be at this point in my life, and i have a meeting with my advisor on monday morning to ensure that i will continue to be there next semester. i want to take a religious studies/philosophy type course next semester. and intro to bio. hopefully the lab will not kill me; i'm very concerned about over-long labs. hello, i've waited here for you....no no no those words are not the same. i've had godspell music stuck in my head off-and-on for a few days now. i like godspell. i think this paragraph has gotten exceptionally long. bah. who needs paragraphs. i'm reading dos passos and it's interesting; i like the way he structures his paragraphs sometimes. his words read like the mind. i'm always a fan. i want to read oh who's that author...joyce, but i think that would hurt my brain. maybe next summer. maybe next year. maybe next lifetime. maybe in my next lifetime i'll be joyce. ha. i don't think it works that way. i think if i had ever been joyce, or if i were ever going to be joyce, i'd have at least the slightest inkling by now. like who was that lady i think i was.....she might have been anonymous not famous which is probably the case, oh yes now i'm quite certain. the words coming out of my head are beginning to sound stranger. life is odd. but quite worth it.

i think that's enough for now.

03 September 2005

quick note from somewhere up fifth

i wasn't going to do any homework today anyway. why are all the fonts on this computer so big?...

i have nothing to say, except, perhaps, hooray for procrastination!

and life is pretty good i think. despite my sunburn.

25 August 2005

stream-of-consciousness II

so i have no idea what to write here, but i know i need to write something. i really should go back to my paper journal because i didn't get the chance last night and that would probably help more, but here i can be all vague and intriguing and shit like that.

it's really just ridiculous. but i was having a good talk with jen this morning which hopefully i will be able to continue later.

my contacts in my cell phone must look absolutely ridiculous to anyone who isn't me. secret symbols and whatnot....i think that's still on the board on the door, too. i hope so. all of us who have message boards should have one.

someday soon i'll need to use this computer for actual work, not just playing around. and i want to turn off the excess lights in this room....

yay for opening the windows!

i think it's silly; i've been in this city for 4 days where supposedly it rains all the time, and it's been sunny every day. at least that's nice for walking outside a lot, which i've had to do a bit of.

i should probably find something productive to do today but i don't wanna. things i need to do before classes start:
1) find where all my classes are so i can get to them in a reasonable amount of time and without getting lost
2) check out that other bookstore and see if i can find anything for cheaper.

you know, i don't think that will work because i just looked at my receipt and i can only return books if i drop a course. damn.

i'm finding more and more things about this school that piss me off. don't get me wrong, i love it here and i'm looking forward to spending time here, but some of the bureaucratic operations (books being the least of them, i'm sure) are a pain in the ass. like last night. that was just ridiculous. for so many reasons....

((but entirely worth it.))

semicolons are my favorite punctuation mark.

and tonight i can use my desk lamp! which is actually on the dresser which i'm using for a nightstand....yay for inaccurate descriptions of household objects. but i finally got a new lightbulb, which may not make sense to anyone who doesn't live here/know me because i haven't put the story up. it's not very interesting. basically i had an old lightbulb which was a bad idea and i was trying to fix it when it didn't turn on and it broke in my hand. but not in a painful way.

sometime in the foreseeable future i'm going to have to do laundry.

i should find out where that transfer student thing is because supposedly i am meeting people there... oh good. i have a class in that building. and i know i walked past it monday night...which means i still have no idea where it is.

i think this has gotten long enough. more later perhaps.

oh by the way i somehow ended up on the facebook. *shudders*

18 August 2005

three more days

it feels like i should be writing something. i like writing. i have three days left at home.

you know those things you can't stop thinking about and then think you should be able to stop thinking about them but you don't even want to because they're just so wonderful?

yeah. my life is like that.

it can be a little distracting....i'm supposed to be packing. but then, it helps too...

lately i'm exhausted much earlier than i should be. like wanting to go to bed at eight o'clock. it's insane. gotta do something about this.

at least i'm done shopping....

i also shouldn't write when the television is on. i get distracted easily. i have a very short attention span. that explains the short sentences i suppose....my sentences get longer when i'm concentrating.

ha....life is good. and it's about to get even better.

07 August 2005

sonnet 42

the only word describing how i feel
when such a look's received, i think, is "read";
i have no choice believing this is real
when these such looks i get see through my head
and to my soul, where deepest secrets lie.
a blessing 'tis to be so sweetly known,
especially when days pass swiftly by
and ere we know the day's begun, it's flown.
a blessing greater 'tis to realize
that in a look received's a look returned--
what greater love exists than in her eyes
when to them my unworthy gaze is turned?
nothing else will matter in the world
if i am loved by this amazing girl.

(aside: a sonnet-worthy occasion? you begin to see the scope of my silliness. and the limits of my rhyme.)

04 August 2005

the continuing saga of american stupidity.

i pity foreigners. they have to put up with all the stupid shit americans do. i mean, the stuff we do in our own country is bad enough, but then we have to go and infect the whole rest of the world with it.

i will not travel until i learn the language of the country i want to visit.

i had something that particularly incensed me today that i wanted to write about, but now i'm too tired to remember what it was.....it might have had to do with the parents of young children. oh, oh, it was definitely the rudeness of using a hand basket to gather groceries in the store and then putting the whole basket, full, on the conveyor belt and expecting the cashier to remove the items for you.

please don't do that.

for one thing, it's a waste of time--yours, the cashier's, and the people's behind you. for another, it really pisses us off. we are not your slaves....no matter how much you might like to think we are. we're paid. we have a union, for chrissake. and then you get mad at us if we say anything to you! come on now. god forbid we fellow human beings assert ourselves....

then there was the lady who finished paying for her order today and handed me this little pamphlet, "something to read in your spare time...it's bible based, but it's very positive, not like all the other stuff we hear so much of nowadays."

i collect these. i think they're hilarious. silly jehovahs witnesses. and other groups, too....my favorite one had to be the one i pulled off a telephone pole on long island, the one called "Are Roman Catholics Really Christians?" oh man....i laughed. really, if you're trying to convert people, handing them pamphlets while they are at their job is not the way to do it. at least she put her own stuff on the belt.

y'know, non-christians never do things like that. you never hear about muslims going door-to-door.

the other thing that i have never understood about jehovah's witnesses is that their conversion tactics seem counterintuitive. jehovahs witnesses believe that only 144,000 people--literally--will be allowed into the kingdom of heaven. so why do they keep trying to convert people? shouldn't they be trying to keep everyone else away, so they can ensure a space for themselves? and what happens if good people have been dying for so long that heaven is already full? i mean, after thousands of years of human history, we've gotta be getting close. how will they know when to give up? i welcome comments on this, just don't try to convert me because it isn't going to work.

there is hope.
yesterday i was ringing up a woman and her son, and the boy had downs syndrome. he had the most wonderful laugh i have ever heard in my life.

29 July 2005


how is it possible to look at someone and say you know her better than she knows herself? isn't this a little presumptuous....unfair....insulting.

i could write more about this, but words are having a hard time coming today.

25 July 2005


there are no mistakes.

20 July 2005

the holes story, part one

i occasionally write fiction. i used to write poetry, but not much anymore, except for sonnets. incidentally, i have written about 40 sonnets since january 2005, when i started writing them in statistics class. this is the first piece of something i have in progress at the moment.

when we were kids, we used to dig up these holes in the back yard and fill them with everything we could think of: sticks, rocks, old plastic cars, a coffee mug, mom's jewelry--one time we even killed a sparrow just so we could bury it. dad always yelled at us for tearing up the lawn, but he said he'd really have our necks if we tried anything stupid like that in the front, and mom always wondered absentmindedly where her stuff had gone, but she never seemed to catch on, so we kept at it, until i was eleven and my brother was almost ten.

we had another brother who was twenty-six that year. he lived in indiana where he'd gone for college, and he only came to visit for christmas and one week in the summer. he had a girlfriend named christi who we all really liked, and mom would ask when they were ever gonna get married. dad just kind of rolled his eyes and drank his beer, or soda after he found Jesus.

it wasn't really accurate to say dad had found Jesus, or even that Jesus had found him. but he stopped drinking alcohol, ever, even though he'd never been a really heavy drinker, and started invoking His Holy Name at every occasion.

"Jesus, Marge, why don't you leave those poor kids alone? they'll get married when they're ready."
"what the hell are you doing with my gas can?! Jesus Christ, d'you wanna light the whole house on fire?"
"i stopped drinking, but i might have a glass of champagne at the wedding. Jesus never turned wine into water."

things like that. sometimes i would wonder if every time dad said Jesus' name, it was a prayer, calling on Him for help or patience or to smite us goddamn kids. sometimes i hoped so; even with the latter, it seemed less blasphemous that way.

but the reason we stopped digging holes was, that summer something terrible happened.

they must have told my older brother first, because that was my first clue. he came for his week in the summer, but when the week ended, he didn't go back to indiana.

i woke up on the eighth day when i heard him get up from the back bedroom and go to the bathroom. the door creaks, and then the toilet seat clinked as it went up and hit the lid. when i heard the seat close again and the back bedroom door creak shut, i crept next door to my younger brother's room.

i pushed him in the shoulder to wake him up. "Jim's still here," i whispered.

my brother rolled over and groaned, trying to ignore me. "so what?" he muttered.

"so something must be wrong," i told him, trying to make my voice as urgent as possible.

he groaned again. "can't it wait until morning?"

i glanced up to note the distinct yellow glow of the room. the sun was sitting in the low branches of the tree outside my window, beaming like sleeping cats were tugging at it from all directions. it must have been about 7:30.

"it is morning," i insisted. i knew i wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. Jim was still here, and something was wrong.

"go find out yourself," my brother suggested, as Jim walked through the hallway and down the stairs.

but i was scared, and i didn't want to go by myself. i went back to bed and laid awake for another hour, turning over again and again, until my brother finally knocked on the door, yawning and stretching, and said he figured it was time for breakfast.

14 July 2005


i was getting worried because i thought someone had synced the clocks, and that was going to be scary. but it turned out to be just the two in this room, and one of them doesn't really make noise anyway. there is a place in my house where you can stand and hear three different clocks ticking . . . it scares me. time is my archnemesis. there is nothing worse than when you are with someone and you want it never to end but there is a clock, and you can hear the minutes ticking by . . . i had something else in my brain but now it is gone. this is happening to me alot tonight. i was trying to write an email but i lost something important i wanted to say. oh and i was going to tell you all something about myself but i forget what it was. my brain . . . i have a pen garden and a red plastic rose and they make me feel special. not to mention the pen garden may be the coolest thing i will have in my room this fall . . . mostly because of the whole writing thing. i was writing a short story a little while ago but it's going very slowly and i'm having a hard time with it. i write about a paragraph every week and a half, or something like that. i know what's going to happen; it's the specifics that are hard. and my wrist hurts . . . i probably did something to it at work. grr. being a cashier is hazardous. especially today . . . i spent six hours at work that felt like ten. then i was invited to a lesbian karaoke bar, and i wanted to go but i just couldn't tonight. i'll probably never get the chance again. the thing is i think this girl is the shit . . . i would never go out with her, it's not that kind of thinking she's the shit, but more the way i'm intimidated by certain kinds of people. and then she was being nice to me and i thought she didn't like me. so that was kinda cool . . . it was a little funny cuz i saw her, i guess she came in to pick up a check or something, and i thought it was a dude and then i realized, Oh, it's her, and it made sense again. and my bumper sticker knowledge has been expanded. i want one of those now. so much more subtle than rainbows, i think. if i can't figure it out?....but i'm not too quick sometimes, so i shouldn't use that as the standard for anything. dammit, what was i going to say? i like music. that wasn't it but it crossed my mind because i saw "dammit" and then i thought "blink-182" and then i thought "music".....i think that song was on the first batch of crap i stole from geri a couple summers ago . . . wow. that was a project. i got a bunch more this summer but i haven't burned it to cds cuz i just put it on the ipod . . . oh, yeah, by the way, i have an ipod that i use because i have it. but i like cds. and i plan to continue buying them. i'm also a musician which tends to make me think that stealing music is bad . . . it depends on the music, and the stealing. i did burn "steal this album!" by system of a down, because they told me too. the other night i had a dream that my dad died. this is the second time this has happened; the first was exactly a month before. it kinda freaked me out.....

last night i went out with my two best friends and it was strange, because of other things that have happened that i don't feel like sharing with you yet. not knowing who you are and all. i want to write about that on paper but i haven't gotten to it yet.

there was something that was really in my head alot and i wanted to write about it in an email and in my paper journal but i cannot remember what it was! sometimes i dislike contractions. it isn't so much that i dislike them, as that i think it is fun not to use them occasionally. i also enjoy stringing bunches of big words together as often as possible to make my sentences more interesting, but i think it confuses people more often than not. actually they usually laugh. she always laughs. <3

if you want an essay with structure, wait. it will happen later. but for now, this blog is not for you.

i have aspirations of changing the political scene. but there is no way that's going to happen. at least, not here. not yet. i need to register to vote, because i can do that now. tonight in the car it occurred to me that i can do things like say i'll go to a lesbian bar, and go, because nobody can stop me. and i realized that i'm 18 and suddenly felt about 3 inches taller. it was interesting. just short of empowering. exhilarating. which i think i always misspell. always think i misspell? hm.

i think i might consider going to sleep, sometime. the time is always going to be the time i started typing. but i've seriously been working on this for about fifteen minutes. just to keep you informed. if you exist and are reading this. which you are probably not. at least not at the moment.

12 July 2005

the first rant

my feet hurt from standing on them for 8 hours today. i wish people would learn how to read.

see, we have an illiteracy problem in this country. the people who find it mentally impossible to see letters, symbols on a page, and translate them into words are one thing. that's not always their fault, although it is a deplorable condition and really says something about society. but the bigger problem is people who can read and choose not to.

i don't even mean picking up trashy magazines and looking at the pictures instead of reading a book. i mean simple things like seeing a self-serve credit card reader at the supermarket and not bothering to follow the instructions, thereby frustrating your cashier and holding up the line because you're too dumb to look where you're supposed to look and read. if you honestly don't understand what it's saying, ask me a question. but if you just didn't bother....please get out of my line, and my gene pool.

or people who don't read street signs and are then surprised when their lane goes away. forget voting; we need literacy tests to get your driver's license.

in case you hadn't noticed, one of my biggest pet peeves is ignorant people. expect more of this, on various other more specific topics.

11 July 2005

in a few words

sonnets (my own, shakespeare, spenser, donne)
wish i were a better jazz bassist
song lyrics
all-girls catholic high school (graduate)
honors college freshman
bisexual with an agenda (overstatement)
drama queen (understatement)
short stories fit my attention span
musician who happens to sing
grocery store cashier
in love <3
paranoid and a little bit cynical....not jaded yet
former cutter
user of verdana....but not today because the font in this box just looks right
journalist (think anais nin not bob woodward)


things to play with.....should i ever need pictures for anything.

09 July 2005

by way of introduction

haven't had a website in a long time, thought it might be time to try again. i have no plans as of yet. fiction/poetry as they become available. semi-ignorant political rants. things like that. hopefully it won't get too personal. personal websites can be dangerous.