29 October 2007

Sonnet 57

two new sonnets brought to us today by my morality & medicine class, a lack of sleep, and a possible overdose of allergy medicine (although i'm not quite sure). only one of them is getting posted right now because the other one is too personal and relevant at the moment. the reference is to Thanatopsis, for anyone who needs it.

Bryant spoke of lasting unity,
wherein the dead would reunite with Earth,
but one neglected detail ruins the
assumption: we are separate from birth.
his optimism i admired once,
and on a better day, i will again,
but now i feel he must have been a dunce!
i'll live and die as if there were no friends.
the Earth? a grave, a deep or shallow hole.
there is no comfort waiting in the dirt.
a fool would make his burial his goal,
but life is no less lonely, i'll assert.
his promise is no promise. it's been shown:
all living things on Earth will die alone.

28 October 2007

stream-of-consciousness xi


something about how this is words for the sake of words, and why is that necessary. i wish i had something more profound to say. i wish i had something to say. but if i have nothing to say, why am i writing? and why do i not write when i do have something to say? sometimes. that's what the last realization was about, for anyone who was wondering: but i don't want to elaborate because it would defeat the purpose. and here i go, defeating the purpose.

whenever i think about studying, all i want to do is sleep. actually it's quite often that all i want to do is sleep.

dave & busters today was fun. i think. it was not un-fun. i can't really take too much of shiny blinky places like that--they're too loud. and the sort of people i want to spend time with are not usually there. but it was kinda fun. i like coming out accidentally through the use of pronouns. i like it even better when i do it and then someone else at the table does, too. that was pretty awesome. and quite unexpected. because she hesitated when she caught that i had done it, and then later when we were alone she did the same. (because i thought she hesitated when...)

i should be studying. i want to take a nap. what is stream-of-consciousness anyway.....i don't think it actually happens. oh james joyce.....i wish i had the time and patience to read your work. ben. the firings of neurons.....myelin.

enough of this nonsense. let's post entries that are diametrically opposed to each other.

26 October 2007

pictures to play with

these are some things i want available to play with for my profile or other uses. i'd hide this post but i don't know how.

16 October 2007

misguided evangelism

never before have i said to myself as i walked across campus, “i’m SO blogging about this later!!”

for much of today, a large crowd of Christian missionaries from “Free Gospel Bible Institute” gathered at all four corners of one of the busiest intersections on campus, with a large banner cautioning all manner of “heathens,” including “Adulterers,” “Lesbians,” and “Potty-Mouths!”, that the time has come to repent and change our ways.

three or four people told me about this before i had to walk through it to get to class....i had to take a quiz, so i was kind of in a rush the first time. a girl held out a pamphlet to me and said, “excuse me—if you died today, do you know where you’d go?”

i took her tract, said, “yup,” and kept walking.

i had half an hour to kill between classes and i needed to walk in that direction anyway, so i decided it would be a good idea to have a conversation with some of these people. by that time, a handful of my friends from the Rainbow Alliance had appeared and were standing around waiting for something to happen. i struck up a conversation with three girls who looked a little younger than myself (i’m 20), asking them why they were there and patiently listening to their explanations and poorly drawn analogies and bible verses.

i honestly believe it’s important to understand all sides of an issue, so if i have time, i like to have conversations with people whose opinions differ from my own. even if neither of us sways the other, i get a fuller picture of what’s going on and why people think the way they do.

shortly thereafter, a banner arrived for the Rainbow Alliance, which my friends proudly held high, giving one good round of “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.” after only a moment or two, a whisper went around, and the girls i had been trying to have a productive conversation with suddenly said, “we have to go now, but it’s been nice meeting you.” they handed me a few more tracts and hurriedly left.

what struck me the most was the absence of energy in those people. i looked in their eyes and saw that they were completely spiritually empty. i felt so sorry for them....when the one girl told me, “we’ll pray for you,” i told her, “i’ll pray for you too.” and i meant it.

a couple of minutes later, i realized that not only had they left, but all the people wearing their uniforms had crossed to the opposite corner of the intersection—as far away from us as possible. this struck me as the greatest hypocrisy and was the most offensive thing i’d experienced all afternoon. one of the girls had been telling me that they just want others to know the peace they’ve found and the love of God. clearly they haven’t been reading their bibles as closely as they tried to tell me they have, or they would have known that Jesus did not reject and avoid “sinners”—in fact, He spent most of His time with them.

i borrowed one of our big signs from our president, the one that says “Rainbow Alliance Welcomes You,” and I walked to the corner of the sidewalk, held it over my head and yelled:


i returned the sign, said, “thank you; i feel better now,” and went to my next class.

earlier this morning, i had a wonderful conversation with a woman named Susan from the Intra-Varsity Christian Fellowship. she was sitting at a table with a sign that said “free soda if you tell us who you think Jesus is.” i was intrigued (more by the question than the soda, believe it or not), so i stopped to talk to her. she was very receptive to my opinion, even though it was different from her own, but she didn’t try to explain her view or force it on me or tell me i was wrong for my ideas. she told me that she believes when people are looking for God, it’s because God is looking for them too, and it’s important to ask these kinds of questions. she invited me to conversations they’re hoping to organize in the spring, but i told her she was the first evangelical (though i hesitated to use the word) Christian i’d met who hadn’t utterly scared me away (which was not entirely true, Kyle). she seemed to understand, handed me a coke, and thanked me for talking with her. i want to talk with her again.

11 October 2007


Happy National Coming Out Day!!!

...it's been good.

08 October 2007


i want to blame PMS for being absurdly over-emotional, but i hate it when girls do that.

06 October 2007

stream-of-consciousness x

i am semi-inadvertently finishing the box of reduced-sugar cinnamon toast crunch that my roommate bought when she was stoned and didn't realize they were reduced-sugar.

today i met a girl on the bus who struck up a conversation with me when the two boys she was with (one her brother, one her ex) went up to go harass the bus driver and some other passengers. they are going to be famous rap musicians someday. i gave her my screen name and told her i don't have a cell phone number. i don't expect to hear from her ever.

it's funny how sometimes the people you think you want to see the most make you realize how far away you want to be from where they are. not because they're there, just because they're connected to other things you want to be far away from. or maybe from things you don't want to be far away from but need to be, for some reason, and they just remind you more of how much you wish you could be there. this is probably one of those instances where it would help more to be less vague.

i hesitate to call this "stream-of-consciousness" because i keep taking big pauses to eat more cinnamon toast crunch, and i think a lot without writing.

on thursday night i participated in a mix cd exchange, and i'm listening now to the one i picked up, and it is pretty good. i don't know any of the songs on it.

my proudest moment this week was when i told somebody i respect about something i want to try to do but don't think i'm good enough for (yet), and he looked me in the eye and said "you should"

....that occurs a lot in my personal writing, saying someone "looked me in the eye" as they said something. it is very significant to me....it means a lot. eye contact is a powerful thing, especially between certain pairs of people and at certain moments.

the pile of cinnamon sugar in the bottom of the bag is a picture i don't yet have an adjective for.

is it bad that it's been [a day and a half and] one night without you, and i miss you already?

i put another haiku on the magnetic poetry board

i haven't had to listen to "nights in white satin" on the way to class at all this week. i had been doing that pretty much every day....it's an amazing song. i told my roommate, "it's a strange moment when you realize that your parents listen to really good music." she didn't seem to have ever had a similar moment.

this week is going to be very long. i'll probably reach the end of it faster than i expect to. would anyone like to lend me a black or blue-metallic tie? or a pair of suspenders?