26 May 2009

on a word

sometimes, the word you need doesn't exist, so you have to use one that comes close, even if it's not quite right. this has been causing me no end of confusion lately. but, confusion makes for fun writing, so...

when i choose to call her my girlfriend, i have my reasons. some of them are selfish. actually, most of them are selfish. it's easier, for one thing, than trying to explain: "well...we're together, so i guess she's my girlfriend, but she's not really a girl, but she's not really a boy either, and....oh fuck it." most people don't need (and wouldn't understand) the explanation anyway.

besides that, it's a way for me to come out. (do i even need to do that anymore? i'm pretty sure i'm so obviously queer that it's practically redundant.) there are ways to express one's not-singleness (unavailability?) without coming out, and there are times when i do this. i recognize that there may still be times when i have to. but it's a matter of pride, for me to express that this is who i choose to be with. this is the kind of relationship i'm interested in; this is the identity i'm cultivating for myself.

coming out is not something you do once. it's something you do over and over again for your whole life, and something you decide to do or not do in a thousand ways every day. this is one way in which i choose to do so, and one way in which i make an insufficient lexicon work for me.

it's also really fun to confuse people with a name and a pronoun that don't match. =)

1 comment:

Troll said...

One of my friends did the pronoun thing without realizing it or catching herself. It kind of made me smile.

I'd like to apologize in advance for all the hell my life is going to put you through. I'm sorry that sometimes I'm going to have to hide.