drag show, 2009

two weeks have passed, which is a long time for things that don't affect you. but this? i can't believe it's been so long.

this semester has gone unbelievably fast in general; the last several weeks, especially so.

i was not affected in the way i expected to be. that whole night went so fast....everything just moved. first i was on-stage, opening a show and trying my best to build the energy of hundreds of people who may not have cared. then, i made a bunch of bad jokes, lost track of the numbers, poured out my soul (to hundreds of people who may not have cared, but who cheered anyway), and the next thing i knew we were at fuel & fuddle.

(my chosen method of coping with incompetent, immature administrators, and the drama they create, is to ignore them.)

i don't remember much of my opening number. i remember more of it than of my debut....this seems to be common among drag performers. you black out during your debut and emerge with only shadows of memory. but the longer you've been doing it, the more you remember each number. i remember that it was not as good as i wanted it to be, but it was better than i had expected it to be, and it was good enough. other parts of the evening left much clearer impressions.

the dollar he pressed into my palm was worth so much more than a hundred pennies. especially knowing which dollar it was....i don't think he realized that connection, or why it would be important.

the two points of my monologue that stand out most clearly are "i am a person, and just like each and every one of you, i have the right to present myself as i wish to be seen"--and "i am a person, and i am in love with another person, and their gender doesn't matter either." at both of these points, the audience cheered so loudly--and so warmly--that i felt a profound sense of acceptance. and even thought i was still nervous as hell (that song wasn't for them, after all), it helped me to know that, no matter what, it really would be ok.

i have toyed with the idea of posting that monologue....i finally wrote it down after the fact, because i wanted to be able to say i'd composed it in my head, but i was amazed that i remembered the whole thing. but i question whether it would be appropriate....i'm not sure what reasons i'd use to argue either way. i suppose i could say, i will post it if anyone else wants to see it in writing. but then, perhaps the transience of it, the existence of it as pure and momentary--the very qualities that made it so precious to be in that room--would be compromised. certainly they already have been, for me [aside from it being written down, there's nothing momentary about something you've been planning for four months], but i wouldn't want to compromise them for too many others.