those things that i never really need to say but feel a need to put words on paper or in a little box with typeface.....who knows. the world is full of words that didn't even need to be there. and that sort of creates all other sorts of crap. hopefully i'm not creating crap by putting out random words, just throwing around some weird sort of energy perhaps. energy is a good thing. under most circumstances. occasionally it's good to have no energy. i've been sick the last couple days so of course i'm sleeping somewhere else. sometimes i'm a little silly i guess. irrational. let's prefer that word for now. "i'm a college student; i'm allowed to be irrational. and it's saturday night, besides." i like having nights free.....i've gotten a lot accomplished today actually. we had a homework party. and i read a lot. i only have about 20 pages left to read for tuesday. but i need to do my calculus homework. and find out when the language lab is open so i can do that section for my italian class.....i ought to burn the cd but i'd have to get a blank cd. i rather like italian i suppose....maybe i should have taken french. who knows. all romanze languages are basically the same (that was almost a typo but i like it with a z i think. i've seen it somewhere.) i'm waiting to be able to say something really pretty....yesterday was good i think; i hadn't seen jake all week. it's nice to see people. it's an entirely different kind of good when i see people i'm not supposed to see all week. i.e. people who don't live in my building. but whose living in my building would be exponentially more convenient. why am i here? ooh i'm not going all cosmic, no. i'm here to watch a movie at 11 and then go to sleep. or something like that. i like this movie it's a good movie it's a little old i think it's about as old as i am but it's still good. and lord knows how old monty python is i think it's even older. i like stream-of-consciousness because i feel no guilt for letting my thoughts spill onto a page. i keep waiting for an interruption but that may not happen for awhile. i don't think i would like having my stream-of-consciousness interrupted but it would be impossible to continue if it were. blah. annnnnyway. yes. there are still words in my brain. somewhere. they like to hide from me periodically, usually at the most inopportune times....it's rather a pain. i like my paper journal; it's at home and i am not. it's funny how "home" can change. i'm not homesick but today i miss my high school. not high school....my high school. you need to make this distinction....i don't think i will ever miss high school, but i miss the place i used to go. honestly i spent more of my waking hours there than i did at my house. for a long time. it's hard to just leave....it really wasn't but today i miss it more than usual. i woke up this morning and put on my class ring and started wondering why i still wear it, because so few people do, but it means so much to me. i find it hard to believe that when i graduate from college i'll feel the same. ha, yes, i did just delete the name of the school and change it to college because i prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. i don't think i've put a location anywhere.....i should check on that. it doesn't really matter. i doubt i'll be stalked really. i'm not provocative enough. if you're going to stalk me, please have a good reason for it. or be very open about it and joking. those are fun relationships. i wonder how many people are jokingly stalking me at any given time. it's probably more likely that i'm jokingly stalking someone else. i have those tendencies. i don't like the way this computer types....i may have to speak to her about this. oh, but i love her so....i haven't written a sonnet since the beginning of august. i feel dead poetically. i want to write another. maybe i should try to do that. sometimes sonnets are hard. especially when i'm sick, but the last time that happened i wrote a sonnet about how that's a lousy excuse. i don't really write any kind of poetry anymore. i used to write poetry all the time, in middle school, and it was all really crappy. i wonder what happened to lewie. [pause.] i don't think about him all that much anymore but when i do, it's heavy. i loved him deeply; he was my best friend and i'm not sure he ever knew. sometimes i wonder what might have happened if everything had been different. but that's such a general statement it should be true for everyone at least once. do you ever think about your life and how it would be so different if you had changed one decision? like if i were in boston right now....(i won't tell you where i am but i'll tell you where i'm not.) who knows; this all might never have happened. and where would i be? this is so good. i'd probably be falling for some gay guy. how unfortunate. luckily that's not the case....i do believe i am exactly where i need to be at this point in my life, and i have a meeting with my advisor on monday morning to ensure that i will continue to be there next semester. i want to take a religious studies/philosophy type course next semester. and intro to bio. hopefully the lab will not kill me; i'm very concerned about over-long labs. hello, i've waited here for you....no no no those words are not the same. i've had godspell music stuck in my head off-and-on for a few days now. i like godspell. i think this paragraph has gotten exceptionally long. bah. who needs paragraphs. i'm reading dos passos and it's interesting; i like the way he structures his paragraphs sometimes. his words read like the mind. i'm always a fan. i want to read oh who's that author...joyce, but i think that would hurt my brain. maybe next summer. maybe next year. maybe next lifetime. maybe in my next lifetime i'll be joyce. ha. i don't think it works that way. i think if i had ever been joyce, or if i were ever going to be joyce, i'd have at least the slightest inkling by now. like who was that lady i think i was.....she might have been anonymous not famous which is probably the case, oh yes now i'm quite certain. the words coming out of my head are beginning to sound stranger. life is odd. but quite worth it.
i think that's enough for now.
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