stream-of-consciousness

i was getting worried because i thought someone had synced the clocks, and that was going to be scary. but it turned out to be just the two in this room, and one of them doesn't really make noise anyway. there is a place in my house where you can stand and hear three different clocks ticking . . . it scares me. time is my archnemesis. there is nothing worse than when you are with someone and you want it never to end but there is a clock, and you can hear the minutes ticking by . . . i had something else in my brain but now it is gone. this is happening to me alot tonight. i was trying to write an email but i lost something important i wanted to say. oh and i was going to tell you all something about myself but i forget what it was. my brain . . . i have a pen garden and a red plastic rose and they make me feel special. not to mention the pen garden may be the coolest thing i will have in my room this fall . . . mostly because of the whole writing thing. i was writing a short story a little while ago but it's going very slowly and i'm having a hard time with it. i write about a paragraph every week and a half, or something like that. i know what's going to happen; it's the specifics that are hard. and my wrist hurts . . . i probably did something to it at work. grr. being a cashier is hazardous. especially today . . . i spent six hours at work that felt like ten. then i was invited to a lesbian karaoke bar, and i wanted to go but i just couldn't tonight. i'll probably never get the chance again. the thing is i think this girl is the shit . . . i would never go out with her, it's not that kind of thinking she's the shit, but more the way i'm intimidated by certain kinds of people. and then she was being nice to me and i thought she didn't like me. so that was kinda cool . . . it was a little funny cuz i saw her, i guess she came in to pick up a check or something, and i thought it was a dude and then i realized, Oh, it's her, and it made sense again. and my bumper sticker knowledge has been expanded. i want one of those now. so much more subtle than rainbows, i think. if i can't figure it out?....but i'm not too quick sometimes, so i shouldn't use that as the standard for anything. dammit, what was i going to say? i like music. that wasn't it but it crossed my mind because i saw "dammit" and then i thought "blink-182" and then i thought "music".....i think that song was on the first batch of crap i stole from geri a couple summers ago . . . wow. that was a project. i got a bunch more this summer but i haven't burned it to cds cuz i just put it on the ipod . . . oh, yeah, by the way, i have an ipod that i use because i have it. but i like cds. and i plan to continue buying them. i'm also a musician which tends to make me think that stealing music is bad . . . it depends on the music, and the stealing. i did burn "steal this album!" by system of a down, because they told me too. the other night i had a dream that my dad died. this is the second time this has happened; the first was exactly a month before. it kinda freaked me out.....

last night i went out with my two best friends and it was strange, because of other things that have happened that i don't feel like sharing with you yet. not knowing who you are and all. i want to write about that on paper but i haven't gotten to it yet.

there was something that was really in my head alot and i wanted to write about it in an email and in my paper journal but i cannot remember what it was! sometimes i dislike contractions. it isn't so much that i dislike them, as that i think it is fun not to use them occasionally. i also enjoy stringing bunches of big words together as often as possible to make my sentences more interesting, but i think it confuses people more often than not. actually they usually laugh. she always laughs. <3

if you want an essay with structure, wait. it will happen later. but for now, this blog is not for you.

i have aspirations of changing the political scene. but there is no way that's going to happen. at least, not here. not yet. i need to register to vote, because i can do that now. tonight in the car it occurred to me that i can do things like say i'll go to a lesbian bar, and go, because nobody can stop me. and i realized that i'm 18 and suddenly felt about 3 inches taller. it was interesting. just short of empowering. exhilarating. which i think i always misspell. always think i misspell? hm.

i think i might consider going to sleep, sometime. the time is always going to be the time i started typing. but i've seriously been working on this for about fifteen minutes. just to keep you informed. if you exist and are reading this. which you are probably not. at least not at the moment.