realization:

lol do you ever realize something silly like the fact that all the IM conversations in your start bar are with people you have kissed?

stream-of-consciousness ix

maybe this is what i should have been doing last night instead of writing an email. although that turned out really well.

i'm in that terrible place for a writer of knowing i have something to say but having no idea what it is or how to get to it. there are words that want to come pouring out of me, and i don't know how to tap them, and they won't come to me without being summoned. it's frustrating. there is something bubbling up in me that i can't identify or stop or start. not being able to start it is the bigger problem, i think.

words words words words words.....and the occasional typo; whatever......just, something, please.....

maybe this feeling of something needing to burst out of me is what they call "love." i hesitate. i need to. i hate that word; i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards. actually i don't hate the rewards; those are pretty nice. but it fit.

too soon to say. way too soon to say.

i no longer like rhyming. unless it's a sonnet or something else that's supposed to rhyme. i like those flowing run-ons that sounds like water and make me want to go play in the forest. i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards.

and where did you go?.....

(needy much?)

wtf.....pandora amuses me.

i feel better tonight, but i've still got a way to go until i'm totally better. i hurt less.
*music plays*
medicine is still my friend, maybe. i didn't think that earlier.

and here the words stall. god dammit!

my past is finally behind me. what does that mean? what should it mean? is there a should? particularly in this case.....

"love" can mean way too many things. "in love" can mean substantially fewer. maybe i should be more specific about risks and connotations and too-soons.

today i read alice's adventures in wonderland again. had i ever read it all the way through? i wasn't sure. i'm hungry. that's a problem. i don't feel like....eh, y'know. laziness rules all. it's after 11:30 at night and i don't need to be eating anything anyway. i want nachos.....oh, god, but i miss nachos. where is shannon?

my life!!!!

songs that used to be sad are not sad anymore.

i want to be happy! i AM happy!! is this allowed?.....

i think i am starting to grow up.....and that thought scares the shit out of me.

"when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know. so follow the leader down, and swallow your pride and drown. when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know."

sooner or later, stream-of-consciousness has to end. and whether anything has come of it....remains to be seen? no, i don't like that phrase. there's another one i want. what is it. (and) whether anything has come of it, doesn't matter. regardless of whether anything has come of it. bah.

i am so much more than i expected to be. am i what i expected to be?

tonight i read a bunch of old letters i wrote and never sent, in middle school. i found one i wrote to myself when i was 13, asking if i was making the right choice about high school and telling me i should get in touch with a couple of my old friends. and it was funny; i wrote then about needing to write and feeling like the only way to deal with these frustrations was to write, and i wrote that i hoped i would still understand, because otherwise a lot of time when i was young would have been a waste. i guess i wasn't kidding when i said i'd never forget what it was like to be that age, at least parts of it. funny how i can be a grown-up in some ways and still so much like myself as a child in others. i don't think the need to write is something i'll ever want to grow out of.

i feel not quite satisfied; i think there's a story hiding here somewhere. but that seems like a good place to stop.

thought:

there are no coincidences.

there is a picture of a fox on my living room wall.

sonnet 54

the hearts of human brothers often call
to each his other, lest the other be
awake to hear the voice that would enthrall
and offer love to make both brothers free
to love and live uncompromisingly.
but if someone will open not his heart,
he’ll lose much more than one friend’s love, we see:
he will not of community take part.
close not your heart! if you should think it strange
that someone reaches out, but not to touch.
too many feel this way, and we must change,
or we will face the loss of far too much.
romantic love will not the world unite;
we need a base of brothers to love right.
7/11/2007

stream-of-consciousness viii

i am hating itunes and my ipod right now. i had to wipe my ipod because it wouldn't talk to my computer anymore, and now itunes won't run to put music back on it. i've tried to "end the nonresponsive program" three times now and it still won't go away. ctrl+alt+del. do it.....still not working. right-clicking in the start bar didn't work either. five times. i hate my computer. i kinda want a new one, but at the same time i'm afraid i'll need to get one. if i do, i'm making it a mac. enough of this shit. but i'd rather not spend the money and i won't be able to get my parents to do it for me. they just bought my brother a computer for his high school graduation, and it was a dell because dells are cheapest. (read: that's what i'm dealing with right now.) i actually have no idea if my problems have to do with the kind of computer i'm using. but i choose to believe that getting a different kind of computer can't hurt.

i wrote something today. it almost had a plot. not really. but i got very excited about it, because i don't write things often. at least, not things like that. i write in my journal almost every day, and i write stuff here on occasion (still not very often, but more often than i write things that i think of as "writing"; we could argue about that sometime)

i don't like that parenthesis and the way it makes the sentence go but this is stream-of-consciousness so i'm leaving it.

i might post it at some point. who knows. i need a tag for "fiction." i just started tagging things. i don't know if that's useful. somebody got in touch with me over facebook saying he'd read a bunch of my poetry, so maybe he used it. that would make it useful.

i went to a party tonight, but i swear i'm sober. my roommate doesn't believe me, but it's true. you're not going to believe me either, because people who insist on their sobriety usually don't possess it. believe what you want. i know what's true.

fucking itunes. fucking computer.

anyway, the party was good. i won't write about it too much. good company and fun times. and who knows what other people will remember in the morning.

i'm debating just going to bed. i'm waiting for someone to call me. at one o'clock on friday morning. the thing is, as i discussed with my roommate just a few minutes ago, no matter what i might do earlier in the evening, there's still only one person i really want to be going back to at the end of the night.

who would have thought that would change.

if you're reading this (an earlier you), which i assume you're not but you might be......i don't know what i hope your reaction is so i can't anticipate it or

FUCKING ITUNES!!!

...so i can't anticipate it or respond to it. but i'm okay with you now, and i hope you're okay with me....that's what i was getting at in that email, and i'm not sure you understood. i should have just said it straightforwardly.

i know that some things don't belong on the internet, but i did that in the last two stream-of-consciousnesses at least. this is all going up. i'm not saying anything harmful, and i don't believe i'm even saying anything particularly insensitive.

my window is open and there's almost a breeze. it is 66 degrees outside, or so my taskbar tells me. fucking itunes. why won't my computer work.

i wrote something today....

and why won't you call. i might just go to bed; what an idea.

i don't know how i feel about that.

i wonder when i should stop this. phone!!