addendum to squicky moment #3: how many straight youth killed themselves this week?
and then this. at a homecoming dance his sister attended, peers cheered Jamey Rodemeyer's death.
disgusting. kids need to learn that their actions have consequences. and these kids should all be tried, convicted, and sentenced to work in a morgue.
27 September 2011
26 September 2011
on post-hoc activism
i love Lady Gaga as much as the next relatively mainstream queer. that's not the point of this post, and that's why i'm not going to elaborate on my reasons.
i have some mixed feelings about her tribute performance at the iHeartRadio festival.
in case you're behind on gay news, a 14-year-old kid named Jamey Rodemeyer killed himself after enduring years of bullying by his peers. in case that's not fucked up enough, this same kid had made a video for the It Gets Better project, touting Lady Gaga's positive influence in his life. (i have not watched it yet, but there's the link if you want to.)
so Lady Gaga gets all up in arms and insists on meeting with the President to talk about bullying and making it a hate crime and sings this version of "Hair" as a tribute and says "bullying is for losers." this isn't really anything new; Lady Gaga has been a long-time anti-bullying advocate and the right of people to live as they are is the point of the entire Born This Way album. i think it's great when anyone with some degree of fame pays attention to this problem. but i feel funny about this.
squicky moment #1: i hate "Hair." it is without question my least favorite track on the album, mostly because i think the lyrics are stupid. it's not my song and i can't know what she was thinking/feeling when she wrote it. i just can't get into lyrics like "if i'm a hotshot mom will cut my hair at night" and "i just wanna be free, i just wanna be me, and i want lots of friends that invite me to their parties." really? really? "i am my hair"? that's the core of your identity? even more, that's what you're going to promote as a strong source of identity? i hope i'm missing something.
squicky moment #2: we have to rely on pop icons to spread messages of tolerance & acceptance because our political leaders, pastors, and principals aren't doing it.
squicky moment #3: how many other LGBTQ youth killed themselves this week? how many LGBTQ adults killed themselves this week? how many LGBTQ people were killed by others this week? how many of them will we never hear about? how many elders did we lose to AIDS this week? every life is precious, and every loss is a tragedy.
squicky moment #4: how many middle- and high-school kids who bully others for being/seeming queer are gonna give a shit whether Lady Gaga thinks they're a loser? furthermore, bullies bully because they feel like losers, so they need to find somebody else to put down and feel bigger than. so even if they do take it to heart, it's probably only going to make the problem worse.
i'd really like to sing the Lady's praises unconditionally and say "oh man this is great that she's calling attention to this and that kid would be so happy to know she dedicated a song to him at such a major event!" but in reality, Jamey Rodemeyer is dead. he killed himself because humans can't treat each other like humans, and even though he wanted to tell other kids playing the same shit hand he was dealt that it would be ok, he couldn't find a way to make it so. he's never going to hear this song or watch this video. he's never going to graduate from high school. he's never going to prove to the kids who bullied him, to the politicians and regular citizens who vote him down at every turn, to the preachers who told him and will tell us that he's already in hell, and most importantly to himself that he was worth a human life.
i have some mixed feelings about her tribute performance at the iHeartRadio festival.
in case you're behind on gay news, a 14-year-old kid named Jamey Rodemeyer killed himself after enduring years of bullying by his peers. in case that's not fucked up enough, this same kid had made a video for the It Gets Better project, touting Lady Gaga's positive influence in his life. (i have not watched it yet, but there's the link if you want to.)
so Lady Gaga gets all up in arms and insists on meeting with the President to talk about bullying and making it a hate crime and sings this version of "Hair" as a tribute and says "bullying is for losers." this isn't really anything new; Lady Gaga has been a long-time anti-bullying advocate and the right of people to live as they are is the point of the entire Born This Way album. i think it's great when anyone with some degree of fame pays attention to this problem. but i feel funny about this.
squicky moment #1: i hate "Hair." it is without question my least favorite track on the album, mostly because i think the lyrics are stupid. it's not my song and i can't know what she was thinking/feeling when she wrote it. i just can't get into lyrics like "if i'm a hotshot mom will cut my hair at night" and "i just wanna be free, i just wanna be me, and i want lots of friends that invite me to their parties." really? really? "i am my hair"? that's the core of your identity? even more, that's what you're going to promote as a strong source of identity? i hope i'm missing something.
squicky moment #2: we have to rely on pop icons to spread messages of tolerance & acceptance because our political leaders, pastors, and principals aren't doing it.
squicky moment #3: how many other LGBTQ youth killed themselves this week? how many LGBTQ adults killed themselves this week? how many LGBTQ people were killed by others this week? how many of them will we never hear about? how many elders did we lose to AIDS this week? every life is precious, and every loss is a tragedy.
squicky moment #4: how many middle- and high-school kids who bully others for being/seeming queer are gonna give a shit whether Lady Gaga thinks they're a loser? furthermore, bullies bully because they feel like losers, so they need to find somebody else to put down and feel bigger than. so even if they do take it to heart, it's probably only going to make the problem worse.
i'd really like to sing the Lady's praises unconditionally and say "oh man this is great that she's calling attention to this and that kid would be so happy to know she dedicated a song to him at such a major event!" but in reality, Jamey Rodemeyer is dead. he killed himself because humans can't treat each other like humans, and even though he wanted to tell other kids playing the same shit hand he was dealt that it would be ok, he couldn't find a way to make it so. he's never going to hear this song or watch this video. he's never going to graduate from high school. he's never going to prove to the kids who bullied him, to the politicians and regular citizens who vote him down at every turn, to the preachers who told him and will tell us that he's already in hell, and most importantly to himself that he was worth a human life.
29 August 2011
on chivalry
there are a few things in Boston that are going to take some getting used to after living in Pittsburgh. i've thought to write about them, but one in particular has grabbed my attention lately.
it's so great to live in a city with functional mass transit. they have the T system really well worked out here: trains run frequently, fares are reasonable, and you can use them to get pretty much everywhere. but the subway cars are always crowded. the seats are arranged like a cross between the D.C. metro and the NYC subway, with some facing forward/backward and a fair number along the sides of the car. there's plenty of room for standers as well.
here's what i've noticed: the only people who offer to give up their seats to anyone are women. one man did offer his seat to me last week, but he was middle-aged and clearly from out of town (visiting his college-aged daughter and her boyfriend, who were both seated near him and his wife), and only after i offered my seat to an elderly woman who got on the train a few stops after us. outwardly-appearing male people under the age of 40 never offer their seats to anyone. not all outwardly-appearing female people do, but with that one exception, all the people i've seen do so have been women or girls.
this gets me thinking. ever since i figured out that gender roles are not black-and-white, i've tried to be chivalrous. that is, i try to treat people with respect, and i try to treat women with a special level of it. part of this is the lesbian in me, hoping she will notice, and part of this is the gender rebel in me, trying to make people go what-the-fuck. but i never expect other women to behave this way; i always expect that men should.
if there is one seat left on the train and Chance and i are together, i always get to sit down.
the conclusion i'm drawing is, chivalry is not dead. chivalry will not die as long as there are butches.
the subsequent question: how does this relate to the still-foreign concept of outwardly heteronormative women performing chivalrous acts that their masculine counterparts do not?
it's so great to live in a city with functional mass transit. they have the T system really well worked out here: trains run frequently, fares are reasonable, and you can use them to get pretty much everywhere. but the subway cars are always crowded. the seats are arranged like a cross between the D.C. metro and the NYC subway, with some facing forward/backward and a fair number along the sides of the car. there's plenty of room for standers as well.
here's what i've noticed: the only people who offer to give up their seats to anyone are women. one man did offer his seat to me last week, but he was middle-aged and clearly from out of town (visiting his college-aged daughter and her boyfriend, who were both seated near him and his wife), and only after i offered my seat to an elderly woman who got on the train a few stops after us. outwardly-appearing male people under the age of 40 never offer their seats to anyone. not all outwardly-appearing female people do, but with that one exception, all the people i've seen do so have been women or girls.
this gets me thinking. ever since i figured out that gender roles are not black-and-white, i've tried to be chivalrous. that is, i try to treat people with respect, and i try to treat women with a special level of it. part of this is the lesbian in me, hoping she will notice, and part of this is the gender rebel in me, trying to make people go what-the-fuck. but i never expect other women to behave this way; i always expect that men should.
if there is one seat left on the train and Chance and i are together, i always get to sit down.
the conclusion i'm drawing is, chivalry is not dead. chivalry will not die as long as there are butches.
the subsequent question: how does this relate to the still-foreign concept of outwardly heteronormative women performing chivalrous acts that their masculine counterparts do not?
16 August 2011
on emotional misconduct
i started writing this months ago about one emotion. then when i picked it up again, that one turned into two. the two are so closely related that i feel no need to adjust my use of nouns.
i'm glad i know what pure, all-consuming hatred feels like. it's not a comfortable feeling; i don't like it. i'm glad that i am able to experience the full range of human emotions in all their depth, and i like learning about them. i believe it is my purpose as a human being to live the fullest human experience i can, and emotional experience is a big part of that.
i'm glad i know what pure, all-consuming hatred feels like. it's not a comfortable feeling; i don't like it. i'm glad that i am able to experience the full range of human emotions in all their depth, and i like learning about them. i believe it is my purpose as a human being to live the fullest human experience i can, and emotional experience is a big part of that.
hate is ugly. it makes me an ugly person, and i don't want it in me. and the truth is, i don't know why it's in me. i've heard it said--mostly by religious people, which always makes me suspicious (even though in this case i suspect it's true)--that forgiveness is the cure. but forgiveness is hard, especially when you can't identify what it is you need to forgive a person for. or when it's so many things that it seems impossible, or their behavior is so consistent that it seems the person will never change and it won't be worth the effort.
it's not always possible to deal with anger productively. edit: it may not always be simple to do so. what if the person or people with whom you are angry is/are not receptive to anything you have to say? yelling doesn't work. even in writing--i've written pages i can't even flip past anymore without feeling heat bubble into my face.
so my response, at least recently, has been to leave it behind. this may or may not be the same as ignoring it. i can admit that i'm angry, i can admit that i feel hatred, but it seems to me that there's no need to invest energy in those negative emotions. so i don't. the problem is that this leaves a lot of things unresolved. it would be much easier if letting go meant letting go, but anger is a stubborn beast. if there is no resolution, no explanation of what made me angry and no indication that the situation will change (or, at the worst case, absolutely nothing i can do about it), the slightest thing can trigger a descent right back down that slippery slope. stupid facebook with its old pictures in the right-hand column. a shared name on a television show. someone of similar stature or bearing seen from behind. adrenaline, heat, and frustration. what do you do? what am i supposed to do?
i don't think that experiencing anger, or even hate, is in itself somehow unenlightened. but i think this lack of understanding of how to deal with it, this uncertainty that my method will work, shows there is a lot i have left to learn. and i think it's terribly unfortunate that there are people who want to keep me in those emotions--even moreso that in so doing, those people are keeping themselves there. (what's really funny is, in so doing, they've accused me of the same.)
i hope this is a conversation i can continue to have with myself. it needs to be.
09 August 2011
wedding
i've been meaning to write some thoughts on the wedding i went to as part of the Epic Road Trip, and here i sit having found about 2 dozen jobs to apply for and wanting to submit nothing until my signature is on a piece of paper that confirms i will have a Boston address, so i might as well.
it's interesting to find yourself in a collision of people you knew well a number of years ago, whether that number is few or many--it's all relative. some of those people have clearly kept in better touch than others. it's always interesting to take a field trip to your past.
the wedding ceremony itself was probably my favorite that i've ever been to. admittedly, that number is small. i loved the combination of "christian and pre-christian traditions" that resulted in some of the most honest & meaningful promises i've ever witnessed. i felt privileged to be there. particularly striking:
"will you burden her?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"will you anger him?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"you cannot possess me, for i belong to myself, but while we are living, i will give you that which is mine to give."
i wonder what it's like to be someone to whom the words "husband" and "wife" have meaning. they don't to me, really.
when he approached me at the reception and asked, "what did you think of the ceremony?" i believed that it mattered.
the moment of pride upon learning--and sharing--that the three of us were the reason there were no titles (mr., ms, mrs.) on anyone's placecards. there is still work to be done in this circle (to anyone who may wonder whether it's appropriate to invite a transwoman to a bachelor party, or whether she "disqualified [her]self": the answer is to treat her like every other woman you know, because she is one.), but we have already made such a difference. (memory: "so, you swing?" "...sit down. we are having this conversation right. now.")
and of the woman mentioned above: i have so much admiration and respect for the strength and resilience it must have taken to walk into that place, completely yourself, and surround yourself with the boys who knew you as he, the ones you shared living space with in a college dorm, the ones who knew you when.
it's interesting to find yourself in a collision of people you knew well a number of years ago, whether that number is few or many--it's all relative. some of those people have clearly kept in better touch than others. it's always interesting to take a field trip to your past.
the wedding ceremony itself was probably my favorite that i've ever been to. admittedly, that number is small. i loved the combination of "christian and pre-christian traditions" that resulted in some of the most honest & meaningful promises i've ever witnessed. i felt privileged to be there. particularly striking:
"will you burden her?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"will you anger him?" "i may." "is that your intention?" "no."
"you cannot possess me, for i belong to myself, but while we are living, i will give you that which is mine to give."
i wonder what it's like to be someone to whom the words "husband" and "wife" have meaning. they don't to me, really.
when he approached me at the reception and asked, "what did you think of the ceremony?" i believed that it mattered.
the moment of pride upon learning--and sharing--that the three of us were the reason there were no titles (mr., ms, mrs.) on anyone's placecards. there is still work to be done in this circle (to anyone who may wonder whether it's appropriate to invite a transwoman to a bachelor party, or whether she "disqualified [her]self": the answer is to treat her like every other woman you know, because she is one.), but we have already made such a difference. (memory: "so, you swing?" "...sit down. we are having this conversation right. now.")
and of the woman mentioned above: i have so much admiration and respect for the strength and resilience it must have taken to walk into that place, completely yourself, and surround yourself with the boys who knew you as he, the ones you shared living space with in a college dorm, the ones who knew you when.
08 August 2011
life update
i'm pretty sure that i need this license to get a job, but i need a job to get this license.
we thought we found a place to live, but by the time we got around to the paperwork, somebody else had already put down a deposit. back to square one.
if i am at least smart enough to figure out how to ask for help with the parts of this process that confuse me, don't treat me like an idiot. there's no excuse for rudeness over the phone.
vacation was nice. i'm trying not to prolong it too much.
we thought we found a place to live, but by the time we got around to the paperwork, somebody else had already put down a deposit. back to square one.
if i am at least smart enough to figure out how to ask for help with the parts of this process that confuse me, don't treat me like an idiot. there's no excuse for rudeness over the phone.
vacation was nice. i'm trying not to prolong it too much.
22 July 2011
dreams/tattoo/marbles/thought/things
i've been having some crazy dreams lately. apparently there are some interactions my subconscious feels the need to complete, whether or not i'll get the opportunity in my waking life. last night i dreamed that i literally knocked somebody out of a performance they were hijacking and then told them, "you are a gluttonous, selfish exhibitionist. selfish. it's embarrassing, really." then my subconscious thought that sentence was so perfect that dream-me needed to go write it down. so i guess i can honor my subconscious for getting through that interaction for me by putting it here.
my tattoo is in the stage of healing where it's peeling in giant flakes. incredibly exciting, but also a little unnerving.
this town has literally brought me to tears at least three times in the last few days. i was driving into Lawrenceville past Wilson's Pharmacy and saw their LED sign in the window that read, "Good luck [4 random feminine names] at the National Marbles Championship!" this is the kind of place i am leaving, where a locally-owned and run business will recognize members of the community--youth--by name in their window, for marbles.
and a thought that's been floating around in my head for months if not longer:
by the time you decided to become a boy, i was ready to be with a man.
my belongings are in a big metal box on a truck on their way to a faraway place. panic is setting in, a little bit.
my tattoo is in the stage of healing where it's peeling in giant flakes. incredibly exciting, but also a little unnerving.
this town has literally brought me to tears at least three times in the last few days. i was driving into Lawrenceville past Wilson's Pharmacy and saw their LED sign in the window that read, "Good luck [4 random feminine names] at the National Marbles Championship!" this is the kind of place i am leaving, where a locally-owned and run business will recognize members of the community--youth--by name in their window, for marbles.
and a thought that's been floating around in my head for months if not longer:
by the time you decided to become a boy, i was ready to be with a man.
my belongings are in a big metal box on a truck on their way to a faraway place. panic is setting in, a little bit.
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