microcosm:

running into [someone] on the street on my way to class:
"i have to go..."

it's been a while

it seems i always want what i can't have. i think this happens to a lot of people, most people even, but it doesn't make it any easier.

while in the past it has seemed that as soon as i get something i want, it no longer interests me, i think i'm getting better about this. i hope i am.

this is the abridged version of "i need to sort out my life because i have no fucking clue what's going on." except that i need to take a weekend off to travel. and i'm not even really sure if that will help, but i know i need to find out.

"chop suey" just came up on shuffle. there's a song that used to mean a lot. i still remember when and why i started listening to WHFS, and nights in the dark with headphones and the 9 at 9. this is still an awesome song.

cryptic entries don't belong here. i wish i had something better to post. i've been doing sudoku in class more often than i've been writing sonnets. one week til spring break--maybe i'll write something then. (mostly it's that any energy i put into writing really ought to be put towards sorting things out.)

the circumstances are not as dire as i wish to make them appear.

meditation on roles

i promised this a few weeks ago, but then i got caught up with a bunch of sonnets and wanting to put some semblance of a summary into the ether. written during a really bad class (Jan 30).

this man is not a Teacher . . . but he is doing the job of a teacher. maybe that's what i don't like about him. he's not a bad man . . . he's just a [good] man who's too stubborn to admit that he's in the wrong place.

now i've sunk into a meditation on roles . . . you can have multiple roles . . . countless, possibly . . . you could be a Student and a Teacher, for example (which i believe i may be) . . . or, for example, you could be a Feeler more than a Thinker--it doesn't mean you're incapable of doing both, it just means you're more inclined to one. this man is trying to teach--i'll give him credit for his effort--it's just not in his nature. he has aspects of a Healer, and of a Student, and i'm sure he does those [his other] jobs very well.

Sonnet 63

my concentration’s thoroughly destroyed!
my mind keeps drifting out of my control.
these thoughts of what has been, i can’t avoid,
and my distraction soon will take its toll.
to leave my mind, my body too reacts;
these butterflies avenge their long absence.
their flight is constant; i cannot relax;
there’s nothing they will hear of my defense.
and yet, i find i wouldn’t change this fate,
despite my forced return to normalcy,
for if these thoughts and feelings won’t abate,
perhaps it makes that dream reality.
i might have thought what happened wasn’t so . . .
it’s true but distant: to it i must go.

2/11/08
decided to post it after all.

february

although i've been writing a lot of sonnets lately,
i don't think they quite suffice.
let's try something different.

1 big gay conference in Detroit
2 girls i don't know what to do with
3 days until i have class again
4 IM windows open right now
5 classes that are supposed to be eating up my time
6 weeks until Easter
7 months into this relationship (or thereabouts)

...yeah that died out around 8.....i'd like to come up with something better.

travel through the flatlands
borrowed minivan with loud music and close(r) friends
70-story hotel
watching the ice floes going down the river between here and Canada
activism
lack of sleep
new accents
anticipation
flattery
slow acceptance of a new identity
returning to homework
late-night IM conversations
guilt & confusion
productive meetings
*snow*
a surprisingly nice valentine's day
sleep-inducing grey skies
flowers for my roommate
exams i'm not studying for
proposals i'm not writing
increased productivity in light of both of those
february.

sonnet 64

my mother told me once she's sure i'll wed.
my problem's in the reasoning she gave.
"you've too much love and passion," so she said,
and i will take those words into my grave.
do love and passion always make a pair?
if i've a surplus, why should i constrain
that love to just one person? is it fair,
if i have much to give, those gifts should lay
within my heart and never be received?
a raging fire doesn't keep to hearth,
it spreads beyond control, and i'd be grieved
if my supposed passion fades to dark.
to build a fire for one person's sight
does a disservice to those who need light.
--2/11/08

there were two in that class yesterday, but i can't decide how i feel about the first one.

mix tape ii

music inspired by Creating Change
...or, more accurately, by someone i met there.
(or, more simply, the playlist i made and listened to in the car on the way home.)

1) Strange & Beautiful - Aqualung
2) Breathe Me - Sia
3) One Chance - Modest Mouse
4) Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
5) Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
6) Queer - Garbage
7) Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
8) 21 things i want in a lover - Alanis Morissette
9) Here's to the Night - Eve 6
10) Night Drive - Jimmy Eat World
11) Been a Son - Nirvana
12) Cemetery Drive - My Chemical Romance
13) Date With the Night - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
14) Woman - Wolfmother
15) Birdhouse In Your Soul - They Might Be Giants
16) Glass Vase Cello Case - Tattle Tale
17) Freaks - Imperial Teen
18) Easy - Barenaked Ladies
19) Love You Madly - Cake
20) You Never Know - Dave Matthews Band
21) Linger - The Cranberries
22) Letter To A Pretty Girl - The Avett Brothers
23) Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
24) The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - The Postal Service
25) Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

...i think i'm in trouble. =D