sonnet 45

imagine if the muse had run astray--
her laughter i see living in your face,
her joy related newly every day
in the love that's present in the space
between us. life you give the muse who breaks
her chains to join us in rapt harmony;
reviving love you give this soul, who wakes
to hear the tones of this epiphany.
that muse seeks no forgiveness for her sin--
she knows transgression leads to greater good--
for she gives witness to the love within,
and sees though others say "should not!"--we should.
that renegade lends credence to my claims
by matching her creation with my aims.

finished 2/21/2006
inside the back of my linguistics notebook

ha

haha, so i totally fucked up my blog by using less-than and greater-than symbols. and i'm too lazy to fix it. but now i know not to do it again. maybe i'll fix it some other time.

who was margaret mead? i'm also too lazy to study.

stream-of-consciousness V

it's been over a month since i posted anything, and i'm sitting here procrastinating, so i might as well write something. i'm going to target in a little bit but i don't want to stand out in the cold waiting for the bus and as there is only one route that takes me exactly where i'd like to go i looked up the schedule (gasp) and am waiting to go outside in the cold until it is almost here. alex will be joining me. good times. i haven't seen him in a while. and i should be studying for my multiple midterms (1 down, 2 to go) but i don't want to anymore. i like multiple choice and true-false questions. and linguistics is linguistics and i love it so i should be fine. i need groceries. i like eating 3 meals a day. campus food is icky. alex claims to be "homemaker motivated" so maybe he can share some of that with me. however i want nothing to do with his buying pants. i like giftcards. they are ever so convenient. i like that i don't have to pay for my groceries right now if i go to target. this was exactly why i asked for giftcards to there for christmas (thank you for paying attention, the person who got me a card to macy's....by the way i shop at goodwill for clothes).....blah. this week is....this week could stand to be a week later. i also need to finish my essay for my housing application....silly honors community. but oh, how i love it. stream of consciousness makes me happy. especially with a keyboard in front of me. it goes so much faster than writing with a pen and the words are less likely to get blocked up in my head resulting in the loss of something.

i love the girl.

that's really pretty important. and kind of awesome. oh wow, it just occurred to me that anyone who can see my profile on facebook has the link to this site....i wonder if he'll explore. oh well. it's time for him to know anyway, i suppose. but we never talk. which is kind of ok. i think we could get along very well if we never talk except for once in a while. it's strange how relationships change....i could make a study of it. just from my own life. i think most people could. the things you don't expect to ever happen.....in any direction. i like life.

so yeah, my tattoo idea has gone out of fashion in my brain....it pops up every now and again. i don't think about it much. i'll probably think about it some more over the summer when i get bored. i need a job. would anyone like to give me a job? a paid internship somewhere would be nice. unfortunately i'm not qualified enough for anything internship-like. one year of college, woohoo.....that'll land me back at the grocery store, most likely. which i wouldn't mind, but i don't think they want to hire me again because the store manager is a douchebag. that's a really fun word. but i probably shouldn't put it on the internet. oh, fuck, nobody knows who i am. sort of. and even if they do, he's not hiring me again anyway....it's so ridiculous. i do good work for you when i'm there. why wouldn't you want to hire me again, even if it is just for the summer? can it possibly cost that much to change your payroll, or not even take me off it but give me a fucking leave of absence, which is what i wanted at the end of the summer anyway. i wonder if the movie theater ever gave up on me. see what the difference is when i actually like my job? i liked coming home from work last summer not feeling like i wanted to kill myself. that was pleasant.

computer geeks are silly. i <3>

i wonder. if you love something really a lot, should it be >3? or is it one of those things where the intensity increases the smaller the number? like, the number is volume but the mass stays the same? so the density goes up? so if you love someone tons it would be <2>

yay procrastination.

bus is supposed to be there around 4:10. *sigh*....buses. i like the city buses, actually. yay public transportation.

yay lots of things!

2005 survey

does anyone wonder yet where i get these things from?

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? went to college
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? my resolution for the last few years has been not to make any more new years resolutions, but this year i'm resolving not to gain any more weight....half-serious, i suppose....
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no
4. Did anyone close to you die? i don't think so...
5. What countries did you visit? none
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? an apartment, but i don't think it's going to happen
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 7. and May 31, i suppose (graduation)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? graduating valedictorian and going to college...passing honors comp is pretty high up there too i guess
9. What was your biggest failure? i'm trying to think....i did a pretty good job this year i think...
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? my obligatory colds, always right before choral concerts...nothing major, oh, except for that weird throat thing over the summer
11. What was the best thing you bought? dinner at the golden palace
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? g*
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? a*, a few times i guess
14. Where did most of your money go? food and movies
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? HFStival!!!
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2005? Aqualung, "Brighter Than Sunshine"
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? oh, so much happier
ii. thinner or fatter? i'm not thinner
iii. richer or poorer? ooh...i'm not sure....probably just a tad bit richer?
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? explored my new city
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? sleeping, and bumming around my dorm room
20. How will you be spending Christmas? spent it with my family in vt
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? very yes.
23. How many one-night stands? none!
24. What was your favorite TV program? i discovered south park and the daily show, but i don't watch much TV
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no. i probably have the opposite.
26. What was the best book you read? the perks of being a wallflower
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Aqualung and Mogwai
28. What did you want and get? her
29. What did you want and not get? a full ride to college, but it's my own damn fault
30. What was your favorite film of this year? crash? who knows. i saw way too many movies this summer.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i went to dinner and the park with geri and molly, and we sat around and talked for hours. it was wonderful. i was 18.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? fewer neuroses
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? dykier.
34. What kept you sane? what always has?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? i dunno, dave grohl? i saw him in person
36. What political issue stirred you the most? gay marriage
37. Who did you miss? molly
38. Who was the best new person you met? i've met so many new people this year that's really not fair.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: it's ok not to care. sometimes, you can't.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "so here i am, it's in my hands, and i'll savor every moment of this." -the used, "the taste of ink." that's actually my yearbook quote, which is pretty cheesy, but i have to say it's true. (but the one i really want to use is "i'm yours and suddenly you're mine, and it's brighter than sunshine.")

stream-of-consciousness IV

haven't done one of these in a while; thought i might bother to do it again. i'm not sure i actually have anything to say....the semester's almost over and i can't wait....maybe that's not entirely true. maybe it is. i'm tired of this semester....my classes are killing me and i want to move on. except they're not killing me right now because i have this procrastinatory disease....i want to talk to the girlfriend but i'm not sure i actually feel like making the effort....and i should try to write something for my paper but i'm doing this instead, and i think i'm dangerously close to falling asleep....it's not that my habits have gotten that much worse (yes it is) but i'm so tired of it all that i just don't feel like doing it anymore....watch, i'll be better in january (no i won't)....i want to go do calculus with alex, all recent definitions um....hm. maybe i should listen to what i'm saying. i don't know what i'm saying. yay, stream-of-consciousness. my brain is crazy. don't you just love it.....my roommate is driving me crazy but i don't want to tell her but i think she reads my blog so this will be a fun conversation....i love her but sometimes.....it's that way with everyone, isn't it? "arc--something!!" that was fun. i think i made my professor laugh. back to calculus again. hehe i just edited my stream-of-consciousness; i don't like doing that. but i really have nothing to say. life is good, i suppose....the semester's almost over...i said that already. i had free pizza tonight. yay. and filled out a survey and entered a drawing and didn't win anything. i don't feel like being in my room anymore but i have noplace to go and i really should go to sleep. ha. i did laundry today, that was nice. i like doing laundry. it's just so inconvenient.

happy 3 mokky and sir

life is happy when i can see pretty pictures of two girls who love each other who give me faith that things can work. it almost makes me feel like she's here.

75 things

it has been suggested, somehow not on purpose, that i compile such a list.

75 things i've learned:
1) people suck.
2) boys are stupid.
3) south side not = south side works.
4) Jews for Jesus are fucking annoying.
5) if you're born Catholic, part of you will always be Catholic, no matter what you try to do about it.
6) insomnia is contagious.
7) bipolar disorder is not funny, and sometimes it can be downright scary.
8) don't ever refuse to apply for a scholarship because "i don't want to go there."
9) it's dumb not to let people pay for things when they offer.
10) no, the bomb dog won't find the condoms in the bottom of your locker (or if it does, nobody will say anything to you.)
11) catholic-school-girl uniforms are lost on me.
12) "there's nothing homosexual about that.."
13) if enough people complain loudly enough, radio stations come back.
14) goodwill is awesome.
15) if you care about somebody, say something
16) procrastination is dangerous.
17) i haven't learned anything interesting (compared to serious band fags)
18) not all bagpipers have anything to do with scotland.
19) make sure you're not being followed before you yell potentially incriminating things up the D stairs.
20) TAKE CALCULUS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
21) sometimes, if something hurts, immobilizing it will actually make it worse
22) free concerts are the best kind.
23) Molly is not gay.
24) hehe
25) elevators can be a good place to meet people
26) some things are not meant for the internet.
27) it can be ok not to explore.
28) if you sit in the back hallway during band class, nobody will find you except brass players going to the bathroom, and they won't tell.
29) dr woodburn is the best study hall proctor ever.
30) Gustav Holst is fucking awesome
31) there are confederate towels in Myrtle Beach
32) Adrienne Rich is also pretty awesome
33) quarters are the most valuable unit of currency.
34) apparently, you can transport goldfish in a nalgene bottle (i haven't tested this personally yet)
35) split-second reactions to things are often not safe
36) surprise sales rock
37) you can lock people into their dorm rooms
38) in the beginning, god said, "let there be lips." and there were lips. and it was good.
39) it's ok to eat fish, because they don't have any feelings.
40) if you're persistent enough, playing bass with the amp towards the floor will get the guys downstairs to turn their fucking music down.
41) it's better to have to get up early in the morning than not to be there at all.
42) the buttermilk pancakes at c-side make up for everything else.
43) bubbles make most people happy.
44) nobody on the honors floors has play-doh.
45) everyone has sentimental connections to "wonderwall."
46) 7-11 is a good thing to have around.
47) singers are generally a pain in the ass.
48) maple syrup on french fries is really, really good. much better than you thought it would be.
49) writing sonnets is a good way to survive AP statistics (and pass with a 5)
50) orange juice can go bad in the fridge.
51) facebook is stupid and pointless, but i'm addicted to it anyway.
52) will is not pretending to be a chauvinist.
53) northern vermont is really pretty, but also really boring.
54) cable television is largely overrated.
55) south park is not.
56) lovebirds need a lot of attention.
57) the dog usually knows the best places to hide.
58) virginia slims are all menthol.
59) you probably don't want to know where that stain on your carpet came from.
60) i was never intended to play improvisational jazz bass.
61) pooh bear was a taoist
62) the cathedral is a good place to get work done, and it's open all the time.
63) it's not a good idea to stay up til 3AM when you have class in the morning.
64) "retarded" is overused, and usually not correctly so.
65) seeing fireworks at eye-level is pretty cool.
66) smart people don't have sex?
67) EVERYTHING has homosexual undertones.
68) gaydar can be developed, but is rarely flawless.
69) communism, while lovely on paper, doesn't work in practice.
70) it's all much funnier than you currently realize.
71) you can get electrocuted through the phone. it's pretty exciting.
72) yes, i really am that sheltered.
73) change is the only constant.
74) it's impossible to put finite terms on something that's infinite.
75) everything will seem much less important in the morning.