New Year

i feel full of life and surrounded by beautiful people
but like i am in desperate need of that one right person
and i don't know who it is.

today is promise.
it is also a jarring return to real life,
after the distractions of last week.

the convention was amazing. i am enthusiastic
and energetic.
i also made my drag debut.
the character needs work,
but we do with what we have.

last night....
adjectives defy me.

"so this is the new year,
and i don't feel any different"

sonnet 49

i feel a change, but also feel it not,
uncertain of what weight this night should hold;
i've played my cards, i've spun, i've cast my lot,
and hope my gambles haven't been too bold.
i live amidst both fear and love of change;
i risk it all, but hope all stays the same,
a hope that many may perceive as strange:
i'm meanwhile wishing nothing will remain.
and so i rest my fate in your skilled hands
as i have done before, and trust that all
will happen as was meant when sea and sands
were laid in place, and we were given call.
once each decision's made, hope's all we get,
and faith that we have made the better bet.

stream-of-consciousness VII

feels like it's about time for another one of these. i'm tired. this week is actually not as bad as i thought it would be....it was just that paper. everything else is just homework. there's always homework. i don't mind it. if it's reading, i generally don't do it. i should. i try. i catch up before exams, generally. the semester still needs to end, by general consensus. and because semesters should always end. that's why they're called "semesters." it's actually not, but it results from it. ... yeah.

anyway, so i do stupid things. what else is new? perhaps when this is done i'll take a nap.

posting for the sake of posting!! yay!!

i'm worried. you're away message says you're going crazy. anything i can do? this belongs in an IM, not a blog. oh well. stream-of-consciousness. my best excuse for everything.

[editing out six paragraphs]

some things don't belong on the internet. i think i'll save this to my computer instead.

sonnet 48

grant me permission to persuade myself
that passion over reason knows what's right.
remind me that to think about all else
will serve only to complicate my plight.
i've seen it all before, but can't recall
when facing new confusion, how it goes;
i hoped i'd learned something this time, or all,
but once again i stare down doubt, who knows
he has me firmly in his grasp. alas,
i cannot trust what i have learned thus far,
for truly i have not learned it. my past
forbids sole faith in passion--reason mars.
i wish i could put all concerns to rest,
but painful things i've lived say reason's best.

realization:

I AM AN AMALGAMATION OF ALL I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

to cut out my entire life prior to this moment [college] would be not only impractical, but impossible. i would need to delete not only half my buddy list, but most of my itunes library, a large portion of my hard drive, all my memories of anywhere-but-here. i would need to burn my journals and most of my bedroom at home. as well as a good portion of the stuff i keep with me here. many of the books i own. i can't change the way i know to feel about others based on the ways i've felt about you. there is no way to remove you--either of you--any of you. nor should i want to--

i am you.

relief

*sigh*

well...that went well.

panic

what if
what if
what if

butterflies

breaking in new shoes

rehearsing conversations for three days
still no idea what i'm going to say

peanut butter for dinner? i'm not opposed
stick to the roof of my mouth and don't let me speak

this was never supposed to be poetry

it all comes back to capture-the-moment
and someday when somebody promises me money
perhaps i will revise [perhaps i'll consider revising]

for now i can't even manage a spoken conversation; how do you expect me to handle my writing?

what if
what if
what if

the abolishment of gender
for the hatred of pronouns
(i used to love "She")

my thought is that monosexuals will not like this idea

the leaves dance in shadow on my wall
i love having a tree outside my window
blessed distraction