realization:

nothing i do is right.

definitions

i need to re-work my life plan. and possibly redefine "family," or at least my expectations of it.
should have been a nun.

"family" == any group of humans i see which includes one adult female, one adult male, and one or more children.

"family" == any group of people who love each other.

"love" == to seek and foster the good of another (as per senior year religion class).

"sleeping with" == sleeping, adjacent to. NOT having sex.

"family" == whichever group i spend the most time with.

this probably requires more lengthy prose and less mathematical analysis. i'm not sure i can give proper attention to either right now, or when i will be able to do so. in that light, here's a bunch of ideas! suggestions are welcome. maybe there will be more later.

stream-of-consciousness VI

i would love to write something really profound having to do with people and the ways they interact. and the stupidity of "sleeping with" as a euphemism for sex. but profundity is eluding me at the moment, so the best i can hope for is throwing around lots of big words, and that might not work either. why don't i have a shelf above my desk? that is upsetting. the dictionary and thesaurus are sitting on the corner of my desk and i'm going to have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, to put my school books when i get them. which ought to be soon. maybe i'll have to get another shelf to put somewhere. anyway, that came from thesaurus which came from big words which have ceased to happen. but i got "profundity" and "eluding" right next to each other. and right now i'm talking to shannon who i miss terribly but who is coming home tomorrow. strange how "home" can mean different things at the same time but it's really that one place you can never seem to find, unless you are very lucky, and i don't think i am right now. more confused than lucky. dear god. i haven't written like this in far too long. i need to remember how good it is to have a keyboard under my fingers so i can move faster than pen-and-paper and maybe come close to getting my thoughts out properly. i know i've written this before, probably many times. either way. either what way? that doesn't make sense. i need to pause and think of something to write about. end a very long paragraph. or maybe not, because then i start thinking about thinking and it goes on and on. now the window is blinking, and i will check it, and then come back to another paragraph. so.

the trouble is that i know exactly what i want, but i want it without hurting anyone. and that doesn't seem possible right now, so i'm being driven to a lack of honesty by means of purposefully neglecting to mention things...

the whole purpose of this is to be known. editing negates honesty, i think, at least in some situations. i'm sure prof. kafka would have something else to say about that, and i'd probably agree with whatever it was, which is why i was thinking about this in the first place. this exercise is to put a piece of my brain, a piece of my thinking, out into the world for other people to see, so that there is some hope that someone might witness my life, my existence....my being. if i were trying to craft something perfectly, i would come back and edit it until every word was exactly right, but right now i'm just trying to express how i think, what i feel, and sometimes the words don't come quick enough or they don't fit quite right but that's what you're thinking, and the point is not to fix it later, but to capture that moment, when you were thinking, and to make it tangible, legible.

i like anyone who will give me an entire pizza for free. yay arrival survival. yay free things!

i have nothing to do for the rest of the day and everybody else is out exploring dubiously safe areas of the city with freshmen. i would write but i did that already. i might do more. the plan was to tune guitars, and i will probably, soon. i have all day. i should pick up my books, too. hopefully they are there. and then i'll know what kind of storage i still need. bah. we'll have to run that ikea trip soon.

mostly from an email

"i love that moment when you can feel the person next to you fall asleep. and you hear their breathing change and you know, and it's kind of a safe feeling---there's nothing left for you to do but sleep, and you're in something of a protector role so you'd better be safe (especially interesting as the little spoon)---but it's also kind of alienating, to be pretty certain that you're the only person still awake. (what is it about consciousness that i find so threatening? i just spent like an hour putting off the end of a nap.) i've never really slept well in groups, although being in the same bed seems to help, but i'm always wondering if anyone else is awake and feeling like i should be asleep."


i'm so ready to get back to school, to live with the family i choose.

more fun questions

i work with small children. the other day we were eating lunch and two of the girls in the 5-8 block (one was 5, the other 7, i believe) asked me the following questions:

"can girls marry other girls?"

"if you're not married, can you have a baby before you get married?"

....

i don't like to lie. but i also want to keep my job. yay for long pauses before tiptoeing around technically true but very vague answers!

mages

Take the Role-Playing Stereotype quiz.

i usually hate things like this (although i didn't use to....), but this one just seemed too accurate.

freewriting inspiration

You were singing that song that you sang the first time i ever heard your voice, and i decided right then that i would never let you go, the way the dove never lets the sparrow go, even though i don't know exactly what that means, or if it means anything at all. and couldn't you fall? not very far, just into my arms, into love, where i could maybe show you what it means and what's between when two people know and believe. it's like hearing your voice when you're singing that song that you sang the first time that i met you, never forget you, such an overused rhyme but if it suits your time you can't neglect it. it's about so much more than making words fit together, more about the space between them where nothing needs to be said but you know exactly what you (both) mean and it rains and you sit and you listen to the nothing but the
drip

drip

drip

of the water on the pavement of the road you've driven so many times before. and what for? nothing but to get to you for that half-hour before the world ends to sleep, that necessary evil that keeps us apart every night, even when we're closer than close should be. i've never had a dream about you when you were lying next to me, like my brain knows you're already there so it doesn't have to invent you, and it could never make an improvement anyway . . . how could i say that the following day when we woke and the sun was shining like the light off a tree that came from the sun to begin with that you would still be there? it's the way you just know, like hearing your voice when you're singing that song you were singing the first time i saw you, and i could feel in my bones that "alone" was a word that i never would quite face again. but who's to say the calamity is in the solitude? we never do seem to know, even when we know, there's always that doubt and that mission you have to gain my admission that i've ignored it, but i can't force it, because doubt is as healthy as hearing your voice in the morning when the light shines off the tree like the sun itself and the bird sings that song you were singing the first time i knew you . . .

-7/2/2006

(this much was written in one shot [i.e. no pauses], but i feel like it could have been longer)