22 August 2006

stream-of-consciousness VI

i would love to write something really profound having to do with people and the ways they interact. and the stupidity of "sleeping with" as a euphemism for sex. but profundity is eluding me at the moment, so the best i can hope for is throwing around lots of big words, and that might not work either. why don't i have a shelf above my desk? that is upsetting. the dictionary and thesaurus are sitting on the corner of my desk and i'm going to have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, to put my school books when i get them. which ought to be soon. maybe i'll have to get another shelf to put somewhere. anyway, that came from thesaurus which came from big words which have ceased to happen. but i got "profundity" and "eluding" right next to each other. and right now i'm talking to shannon who i miss terribly but who is coming home tomorrow. strange how "home" can mean different things at the same time but it's really that one place you can never seem to find, unless you are very lucky, and i don't think i am right now. more confused than lucky. dear god. i haven't written like this in far too long. i need to remember how good it is to have a keyboard under my fingers so i can move faster than pen-and-paper and maybe come close to getting my thoughts out properly. i know i've written this before, probably many times. either way. either what way? that doesn't make sense. i need to pause and think of something to write about. end a very long paragraph. or maybe not, because then i start thinking about thinking and it goes on and on. now the window is blinking, and i will check it, and then come back to another paragraph. so.

the trouble is that i know exactly what i want, but i want it without hurting anyone. and that doesn't seem possible right now, so i'm being driven to a lack of honesty by means of purposefully neglecting to mention things...

the whole purpose of this is to be known. editing negates honesty, i think, at least in some situations. i'm sure prof. kafka would have something else to say about that, and i'd probably agree with whatever it was, which is why i was thinking about this in the first place. this exercise is to put a piece of my brain, a piece of my thinking, out into the world for other people to see, so that there is some hope that someone might witness my life, my existence....my being. if i were trying to craft something perfectly, i would come back and edit it until every word was exactly right, but right now i'm just trying to express how i think, what i feel, and sometimes the words don't come quick enough or they don't fit quite right but that's what you're thinking, and the point is not to fix it later, but to capture that moment, when you were thinking, and to make it tangible, legible.

i like anyone who will give me an entire pizza for free. yay arrival survival. yay free things!

i have nothing to do for the rest of the day and everybody else is out exploring dubiously safe areas of the city with freshmen. i would write but i did that already. i might do more. the plan was to tune guitars, and i will probably, soon. i have all day. i should pick up my books, too. hopefully they are there. and then i'll know what kind of storage i still need. bah. we'll have to run that ikea trip soon.

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