09 October 2017

as the flowers fade

I stopped trusting you the night you didn't make sure I was okay after I ran out of that show. My trust for you vanished, and it never came back. In that moment, I learned that your public image was more important to you than I was. In that moment, it was over.

If I surround myself with people who prioritize their vanity over my safety, it is dangerous to my mental health. I need people who will check on me when I do things that are out of character. I need people who react when I show signs of panic (like squeezing their hand under the table with all my strength). If I surround myself with people who ignore my mental health, I put myself in danger.

You apologized for me. That felt like taking the side of my abuser. No matter what role you may have played in my escape, these have been your actions most recently. For someone who preaches living in the moment, you have spent an odd amount of time encouraging me to stay in a certain past.

I don't know if I will ever be able to rebuild trust after it's broken. I don't know if I'm supposed to be able to do that.

*****

Black-eyed susans still get me.

One of the nights you helped me escape from my house, we ended up in nature, or some semblance of it. You plucked a black-eyed susan and tucked it behind my ear. For the first time I could remember, you made me feel pretty. If I am worth decorating with beautiful things, then maybe I am beautiful.

Maybe that's how I can reshape memory. Black-eyed susans can just remind me that I have beauty. They don't need to go through you to get there. But they do. The smell of them can still stop me. My heart skips. You loved me, once. I trusted you then.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I haven't always been there for you. I've learned a lot in the past few years and am actively (trying) to put that knowledge to work in my friendships now.

That said, I admire how aware you are of your thought processes and how you analyze things. Let's learn more together. <3

~B.

Anonymous said...

You have always been one of the most beautiful souls I've ever known, inside and out. Although I've been trying to put my own life back together, I want to apologize for not being there when I could have. I've written this sentence probably twenty times, hoping to get to the words that need to come out, and while I've definitely failed at that, I'm with B on a lot of these things. Our lives have thrust the three of us in far different directions, and we've turned to writing--turned inward--for healing on most occasions. That seems to have always been the preferred method, but maybe the next step requires more.

Trust is unfortunately one of those things that, once broken, is never quite the same. In some cases, though, trust can be rebuilt in ways that are improvements over what once was. In this way, I've learned to view trust not as a glass vase--as is commonly discussed--but as a Lego tower. This not only reminds me that trust can indeed be rebuilt, but that it was never "perfect" to begin with. Every relationship always has its flaws, and trying to remember the perfections of the past alone can lead to a pretty dark place. Sometimes, rebuilding trust extends beyond a single relationship. You may never be able to rebuild trust with a certain person, but the healing required in order to rebuild that particular trust is also required to ensure the health of your other relationships, present and future. I see your openness to this healing process--your willingness and even need to examine the situation from multiple angles (while still moving forward in your life)--and I know that you WILL heal. That you ARE healing.

There is no supposed to.
There just is.
----------------------------------------

Side note: I am grateful that you trust me enough to share these parts of your story--that you still consider me worthy of that trust. That speaks to one aspect of the beauty you hold as an individual.

-D