Fourth of July

Today i remembered where i was on the Fourth of July that year,
what i was doing,
who i was with,
the words that split the air in the crowded car, full of our own inexpressible emotions and thick blue music.
i remember the fireworks, the tension between us as we couldn't touch for fear that everything would break, the fear that everyone would know.
i remember sitting on the hill, the grass biting our bottoms, in boyshorts and tank tops, after a party in a house too small, too narrow, too full of life and youth and denial.
i remember the race back to the Metro, the sticky orange seats, the way our knees fell together and i barely noticed, and then i could do nothing but notice, and that tangent point became the focus of my entire being....
i remember the frustration, the desire, i remember the way she cried, i remember how that song has never meant anything else for me....
i remember the way her voice broke, the cool of her skin, the wetness of her kiss, the passionate breath, the hesitation....
we wished we could never go home
and now, four years later, all i am left with is guilt.