frustration

MINE
WON'T
DIE.

happy birthday

you don't read this anymore
because you don't want to hear from me
but i need to say it somewhere.

i'll never know if you got them--
it doesn't really matter
does it

a wrinkle in time

to Know that this is not fiction, that there are creatures who Are Love, that it is possible to be ALL LOVE . . . to Know that Renee can hear me, and that knowing what she would say is the same as being able to hear her reply (the same way i Know what God would say, even when i don't want Her to be right) . . . to Know that i have my very own Aunt Beast and a place i can always come Home to, even though i've never lived there . . . is almost overwhelming. . . . this chapter makes me want to cry, need to write, need to go on. . . . I wish [he] could see that i need him not to be accustomed to it, or at least not to treat me like i shouldn't be in awe of it . . . he could be such a great help to me, if he [were able to/would] respect where i am with it now, in light of (or in spite of) where he has been . . .

i have no idea what color i am right now . . .

--from a paper notebook

(and maybe it should have been kNow)

naming names (or initials)

sometimes it's nice to throw things out into the internet/blogosphere/intar-wubs or what-have-you with the confidence that most people will never read it and the possibility that they will....this way i'm not responsible for their recepetion.

a- you should send me emails this summer. i always wonder.

b- i think maybe i could fall in love with you more easily than with anyone else.

g- i'm still waiting for you to hear me. being in this place makes me want to be louder, and at the same time makes me know even more that it would just be a waste of time.... there are so many things i still want to say to you, but they are also all the same thing, and i've said it so many times before.

j- you feel like my only safe place.

m- this is called a "crush" because it goes away. i'm pretty happy about that.

r- i am so proud of you.

s- so i understand a little better now, but i'm still not sure why you felt that way about us. i'm not sure i want to know.

d- ..... still nothing of substance. i'll let you know. it has to do with the fact that i already grieved for this life, and i don't need to be reminded of the possibility that it could still exist. i'm sorry that you want to spend more time with me; i don't feel compelled. yes, it was nice--let's not spoil it.