firsts

tonight i experience silence for the first time in years at least, if not ever. i walked down ohara/bigelow instead of fifth ave to get home from upper campus, and somewhere between the engineering building and the newman center, the last car passed and i was struck with this suspicion that the only sound was coming from my feet on the pavement. so i stopped.....

and it was silent.

there was some far-off road noise from whereever it is that cars always are, but that was the only sound i could hear. i looked up to see if there were stars, too, but i was standing between too many streetlights. it was... profound. and overwhelming. i felt like i should have stayed in it for longer, and at the same time i was frightened by what might be hiding in it. ultimately, the fact that it was 10:00 at night and i needed to get home won the fight for largest motivation.

---

the other day i met the kid who doesn't wear shoes. i had a class with him last semester, and i see him around sometimes, and i think it's awesome that he doesn't wear shoes. i was walking back from class, and he was sitting cross-legged right in the middle of the sidewalk i was walking on. so i said, "excuse me...could i interrupt you for a minute?" and explained how i had a class with him and think it's awesome that he doesn't wear shoes and i wanted to introduce myself. and he told me his name and i told him mine and we shook hands. and i asked him why he doesn't wear shoes and he said "because i don't like them" like it was the stupidest question he'd ever heard and he probably gets it way too much and assumes people often aren't asking it when they want to.

he treated me like i was weirder than he is, which i am, but like he thought that was a bad thing. so the kid who doesn't wear shoes is not as cool as i always imagined he was. some things are better left unsaid, i guess.

jitters

i feel shaky, and i'm not sure why. i thought maybe it was because i hadn't eaten properly, but every time i listen to "tainted love" it gets worse. this is not a good sign. i kinda have to not be nervous just from hearing that song. maybe it's because of the proposition i want to make that could totally be taken the wrong way. argh....

girls are trouble.

i'm probably more interested in whatever you're doing than in whatever i'm doing right now. you probably don't read this. that's probably a good thing. if you did, would you know i was writing about you? and would that be a good thing....

people need to stop happening to me. i need to go be a hermit in the woods or something, until i figure out how to deal with people. but then, if i went to be a hermit in the woods, i wouldn't really learn how to deal with people, would i? you kind of need experience to learn how to do things.

i don't even know what to say at this point. i'm scared to say anything, to anyone, but i'm dying for conversation. we should have coffee soon. yes, you. you're the only one who reads this anyway. or maybe not coffee, since i'm jittery already. hm.

i wonder....let's see if this helps.

neat. that was a pretty color. i think. i second-guess them a lot still. (yeah...we really should talk soon.)

it seems to still be true that everything i could do would be wrong, but somehow i also know that's not true. which is reassuring and terrifying, because there's a lot more pressure that way to do [choose] the right thing.

i'm enjoying the itunes network right now. and the smiths, or at least the one song. i need to read perks again. and a wrinkle in time. and a bunch of other things i still haven't gotten around to. you told me once that your reading list should never stop growing, but what if it only grows? it doesn't do much good to have a reading list and never read anything on it....

i'm worried about a couple i know. that always sucks. it's nice to have a couple you can live vicariously through when you can't seem to keep from fucking up relationships. but when they have problems....where do you go?

i feel a little calmer now. maybe i'll try to read some of that stuff i'm supposed to be doing for class....right.

thought:

this weekend is going to be very strange, especially after everyone leaves. maybe there will be more posts.