coming out for mental health

My Valentine's Day will be the same as my one month of taking antidepressants. Let's talk about positive change.

I can think about my emotions now, something I didn't realize I'd lost the ability to do. I can think rationally about reactions as I'm having them (sometimes). I'm working on de-escalation strategies. Learning how to relax, which is far more difficult than seems fair. Working on doing one thing at a time. I'm building confidence at work and starting to take initiative when things need to be done. I'm interested in reaching out to people, and sometimes I remember to do it.

I'm starting to feel enthusiasm for things again.

This feels like the sort of thing it's important to be open about, because you never know who might need to talk about it.

2013

2013 was supposed to be our year. And it was, in many ways. 2013 was the year we became us, or started becoming us. I probably won't know which is true for a long time.

2013 started with a journey from Boston to Florida for C's top surgery. That was an incredibly powerful experience, on so many levels. I feel as if that trip was the first big life thing we did together, bigger than moving and buying furniture and getting engaged. It affirmed him, and because we did it together, it affirmed us.

In February, we got the news that we could move back to Pittsburgh. Three weeks later, in early March, we left Boston and arrived back home. It's been a rocky adjustment period, and one that I don't feel is complete. There are still occasionally days that I find myself confused to be here.

Three months after moving, in June, we got married. We had a beautiful day, surrounded by close family & friends who made sure we didn't need to worry about a thing. We had deeply spiritual moments, and deeply silly moments, and about as perfect a wedding as we could have hoped for. We finally hung the prayer flags on which our guests wrote their hopes for our marriage, and it feels empowering to have their positive energies present in our home.

I struggled during summer vacation. The lack of routine was very difficult for me, which contributed to the summer being challenging for us. When I went back to work in August, I was faced with a lot of work-related stress, which is slowly starting to improve as I get more comfortable with my role and my caseload.

At the beginning of December, my best friend died in a car crash. 2013 ended in the most acute grief I have ever experienced. It's been interesting to learn through the experience of grief. What a strange thing human emotions are.

I spent much of 2013 in a relatively dark place. We have experienced a lot of change, and a lot of big changes, in the past year, and I have not adjusted well to most of them. I'm trying to find resolve to make 2014 so much better.

coming home

so we're back in pittsburgh.

that was really just a matter of time. it ended up happening much more quickly than we anticipated. we had been talking about moving back to pittsburgh in a year or two, if the right opportunity presented itself (and maybe if one didn't). i got a call mid-february about a potential job in a place i did an internship in grad school, and three weeks later we were here. it took us one week to find and move into a new place, and i started work two days later. that was two weeks ago.

boston sent us off with a raging blizzard. exactly the goodbye we would have expected.


i'm not going to pretend that i've been able to process everything that's happening. i don't think it's likely to happen while i'm writing this post. we are home, surrounded by family. that's really all that matters.

observations

this february was an especially short month.

2013: already bigger than expected.

reminder:

everything only ever happens very quickly.

2012/2013

opened up the laptop for the first time in months. all of january went by without a blog post. priorities shift.

i haven't written any sort of a reflection on 2012. the beginning of 2013 just held so much.  

2012 was the first year i spent on a calendar year instead of an academic one. the academic year still held sway in my life, but i didn't get three months off work and i had students for the entire month of july. i worked in the same position at the same job from january through december. we moved to a new apartment in august. we adopted a cat in september. changes happened. maybe one of the biggest is that i started to really think of us as "we." 

when we moved into our first apartment together, it was filled with my things and his things. now that we are in our second home, it is filled with our things. it just feels perfectly natural. more things are shared than are not. 

2013 is our year.  we have already made one tremendous journey together--not only to a different part of the country, but through top surgery. i didn't even know it was possible to feel this happy for another person. i feel so blessed to see him recognize himself. i am honored to be the partner he chose to see him through this. i have learned so much through this process already about what it means to be his partner, and we are continuing to learn.

i feel a shift in my life. i like the direction i am moving.

post-christmas

i haven't been writing enough lately. but when am i ever?

christmas 2012 in two words: bacon ham.

C decorating for the holiday was the cutest thing ever. our home is covered in greenery, candles, and sparkly things.

strange to hear people moving about in the apartment

the dining room suddenly became a center for gathering and conversation

wine, godspell, and apples to apples

waking up early enough to see the snow that fell for about an hour...technically a white christmas!

giving a few very well-received gifts...a privilege i appreciate more and more as i get older

the relief of having our home back to myself and my partner...we love my family, especially in small doses. privacy is a blessing. (curious to see how my opinions change as we grow out of the "newlywed" phase)

looking forward to the new year...2013 is going to be big!