thought:

sometimes i think i would like to see video of myself walking, from behind. i'm curious how i would interpret my own gender.

on healing

last week, i bought my first journal with lined pages in almost 2 years. i have written every day that i've had time by myself. much of it has been unadulterated scrawl that has gone on for pages. or, exactly what i needed. the unlined escape from chronology was a worthwhile experiment, and a lesson i'll be able to apply to future projects. but sometimes, i just need to put the date at the top of the page and write my thoughts down in order, no matter how incoherent. we need to move before we visit my parents again, so i can bring back all my old journals and make them an appropriate home. suggestions welcome. C offered to donate his cedar chest to the cause; i don't know if i could ever accept such a gift. but they could never be better protected.

thoughts on Boston Pride

underwhelming and overexpensive.
tons of people, but no family.
the biggest rainbow flag i've ever seen.
a general lack of mostly-naked dancing boys.

non-gay-appearing profiteers trying to sell rainbow accessories at exorbitant prices. $5 for a flag? i'm sorry, you don't sell rainbow flags at pride. you give them away.

ALL the politicians had a contingent. and they all showed up in person. Mayor Menino led the parade (behind the Dykes on Bikes--none of whose signs said "Dykes on Bikes." they all had much more politically correct and less interesting club names.) Elizabeth Warren waved at us specifically! i wish i could have figured out what she said. i'm very excited to vote for her in November.

many, many queer families with children and/or dogs.
straight observers. confused Asian tourists.
PFLAGers and free-huggers.
more UU congregations than i've ever seen in a single metropolitan area.

the moment after i saw one sign that said "I <3 TRANS PEOPLE" when i noticed the sea of identical signs a few paces behind it. looked at C and both our hearts melted.

a friend described the scene overall as "less outlandish" than Pittsburgh Pride. the theory is that since being queer generally is much more widely accepted in Boston, it's less necessary to go out of the way to make a statement.

neighbors

in Allston, i am on nodding terms with all the men i see sitting on stoops in the afternoon. we are beginning to move into speaking terms, entire sentences exchanged: "i like your haircut! could be better though."

"how are you today?"
"good, 'nyuhself?"

i never used to appreciate the "how are you" ritual, and i still don't in a lot of circumstances. i don't believe that words are worth exchanging without meaning. if you don't care how someone is that day, why would you ask? but now, it means something to me that these older black and latino men--these men who recognize the worth of words enough to withhold them--recognize me, a tiny white woman with a shaved head, enough to ask and to answer.

one saw me walking to the beer store on memorial day weekend, and we exchanged smiles and glances. then he saw me walking back from the beer store, with a 12-pack under one arm and a black plastic bag in the other, and he called out, "now i know why you're so happy!"
i smiled back and told him, "it's gonna be a good weekend!"
and it was.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Using the Sidewalk

1) Stay to the right whenever possible--just like driving.
2) If you are walking faster than someone in front of you, it is ok to pass them on the left, as long as it's safe--just like driving!
3) If you are walking in a group, it's ok to walk next to each other, but leave room for others to get by. If you see someone(s) approaching from the opposite direction, fall into single file.
4) Maintain awareness of who is around you. That includes people behind you who may want to pass you.
5) If you are riding a bicycle, it belongs in the street. If you are not comfortable riding your bike in the street, leave it at home.
6) If you are responsible for children, keep them close to you and teach them these rules.
7) Avoid sudden stops whenever possible.
8) Only text while walking if you can keep your eyes forward, your pace constant, and your path straight.
9) Nobody is capable of meeting the criteria for #8.

question:

can i be a femme of the old school without ever having attended the old school?

on late blooming

a friend described herself last night as "a late-blooming introvert," with which i identified completely. i have only recently come to this understanding of myself as an introvert and embracing of the label. it's not that i don't like people, or that i want to be by myself all the time; it's that i find my strongest energy within myself, not in others.

for a very long time, i tried to behave like an extrovert, because i felt that was what was expected of me. apparently, i learned to play the role well. but even when i mustered up the most out-goingness--or, more realistically, built close enough connections with people that i felt comfortable being my authentic self with them--i have always needed to return to myself to re-center. i have to be comfortable with myself before i can spend the energy on social interactions.

i'm going through a pretty extended process of re-centering right now. i spend a lot of time by myself, and sometimes i feel kind of funny about that. but i appreciate the opportunity to get to know myself and adjust to what my life has become (and is becoming).

i suspect that a lot of introverts feel a lot of guilt about being introverts, and try to take to heart all the lessons we're taught about the need to be outgoing and make friends and (shudder) network. i want to build my own personal network at my own pace and take the time to get to know people. i'm shy, and i want to be reached out to before i introduce myself. sometimes that takes time. it doesn't mean i don't want to do it, it just means that it's hard for me, so i want to be able to choose when and how i approach people.

it takes time to recognize and understand your own thought processes, habits, and ways of relating to the world. i think that introverts are uniquely prepared to relate to other people, because they are more likely to know how they relate to themselves. these kinds of lessons are valuable.

i highly recommend Susan Cain's TED talk "the power of introverts." if you need to feel empowered by your introversion/shyness/need for solitude, watching this is a good way to do it.
http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
(thank you B =) )