The problem with the Internet

The entire wealth of human knowledge is available at my fingertips, and I'm bored with everything.

superstition

i lit my candles tonight like a good Catholic girl should. let's hope prayers go somewhere.

advice for young travelers

move to an unfamiliar city. 

get lost and then get found. 

experience as many things as you possibly can. 

be cautious, but don't be afraid. 

look people in the eye. 

always walk tall. 

have fun.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Using the Sidewalk

1) Stay to the right whenever possible--just like driving.
2) If you are walking faster than someone in front of you, it is ok to pass them on the left, as long as it's safe--just like driving!
3) If you are walking in a group, it's ok to walk next to each other, but leave room for others to get by. If you see someone(s) approaching from the opposite direction, fall into single file.
4) Maintain awareness of who is around you. That includes people behind you who may want to pass you.
5) If you are riding a bicycle, it belongs in the street. If you are not comfortable riding your bike in the street, leave it at home.
6) If you are responsible for children, keep them close to you and teach them these rules.
7) Avoid sudden stops whenever possible.
8) Only text while walking if you can keep your eyes forward, your pace constant, and your path straight.
9) Nobody is capable of meeting the criteria for #8.

the inevitable key change

my very first bass guitar is about to find a home with somebody else. i just opened the case for the first time in a couple of years and got hit full in the face with high school. yes, i think it's time for that to stop happening.

it's still a beautiful bass, though. and i still love it as much as i did the first time i held it in my hands. it's weird to think that there are very important people in my life now who have never known that part of me, who never will know that part of me.

i was a pretty bitchin' bass player, on occasion.

full circle

"everlong" just meant something brand new all over again.

on long goodbyes

Fact: all the non-skinny girl jeans i wear are hand-me-downs (stolen) from transmen.

i probably ought to buy a pair of pants that are mine. i just hate shopping for pants. pants-shopping in this country has been designed to make women hate themselves. measure in inches and stop changing what my size means!

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every day should be a good day. if you're not having a good day, you should ask yourself, "why not?" and then see what you can do to change it.
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i am having a longer than usual series of very good days. (oh no, has my inner drama queen been sated? heavens forfend!)

i finished the last step with the IRB to close my Pitt undergrad thesis research. that seems like a longer time ago than it was.

your past is your past, and it is always going to be your past. you may not find closure, because closure may not be real. closure is very rare, at best.

i feel the need to contend with specific parts of my past, because i feel that i'm about to begin a substantially different chapter in my life. part of the hard lesson i'm learning is that sometimes, the way to deal with your past is to let it remain your past--and not to keep bringing it back into your present.

this blog chronicles almost my entire time in pittsburgh. if i happen to close it soon, or ever, please know that it wasn't because i don't love anyone still reading it or because i don't want to remember that time. rest assured i will still be reading it as my own history.

we are all by which we have been touched.

Service

yesterday, i gave up my seat on the train to an older woman who looked like she would appreciate it, even if she was perfectly capable of standing until we reached her stop. she accepted it with grace and gratitude, and reached out for me when the train started to move again as i stood up.

later on, while i was walking with a friend, a man held the door open for us at the Chanel store, even though i was wearing a college hoodie and ratty jeans. inside, it smelled like money and stale perfume. it was the first time i've seen a price tag with four digits before the decimal point. my friend touched a few things, but i was afraid my fingers would leave smudges of the middle class on everything and i'd be scolded fiercely and told to get out by the salespeople who knew their commission didn't rest with us.

when we left, the doorman winked at me as he warmly told us to have a nice day, as if to tell me that he knows it's just nice to look at pretty things sometimes.

catharsis

it's amazing what can become important instead of homework or sleep. i'm going through almost a year's worth of locked text messages, getting ready to get rid of a defective phone. this is what i should have been doing at New Year's.

brain

i had the dream about being late again.

to be more precise, i had the dream about getting ready forever and never getting where you're going again. then i woke up early and anxious.

i think the frequency with which this happens to me says something unsettling about my mental health.

requiem

goodbye, August. i hardly knew you.
it was nice to meet you, albeit briefly. i'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together.

time changes everything

it's finally August.

isn't this what i've been waiting all summer for?

obligatory "it's been a week" post

finals week.

biting my tongue

1) the healthcare reform bill is not going to prevent you from getting your knees fixed, or make you wait an extra 10 years for it to happen. you can still keep whatever insurance you already have and still follow whatever rules it makes up for you.

2) while i agree with you that a gluten-free diet serves little purpose (except for those who have a gluten allergy) and especially that it does not cure autism, that's not a good enough reason to feed your grandson whatever he wants when he's at your house just because he asks for it.

3) the "dumbing down" of American education has quite a bit to do with No Child Left Behind, which is a piece of legislation that was put into place under President Bush. if you want to talk about how stupid THAT made a generation of American kids, feel free. President Obama's education legislation is attempting to FIX all the stuff NCLB fucked up.

4) maybe--just maybe--student loan forgiveness is a good thing because it will encourage those few smart kids who weren't utterly fucked over by NCLB but who couldn't afford college otherwise to actually get a meaningful education, beyond where public schools abandoned them.

5) HIS name is DYLAN.

it's been a week

and i hate going a whole week without posting anything. february is a short enough month.

time is a myth. it's something humans made up a story about in the hopes it would make more sense. unfortunately, it's not one of those convenient myths that actually helps anyone. now it's one of those residual undying myths that's so entrenched in the culture it won't go away even though it does more harm than good in most cases.

(subtext: i'm supposed to be way busier than i have been. somehow it's almost midterm already.)

rant, abridged

it's amazing what being employed by a university can do to your willingness to say things on the internet. i'm so fucking pissed right now i don't even know what to write.
this game is getting really old.

mirror image

i did get to see the girl in my parents' bathroom mirror last weekend. she looked different, for the first time i can remember. she looked....grown up, in a way. and maybe it was the context; maybe it was who else was in the mirror. she looked like the woman i always wanted to grow up to become.

Mole Day

a year ago i was having a beautifully awkward conversation on the Cathedral lawn and dancing on tables during Rent.
this morning i woke up next to a person i love more than i knew i could.
that's certainly something, isn't it?

Updates, or something

so it's the saturday after the week after (most) classes ended for the summer, and it's my last day of work at the library, and there is virtually nobody here except the occasional grad student returning their books, and i feel like i should be writing something. i like to keep my blog posts to short, snippy, interesting-for-their-vaguery-or-their-conciseness bits, but what i really want to write is a long, drawn-out, self-indulgent-blogger Update On Things That Have Been Happening To Me. in short, a livejournal entry ;)

that said, i'm struck by concerns that "i passed out in the shower this morning. it's ok, she caught me" is not internet-appropriate.

we've been learning a lot these last few weeks. i've been learning a lot, i mean. i'm sure multiple people have been as well. it's the sort of learning that is hard to write about, learning about what family means and how the universe works and why people are the way they are. i'm still trying to figure that one out, actually.

i'm wearing my cock boxers! it's gonna be a good day.

i went to a rave a few weeks ago. it was an amazing experience. so much of the world opened up to me. people were free to be and do whatever they are and do, and it's so totally relaxing. it's a relief, really, to not have to worry about putting on a front of any kind, and just Be Yourself. do whatever you are meant to do, whatever makes you comfortable. the atmosphere of unconditional love and respect is a brilliant lesson in What Life Could Be. (i just read the tao of pooh again and i am all about Unexpected Capitalization.)

there's a lot of time happening between these paragraphs. i'm distracted. i'm chatting with steph in another window, and we have always been the best at bouncing ideas off each other. sometimes we are the voice for each other's ideas, as she put it recently.

then there was her 21st birthday, which was just as much of a shitshow as i expected it to be.....i don't know what i'd do without her roommates; that would have been a good deal messier than it was. and i feel bad about some of the things that happened, and my role in contributing to them, but at the same time, god was that walk funny.

i'm having a hard time believing that it's almost halfway through august already, as far as the time i have left to do stupid things without it impacting my real life. this summer has been a much-needed break, and i hope i'll be ready to think seriously again when school starts up. then again, i'm not entirely sure what "thinking seriously" will entail anymore. it might be different now.

on saturation

it's strange to find our limits.
but it's good to recognize that humans have them.
we are finite beings.