praying

His partner after me reached out to me last night.

We had a few exchanges that ended after

I told them, "Trust yourself."

I hope it was what they needed to hear.

 

The whole time,

I remembered sitting on the floor

in the spare bedroom, back against the door,

listening to him scream on the other side

and waiting for him to give up,

texting one, two, three people

trying to make sure that I was sane and this was wrong.

 

That was the day I finally realized,

I deserve better.

It still took me three days to leave.

You got this.

You deserve better.

You know exactly what's happening.

Trust yourself.

week 4

this week is better.

the seminar that shook me up last week was much less stressful. instead of discussing research and current practices in ways that made me feel defensive about what i've been doing clinically for the last 7 years, we talked about the peer review process and what it's like to participate. from all sides. the assignment was a mock review of an article we all agreed had unfortunately been accepted.

this week, I step more deeply into two big projects! one is part of the same seminar, where I'm working with a classmate, and the other is with my advisor. it was so exciting to see the lightbulbs going on over each of our heads in turn when we discussed the direction we are developing.

I get to spend time reading and writing about things that interest me!

oh, and i'm pretty sure i passed my first statistics exam.

week 3

today was my day.
the day everyone told me was coming.
the first two weeks of my phd program were great.
i felt like i had a handle on things,
which of course made me feel a sense of impending doom.

today was my day
to wonder,
what the fuck have i gotten myself into?
why would anyone do this?

the theme today was
All the Science is Bad,
And We Know Nothing!!!
tearing apart the knowledge i thought i had.

critical analysis.

why would anyone do this?

why am i signing up to be
a Researcher,
to publish papers I think are great
for other people to tear apart?

what have i gotten myself into.
 

I am going to do my best,
and I am going to do it
with my whole self.