on or about the 5th anniversary of my wedding

spending the weekend in my parents' house.
i almost pulled out the computer at 12:30 a.m. when i couldn't sleep,
thinking of you.
i want to pour a work-in-progress, stream-of-consciousness mess
into this text field
and let it simmer,
let it throw steam until it burns to the pan,
that kind of sticky damage that can never be undone,
no matter how you soak, how you scrub.

there is too much i could want to say.
the echo of my younger voice
is screaming against my realization that
more often than not,
my comment does not matter.
my voice is not necessary.

but sometimes it is.

sometimes it is,
and i have been shamed into silence
 by those who should know better.
by "advocates."
by "friends."

i tried to save her.
i am still trying to save her.
but how can you rescue
someone whose mind has been poisoned against you?
i remember that, too.

save roux.

save the one after, and the one after, and the one after me.

all i want
is to make the world a better place.
lock him up,
take the alcohol from his veins
and fix the serotonin in his brain,
and any of the other chemicals
whose pathways have been overgrown.
take the monster out of him.
he is just a human being...
isn't he?

in spite of it all, love.
compassion?

i grapple with a question of "choice."
what does it mean to choose behavior?
when are we capable?
what does it mean when we act without capably choosing our behavior?
how long ago did it stop becoming a choice?
when one no longer knows the truth, one can't help lying.


love is big,
and much bigger than my misled affection.
my love needs to know,

How can I warn every woman, everywhere?
How can I tell them, Don't!
If You See This Man, Run.
Don't let him charm you.
regardless of gender, regardless of age,
he is still the same.

some people do not change.

moving (stream-of-consciousness xvii)

i'm moving out of Pittsburgh.

it's time for some serious writing. let's start with the basics.
we got bored with sitting around waiting for something happen, so we decided to make something happen. we knew it was pending, but i am only motivated by deadlines. we are leaving Pittsburgh on the 24th. of July.

today is the 6th.

we made this decision a little more than a week ago, and the time since has been a clutter of packing and deciding, planning and organizing. i reserved the UPack Relo-cubes (what a great idea!); we are contacting friends and family and making plans for sleeping space. most of the details are down, but there are still a couple fuzzy dates. i don't know when we'll make it to Boston.

oh, did i skip that part?

we're moving to Boston, following an Epic Road Trip.
leg #1: drive to my parents' house to drop off my car. we're only keeping one. it's his Jeep; that's why i'm learning to drive stick shift.
leg #2: go to Vermont to visit my dad's parents. staying at camp. loving the lake.
leg #3: go to Long Island to visit my mom's family. interesting house.
leg #4: going to NEPA for an old friend's wedding. interesting thoughts.
leg #5: camping!
leg #6: going to NYC to visit an old friend of his, then
leg #7: to family in New Hampshire. this is the last stop before
leg #8: eventually, probably, crashing with friends who are moving into an apartment in Boston on Aug 1, but not until their lease begins and not for more than 2 weeks. i'm hoping to find a place to live that won't result in my needing to crash for longer than that...i have multiple sets of people willing to house us, but would like to be independent rather than an imposition.

it's going to be an adventure. i'm excited and nervous. i don't have a job. i don't have a place to live. bunch of places to stay, but no place to live. it's going to be awesome.

i'm going to have to make my peace with this city, this place that raised me, that made me grow up. i didn't live here through my childhood, and i'm thankful for that. i don't think i ever would have grown up there. i've learned a lot in the last 6 years and i'm ready to move on. it's time.

it occurs to me that i should be glad i have the luxury. [i know i'm spoiled.]

i rode in the backseats of the cars of people i trust this weekend, up and down Mt. Washington twice, and every view of the city was beautiful. they do it right when they really want to. the sky filled with smoke from the 4th of July fireworks, glowing like a night when everything's perfect and the clouds want to smother you in it so you don't have to go. it was yellow and red and awesome. the fireworks were the smallest part of my night, really, due to timing beyond my control. time is tricky like that.

i haven't been writing as much as i'd like lately, but when isn't that true. i'm working on it. i think i'll get there. this concept of "free time" is strange and foreign.

domesticity (stream-of-consciousness xvi)

i was left home alone by myself for the first time in weeks, it seems like, with instructions to "take some time, write a little bit, listen to music, whatever you need to do; take some medicine, and go to bed." he'll be back late; it's nice to get a break from being a drag wife. much as i might like to go protect him from the creepy gay men at this particular bar. at least they pay well.

yup, that's my life.

i rather like this idea of having a partner. someone to do things with, someone to team up with. and damn do we make a good team. the 160 or so jello shots in the refrigerator next door will attest to that.

i'm thinking about breaking out the guitar. interesting how certain things maintain their shyness.

writing has always been my anchor, and it's important [for me] to remember that. it's amazing to see him recognize that, even though the times i've mentioned it to him have been few. for a while, it seemed that he filled the space i became used to filling with writing--at the end of the day there was another person there, to debrief with, to break things down. spoken reflection. and this is still something i value. there are words floating around in my head like "novelty" and "impermanence," "self" and "other." it's not that writing or speaking becomes more or less valuable; i don't need a written record of my thoughts or actions. ink fades and paper decomposes, just like my body will someday waste. i am dirt, just waiting to forget this notion of consciousness, of humanity.

blogging is stupid, really. i have a thought, and pow, it's shared. this illusion of permanence, when really it's just code, saved and accessed on a server i do not control. i give myself over to whatever gods govern the Internet, what will someday become the hive mind when we evolve into robots (i'm convinced).

this is what happens when i go without, for too long. words pour.

i've started writing on paper again, but as soon as i start, something happens to break the habit. three days, it always takes. sometimes longer, depending on the strength of the habit.

i read something earlier today, glanced at, really, a debate on slate about the use of two spaces after a period. i'm fighting with it. i type two spaces usually because when i was a child i was taught to use the space of two fingers when writing with fat pencils on dotted lines, blue on the outside and red in the middle, to show just how far your t should go, your l or your j beneath. one finger between words and two between sentences. it carried over. i never thought about the typographical reasons why something might be different. my handwriting isn't the same, either.

god forbid, those unrefined mashes of meticulous print, a's without caps on and y's without boats, all straight lines and circles drawn in ways that made the left-handers cramp--i considered myself lucky.

revision has its place. i am slow in learning this.

stream-of-consciousness xv

so here i am with an hour or so to kill, because i woke up way earlier than i needed to, and i shouldn't go back to bed, i've already had coffee, but i don't want to read my homework. nor am i awake enough to do so yet. i'm sure there's something that needs writing--i can think of at least one thing for school, but none of that interests me. personal life is infinitely more interesting right now.

i'm dreading the G20. i just want everyone to go home. any sane resident of Pittsburgh knows that despite whatever "international attention" this may bring to the city, it's just going to be a pain in the ass for the normal people who actually live here and are just trying to go about their lives. i'm sorry, but i can't get behind the protestors because i don't believe they are going to accomplish anything except creating a huge headache for as many people as possible. that said, i also can't get behind the conference, because i don't believe it will accomplish anything either. dinner at Phipps Conservatory? yes, let's get together "important" people from all over the world and show them a bunch of pretty plants that DON'T GROW NATURALLY IN THE U.S.

maybe i'm just cranky because i'm awake.

anyway, i'm done with all non-apartment related obligations at 11:00 AM on thursday, and i've been saying only somewhat jokingly that my plan is to lock myself in. i'm sure i'll get out at least a little bit thursday and friday....i haven't decided why or how yet.

i really need groceries. i ran out of bread. that's when you know the situation is really dire. and really, it's just that i haven't had time to go to the store. i did pick up a loaf of bread, but nothing else.

how much ethernet cable do i have, anyway? i want to move over there....

the answer is, more than enough.

and of course, none of this is the "infinitely more interesting" stuff i want to be writing about. but that's all been written in more appropriate places for the one person who needs to read it.

i can't wait until i have wednesdays off like i'm supposed to. it hasn't happened yet. graduate school, so far, appears to be an exercise in "go where they tell you to go when they tell you to go there. no questions, no complaints." there are parts of town i'd rather be headed into this morning.

i suppose i shouldn't say "that's all been written," because i'm sure there's more to it. there will always be more to it. but for now, nothing seems urgent to communicate, or to purge from my brain via pen. that happens sometimes....i can't count the number of times i've had to Write, my pen almost unable to keep up with the words flowing through it, until everything was completely exhausted--and inevitably, the last thing that comes is something i needed to get to, something i hadn't realized was so important. it's therapeutic. it really is. and i think that's what i mean when i call myself a writer. i need to do it. i would lose my mind if i didn't.

maybe that's the way we know how to label ourselves. what about you would cause you to lose your mind if you didn't have it?

stream-of-consciousness xiv

i don't really write these here anymore, because i feel it no longer suits what i want this blog to be. but i'm at work on a saturday morning, mildly hungover, and realizing that when i was putting things in a bag yesterday i forgot not only socks, but also anything to do at work. and i have nothing to write in.

i think i've come to this shift from my own house once this semester.

this isn't really stream of consciousness. i'm thinking too much.

i haven't written more than a line or two in my paper journal in the past several days--i've been too busy living to take the time to write it down. the last time i did get to write there, one of the things i jotted down was along the lines of, "writing here is similar to sleeping: the day can't be completed or resolved until i do." which sometimes makes for interesting weekends....

don't get me wrong. i've slept.
perhaps not as much as i should, but i feel rested.

my internal radio is particularly interesting this morning. actually....i'm not sure if that's true. but i'm amused by it. woke up with "devil in jersey city" which eventually became "i kissed a boy" and it's going back and forth between the two....just started playing the intro to "porch songs" which is one of chris pureka's only two happy songs....i wonder if that will play through.

"haven't you ever wondered?"
"no, never"
"you just haven't met the right one yet"

so many times during that dinner i had to just smile to myself and try so hard not to laugh out loud.

the Vagina Monologues will need their own entry.
but not yet.
Briana's coming tonight! i'm excited.
every night, there's one person in the audience. funny how that works.

i want to write a response to that comment on "storytelling, part 2," but i think that will merit its own entry too. some good questions in that one. and i'm definitely not done with the storytelling sequence, but it will be of unpredictable length. i'd like it to continue all year, if not longer.

now i've forgotten the rest of the things i wanted to write down....or i'm trying too hard to censor. it shouldn't be hard to tell. i should be working on something, i'm sure, but i have a hard time with that....i want to go home and go back to sleep. wasn't that last saturday, too? that didn't end too well. i ended up blowing off the whole day. my little eventually supplied enough force to overcome my inertia and we went to the waterfront, got the almost-last couple of things for my outfit. (the very last came during a solitary excursion to the south side on monday. sometimes i like wandering this city by myself. need to get to the strip district again soon. here's that stream-of-consciousness we were talking about.)

what i really want to write about....this is bad. see, it's all i've talked about for the last....weeks? i don't know. there are the people who are getting annoyed with me, the people who are living vicariously through me, and the people who won't admit they're getting annoyed with me. and then there's the entire cast of the monologues: "so how are things with that girl??" and i smile and say "i don't know!"

or when i'm walking with my roommate and we're talking and i say something and then i pause and at the exact same moment i say "i'm in trouble" and he says "you're screwed"....

and i write this because i want you to read it, and i know you will read it, but i don't want to take responsibility for it. so i stop before saying the things i actually want to say, because that might change things. and this, i do not want to do. (gah, yoda-speak. coming from where? stupid brain. it causes me all sorts of problems. thinking too much and not thinking enough.)

i said a lot of stupid things last night, and i'm sorry for some of them.

scream loud....scream sayonara.

stream-of-consciousness XIII

it's one a.m.

it's been a week, so i have to post something, right?

she read it =)

i started writing a sonnet today, but i didn't finish it in time, and nothing rhymes with the words i want to use. also i don't know if i'll have the same motivation to write it now. things seem much less....dramatic? that's not the right word. "hurty" comes to mind.

new mix tape will be posted after you tell me you've listened to it.

i ought to be asleep. roommate things. lease things. nonsense. drama. words.

see? sometimes silence is best.

this belongs to a paper journal, but i can't get there from here....i can't reach it. i ought to be asleep. at least i finished my homework....i think. i hope. it better be done. and it better be better than the last one.....why is it the class i'm most interested in is the one i'm doing worst in? i'm lazy. the end. i could write a more eloquent explanation but it would probably all be a bunch of bullshit.

does this even have a place being published? (does that even make sense?) honestly, what is artistic about stream-of-consciousness? unless you're talking about something like James Joyce, but that was constructed; it was made to look like stream-of-consciousness but it wasn't just the discharge of someone's brain. he tried to make it look like that.

i've never actually read any Joyce.

stream-of-consciousness xii

i feel like i have had any time or energy to do any substantial writing lately....most of the writing i have been able to do has either been for class or writing down the crazy dreams i've been having....there were three nights in a row, then one night of nothing, and i had another weird dream last night but i don't remember what happened....i remember mentioning a piece of it to someone but i can't remember what i said.

dreams are silly.

i don't actually believe that.

i'm always curious about interpretations, but i never feel like i can put too much stock in books or websites or other people....sometimes other people, but it depends on the person and how well they know me....

i keep being pleasantly surprised by the sunset when i turn around

there's a window behind me and i can see outside

flying at night was a cool experience. the moon followed me the whole way. and i swear i saw "hi god" written in the pattern of streetlights in one neighborhood close to baltimore.

still no computer. working on that. not in earnest. if the semester ends and i still have no hard drive, i will begin to work in earnest. because i must have my own computer for next semester. not that next semester will be substantially different from this one as far as courseload, at least i can't imagine it would, but .....it's just a convenience really. i'm learning that i don't actually need my own computer. except for in that way where "need" means "could really really use, and want badly."

the problem with not having time or energy to write is that inevitably, whenever you get the chance, you're so drained that you have nothing to say anyway.

stream-of-consciousness xi

procrastination

something about how this is words for the sake of words, and why is that necessary. i wish i had something more profound to say. i wish i had something to say. but if i have nothing to say, why am i writing? and why do i not write when i do have something to say? sometimes. that's what the last realization was about, for anyone who was wondering: but i don't want to elaborate because it would defeat the purpose. and here i go, defeating the purpose.

whenever i think about studying, all i want to do is sleep. actually it's quite often that all i want to do is sleep.

dave & busters today was fun. i think. it was not un-fun. i can't really take too much of shiny blinky places like that--they're too loud. and the sort of people i want to spend time with are not usually there. but it was kinda fun. i like coming out accidentally through the use of pronouns. i like it even better when i do it and then someone else at the table does, too. that was pretty awesome. and quite unexpected. because she hesitated when she caught that i had done it, and then later when we were alone she did the same. (because i thought she hesitated when...)

i should be studying. i want to take a nap. what is stream-of-consciousness anyway.....i don't think it actually happens. oh james joyce.....i wish i had the time and patience to read your work. ben. the firings of neurons.....myelin.

enough of this nonsense. let's post entries that are diametrically opposed to each other.

stream-of-consciousness x

i am semi-inadvertently finishing the box of reduced-sugar cinnamon toast crunch that my roommate bought when she was stoned and didn't realize they were reduced-sugar.

today i met a girl on the bus who struck up a conversation with me when the two boys she was with (one her brother, one her ex) went up to go harass the bus driver and some other passengers. they are going to be famous rap musicians someday. i gave her my screen name and told her i don't have a cell phone number. i don't expect to hear from her ever.

it's funny how sometimes the people you think you want to see the most make you realize how far away you want to be from where they are. not because they're there, just because they're connected to other things you want to be far away from. or maybe from things you don't want to be far away from but need to be, for some reason, and they just remind you more of how much you wish you could be there. this is probably one of those instances where it would help more to be less vague.

i hesitate to call this "stream-of-consciousness" because i keep taking big pauses to eat more cinnamon toast crunch, and i think a lot without writing.

on thursday night i participated in a mix cd exchange, and i'm listening now to the one i picked up, and it is pretty good. i don't know any of the songs on it.

my proudest moment this week was when i told somebody i respect about something i want to try to do but don't think i'm good enough for (yet), and he looked me in the eye and said "you should"

....that occurs a lot in my personal writing, saying someone "looked me in the eye" as they said something. it is very significant to me....it means a lot. eye contact is a powerful thing, especially between certain pairs of people and at certain moments.

the pile of cinnamon sugar in the bottom of the bag is a picture i don't yet have an adjective for.

is it bad that it's been [a day and a half and] one night without you, and i miss you already?
i put another haiku on the magnetic poetry board

i haven't had to listen to "nights in white satin" on the way to class at all this week. i had been doing that pretty much every day....it's an amazing song. i told my roommate, "it's a strange moment when you realize that your parents listen to really good music." she didn't seem to have ever had a similar moment.

this week is going to be very long. i'll probably reach the end of it faster than i expect to. would anyone like to lend me a black or blue-metallic tie? or a pair of suspenders?

stream-of-consciousness ix

maybe this is what i should have been doing last night instead of writing an email. although that turned out really well.

i'm in that terrible place for a writer of knowing i have something to say but having no idea what it is or how to get to it. there are words that want to come pouring out of me, and i don't know how to tap them, and they won't come to me without being summoned. it's frustrating. there is something bubbling up in me that i can't identify or stop or start. not being able to start it is the bigger problem, i think.

words words words words words.....and the occasional typo; whatever......just, something, please.....

maybe this feeling of something needing to burst out of me is what they call "love." i hesitate. i need to. i hate that word; i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards. actually i don't hate the rewards; those are pretty nice. but it fit.

too soon to say. way too soon to say.

i no longer like rhyming. unless it's a sonnet or something else that's supposed to rhyme. i like those flowing run-ons that sounds like water and make me want to go play in the forest. i hate its connotations and its risks and its so-seldom rewards.

and where did you go?.....

(needy much?)

wtf.....pandora amuses me.

i feel better tonight, but i've still got a way to go until i'm totally better. i hurt less.
*music plays*
medicine is still my friend, maybe. i didn't think that earlier.

and here the words stall. god dammit!

my past is finally behind me. what does that mean? what should it mean? is there a should? particularly in this case.....

"love" can mean way too many things. "in love" can mean substantially fewer. maybe i should be more specific about risks and connotations and too-soons.

today i read alice's adventures in wonderland again. had i ever read it all the way through? i wasn't sure. i'm hungry. that's a problem. i don't feel like....eh, y'know. laziness rules all. it's after 11:30 at night and i don't need to be eating anything anyway. i want nachos.....oh, god, but i miss nachos. where is shannon?

my life!!!!

songs that used to be sad are not sad anymore.

i want to be happy! i AM happy!! is this allowed?.....

i think i am starting to grow up.....and that thought scares the shit out of me.

"when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know. so follow the leader down, and swallow your pride and drown. when there's no place left to go.....maybe that's when you will know."

sooner or later, stream-of-consciousness has to end. and whether anything has come of it....remains to be seen? no, i don't like that phrase. there's another one i want. what is it. (and) whether anything has come of it, doesn't matter. regardless of whether anything has come of it. bah.

i am so much more than i expected to be. am i what i expected to be?

tonight i read a bunch of old letters i wrote and never sent, in middle school. i found one i wrote to myself when i was 13, asking if i was making the right choice about high school and telling me i should get in touch with a couple of my old friends. and it was funny; i wrote then about needing to write and feeling like the only way to deal with these frustrations was to write, and i wrote that i hoped i would still understand, because otherwise a lot of time when i was young would have been a waste. i guess i wasn't kidding when i said i'd never forget what it was like to be that age, at least parts of it. funny how i can be a grown-up in some ways and still so much like myself as a child in others. i don't think the need to write is something i'll ever want to grow out of.

i feel not quite satisfied; i think there's a story hiding here somewhere. but that seems like a good place to stop.

stream-of-consciousness viii

i am hating itunes and my ipod right now. i had to wipe my ipod because it wouldn't talk to my computer anymore, and now itunes won't run to put music back on it. i've tried to "end the nonresponsive program" three times now and it still won't go away. ctrl+alt+del. do it.....still not working. right-clicking in the start bar didn't work either. five times. i hate my computer. i kinda want a new one, but at the same time i'm afraid i'll need to get one. if i do, i'm making it a mac. enough of this shit. but i'd rather not spend the money and i won't be able to get my parents to do it for me. they just bought my brother a computer for his high school graduation, and it was a dell because dells are cheapest. (read: that's what i'm dealing with right now.) i actually have no idea if my problems have to do with the kind of computer i'm using. but i choose to believe that getting a different kind of computer can't hurt.

i wrote something today. it almost had a plot. not really. but i got very excited about it, because i don't write things often. at least, not things like that. i write in my journal almost every day, and i write stuff here on occasion (still not very often, but more often than i write things that i think of as "writing"; we could argue about that sometime)

i don't like that parenthesis and the way it makes the sentence go but this is stream-of-consciousness so i'm leaving it.

i might post it at some point. who knows. i need a tag for "fiction." i just started tagging things. i don't know if that's useful. somebody got in touch with me over facebook saying he'd read a bunch of my poetry, so maybe he used it. that would make it useful.

i went to a party tonight, but i swear i'm sober. my roommate doesn't believe me, but it's true. you're not going to believe me either, because people who insist on their sobriety usually don't possess it. believe what you want. i know what's true.

fucking itunes. fucking computer.

anyway, the party was good. i won't write about it too much. good company and fun times. and who knows what other people will remember in the morning.

i'm debating just going to bed. i'm waiting for someone to call me. at one o'clock on friday morning. the thing is, as i discussed with my roommate just a few minutes ago, no matter what i might do earlier in the evening, there's still only one person i really want to be going back to at the end of the night.

who would have thought that would change.

if you're reading this (an earlier you), which i assume you're not but you might be......i don't know what i hope your reaction is so i can't anticipate it or

FUCKING ITUNES!!!

...so i can't anticipate it or respond to it. but i'm okay with you now, and i hope you're okay with me....that's what i was getting at in that email, and i'm not sure you understood. i should have just said it straightforwardly.

i know that some things don't belong on the internet, but i did that in the last two stream-of-consciousnesses at least. this is all going up. i'm not saying anything harmful, and i don't believe i'm even saying anything particularly insensitive.

my window is open and there's almost a breeze. it is 66 degrees outside, or so my taskbar tells me. fucking itunes. why won't my computer work.

i wrote something today....

and why won't you call. i might just go to bed; what an idea.

i don't know how i feel about that.

i wonder when i should stop this. phone!!

stream-of-consciousness VII

feels like it's about time for another one of these. i'm tired. this week is actually not as bad as i thought it would be....it was just that paper. everything else is just homework. there's always homework. i don't mind it. if it's reading, i generally don't do it. i should. i try. i catch up before exams, generally. the semester still needs to end, by general consensus. and because semesters should always end. that's why they're called "semesters." it's actually not, but it results from it. ... yeah.

anyway, so i do stupid things. what else is new? perhaps when this is done i'll take a nap.

posting for the sake of posting!! yay!!

i'm worried. you're away message says you're going crazy. anything i can do? this belongs in an IM, not a blog. oh well. stream-of-consciousness. my best excuse for everything.

[editing out six paragraphs]

some things don't belong on the internet. i think i'll save this to my computer instead.

stream-of-consciousness VI

i would love to write something really profound having to do with people and the ways they interact. and the stupidity of "sleeping with" as a euphemism for sex. but profundity is eluding me at the moment, so the best i can hope for is throwing around lots of big words, and that might not work either. why don't i have a shelf above my desk? that is upsetting. the dictionary and thesaurus are sitting on the corner of my desk and i'm going to have nowhere, absolutely nowhere, to put my school books when i get them. which ought to be soon. maybe i'll have to get another shelf to put somewhere. anyway, that came from thesaurus which came from big words which have ceased to happen. but i got "profundity" and "eluding" right next to each other. and right now i'm talking to shannon who i miss terribly but who is coming home tomorrow. strange how "home" can mean different things at the same time but it's really that one place you can never seem to find, unless you are very lucky, and i don't think i am right now. more confused than lucky. dear god. i haven't written like this in far too long. i need to remember how good it is to have a keyboard under my fingers so i can move faster than pen-and-paper and maybe come close to getting my thoughts out properly. i know i've written this before, probably many times. either way. either what way? that doesn't make sense. i need to pause and think of something to write about. end a very long paragraph. or maybe not, because then i start thinking about thinking and it goes on and on. now the window is blinking, and i will check it, and then come back to another paragraph. so.

the trouble is that i know exactly what i want, but i want it without hurting anyone. and that doesn't seem possible right now, so i'm being driven to a lack of honesty by means of purposefully neglecting to mention things...

the whole purpose of this is to be known. editing negates honesty, i think, at least in some situations. i'm sure prof. kafka would have something else to say about that, and i'd probably agree with whatever it was, which is why i was thinking about this in the first place. this exercise is to put a piece of my brain, a piece of my thinking, out into the world for other people to see, so that there is some hope that someone might witness my life, my existence....my being. if i were trying to craft something perfectly, i would come back and edit it until every word was exactly right, but right now i'm just trying to express how i think, what i feel, and sometimes the words don't come quick enough or they don't fit quite right but that's what you're thinking, and the point is not to fix it later, but to capture that moment, when you were thinking, and to make it tangible, legible.

i like anyone who will give me an entire pizza for free. yay arrival survival. yay free things!

i have nothing to do for the rest of the day and everybody else is out exploring dubiously safe areas of the city with freshmen. i would write but i did that already. i might do more. the plan was to tune guitars, and i will probably, soon. i have all day. i should pick up my books, too. hopefully they are there. and then i'll know what kind of storage i still need. bah. we'll have to run that ikea trip soon.

stream-of-consciousness V

it's been over a month since i posted anything, and i'm sitting here procrastinating, so i might as well write something. i'm going to target in a little bit but i don't want to stand out in the cold waiting for the bus and as there is only one route that takes me exactly where i'd like to go i looked up the schedule (gasp) and am waiting to go outside in the cold until it is almost here. alex will be joining me. good times. i haven't seen him in a while. and i should be studying for my multiple midterms (1 down, 2 to go) but i don't want to anymore. i like multiple choice and true-false questions. and linguistics is linguistics and i love it so i should be fine. i need groceries. i like eating 3 meals a day. campus food is icky. alex claims to be "homemaker motivated" so maybe he can share some of that with me. however i want nothing to do with his buying pants. i like giftcards. they are ever so convenient. i like that i don't have to pay for my groceries right now if i go to target. this was exactly why i asked for giftcards to there for christmas (thank you for paying attention, the person who got me a card to macy's....by the way i shop at goodwill for clothes).....blah. this week is....this week could stand to be a week later. i also need to finish my essay for my housing application....silly honors community. but oh, how i love it. stream of consciousness makes me happy. especially with a keyboard in front of me. it goes so much faster than writing with a pen and the words are less likely to get blocked up in my head resulting in the loss of something.

i love the girl.

that's really pretty important. and kind of awesome. oh wow, it just occurred to me that anyone who can see my profile on facebook has the link to this site....i wonder if he'll explore. oh well. it's time for him to know anyway, i suppose. but we never talk. which is kind of ok. i think we could get along very well if we never talk except for once in a while. it's strange how relationships change....i could make a study of it. just from my own life. i think most people could. the things you don't expect to ever happen.....in any direction. i like life.

so yeah, my tattoo idea has gone out of fashion in my brain....it pops up every now and again. i don't think about it much. i'll probably think about it some more over the summer when i get bored. i need a job. would anyone like to give me a job? a paid internship somewhere would be nice. unfortunately i'm not qualified enough for anything internship-like. one year of college, woohoo.....that'll land me back at the grocery store, most likely. which i wouldn't mind, but i don't think they want to hire me again because the store manager is a douchebag. that's a really fun word. but i probably shouldn't put it on the internet. oh, fuck, nobody knows who i am. sort of. and even if they do, he's not hiring me again anyway....it's so ridiculous. i do good work for you when i'm there. why wouldn't you want to hire me again, even if it is just for the summer? can it possibly cost that much to change your payroll, or not even take me off it but give me a fucking leave of absence, which is what i wanted at the end of the summer anyway. i wonder if the movie theater ever gave up on me. see what the difference is when i actually like my job? i liked coming home from work last summer not feeling like i wanted to kill myself. that was pleasant.

computer geeks are silly. i <3>

i wonder. if you love something really a lot, should it be >3? or is it one of those things where the intensity increases the smaller the number? like, the number is volume but the mass stays the same? so the density goes up? so if you love someone tons it would be <2>

yay procrastination.

bus is supposed to be there around 4:10. *sigh*....buses. i like the city buses, actually. yay public transportation.

yay lots of things!

stream-of-consciousness IV

haven't done one of these in a while; thought i might bother to do it again. i'm not sure i actually have anything to say....the semester's almost over and i can't wait....maybe that's not entirely true. maybe it is. i'm tired of this semester....my classes are killing me and i want to move on. except they're not killing me right now because i have this procrastinatory disease....i want to talk to the girlfriend but i'm not sure i actually feel like making the effort....and i should try to write something for my paper but i'm doing this instead, and i think i'm dangerously close to falling asleep....it's not that my habits have gotten that much worse (yes it is) but i'm so tired of it all that i just don't feel like doing it anymore....watch, i'll be better in january (no i won't)....i want to go do calculus with alex, all recent definitions um....hm. maybe i should listen to what i'm saying. i don't know what i'm saying. yay, stream-of-consciousness. my brain is crazy. don't you just love it.....my roommate is driving me crazy but i don't want to tell her but i think she reads my blog so this will be a fun conversation....i love her but sometimes.....it's that way with everyone, isn't it? "arc--something!!" that was fun. i think i made my professor laugh. back to calculus again. hehe i just edited my stream-of-consciousness; i don't like doing that. but i really have nothing to say. life is good, i suppose....the semester's almost over...i said that already. i had free pizza tonight. yay. and filled out a survey and entered a drawing and didn't win anything. i don't feel like being in my room anymore but i have noplace to go and i really should go to sleep. ha. i did laundry today, that was nice. i like doing laundry. it's just so inconvenient.

stream-of-consciousness III

those things that i never really need to say but feel a need to put words on paper or in a little box with typeface.....who knows. the world is full of words that didn't even need to be there. and that sort of creates all other sorts of crap. hopefully i'm not creating crap by putting out random words, just throwing around some weird sort of energy perhaps. energy is a good thing. under most circumstances. occasionally it's good to have no energy. i've been sick the last couple days so of course i'm sleeping somewhere else. sometimes i'm a little silly i guess. irrational. let's prefer that word for now. "i'm a college student; i'm allowed to be irrational. and it's saturday night, besides." i like having nights free.....i've gotten a lot accomplished today actually. we had a homework party. and i read a lot. i only have about 20 pages left to read for tuesday. but i need to do my calculus homework. and find out when the language lab is open so i can do that section for my italian class.....i ought to burn the cd but i'd have to get a blank cd. i rather like italian i suppose....maybe i should have taken french. who knows. all romanze languages are basically the same (that was almost a typo but i like it with a z i think. i've seen it somewhere.) i'm waiting to be able to say something really pretty....yesterday was good i think; i hadn't seen jake all week. it's nice to see people. it's an entirely different kind of good when i see people i'm not supposed to see all week. i.e. people who don't live in my building. but whose living in my building would be exponentially more convenient. why am i here? ooh i'm not going all cosmic, no. i'm here to watch a movie at 11 and then go to sleep. or something like that. i like this movie it's a good movie it's a little old i think it's about as old as i am but it's still good. and lord knows how old monty python is i think it's even older. i like stream-of-consciousness because i feel no guilt for letting my thoughts spill onto a page. i keep waiting for an interruption but that may not happen for awhile. i don't think i would like having my stream-of-consciousness interrupted but it would be impossible to continue if it were. blah. annnnnyway. yes. there are still words in my brain. somewhere. they like to hide from me periodically, usually at the most inopportune times....it's rather a pain. i like my paper journal; it's at home and i am not. it's funny how "home" can change. i'm not homesick but today i miss my high school. not high school....my high school. you need to make this distinction....i don't think i will ever miss high school, but i miss the place i used to go. honestly i spent more of my waking hours there than i did at my house. for a long time. it's hard to just leave....it really wasn't but today i miss it more than usual. i woke up this morning and put on my class ring and started wondering why i still wear it, because so few people do, but it means so much to me. i find it hard to believe that when i graduate from college i'll feel the same. ha, yes, i did just delete the name of the school and change it to college because i prefer to remain as anonymous as possible. i don't think i've put a location anywhere.....i should check on that. it doesn't really matter. i doubt i'll be stalked really. i'm not provocative enough. if you're going to stalk me, please have a good reason for it. or be very open about it and joking. those are fun relationships. i wonder how many people are jokingly stalking me at any given time. it's probably more likely that i'm jokingly stalking someone else. i have those tendencies. i don't like the way this computer types....i may have to speak to her about this. oh, but i love her so....i haven't written a sonnet since the beginning of august. i feel dead poetically. i want to write another. maybe i should try to do that. sometimes sonnets are hard. especially when i'm sick, but the last time that happened i wrote a sonnet about how that's a lousy excuse. i don't really write any kind of poetry anymore. i used to write poetry all the time, in middle school, and it was all really crappy. i wonder what happened to lewie. [pause.] i don't think about him all that much anymore but when i do, it's heavy. i loved him deeply; he was my best friend and i'm not sure he ever knew. sometimes i wonder what might have happened if everything had been different. but that's such a general statement it should be true for everyone at least once. do you ever think about your life and how it would be so different if you had changed one decision? like if i were in boston right now....(i won't tell you where i am but i'll tell you where i'm not.) who knows; this all might never have happened. and where would i be? this is so good. i'd probably be falling for some gay guy. how unfortunate. luckily that's not the case....i do believe i am exactly where i need to be at this point in my life, and i have a meeting with my advisor on monday morning to ensure that i will continue to be there next semester. i want to take a religious studies/philosophy type course next semester. and intro to bio. hopefully the lab will not kill me; i'm very concerned about over-long labs. hello, i've waited here for you....no no no those words are not the same. i've had godspell music stuck in my head off-and-on for a few days now. i like godspell. i think this paragraph has gotten exceptionally long. bah. who needs paragraphs. i'm reading dos passos and it's interesting; i like the way he structures his paragraphs sometimes. his words read like the mind. i'm always a fan. i want to read oh who's that author...joyce, but i think that would hurt my brain. maybe next summer. maybe next year. maybe next lifetime. maybe in my next lifetime i'll be joyce. ha. i don't think it works that way. i think if i had ever been joyce, or if i were ever going to be joyce, i'd have at least the slightest inkling by now. like who was that lady i think i was.....she might have been anonymous not famous which is probably the case, oh yes now i'm quite certain. the words coming out of my head are beginning to sound stranger. life is odd. but quite worth it.

i think that's enough for now.

stream-of-consciousness II

so i have no idea what to write here, but i know i need to write something. i really should go back to my paper journal because i didn't get the chance last night and that would probably help more, but here i can be all vague and intriguing and shit like that.

it's really just ridiculous. but i was having a good talk with jen this morning which hopefully i will be able to continue later.

my contacts in my cell phone must look absolutely ridiculous to anyone who isn't me. secret symbols and whatnot....i think that's still on the board on the door, too. i hope so. all of us who have message boards should have one.

someday soon i'll need to use this computer for actual work, not just playing around. and i want to turn off the excess lights in this room....

yay for opening the windows!

i think it's silly; i've been in this city for 4 days where supposedly it rains all the time, and it's been sunny every day. at least that's nice for walking outside a lot, which i've had to do a bit of.

i should probably find something productive to do today but i don't wanna. things i need to do before classes start:
1) find where all my classes are so i can get to them in a reasonable amount of time and without getting lost
2) check out that other bookstore and see if i can find anything for cheaper.

you know, i don't think that will work because i just looked at my receipt and i can only return books if i drop a course. damn.

i'm finding more and more things about this school that piss me off. don't get me wrong, i love it here and i'm looking forward to spending time here, but some of the bureaucratic operations (books being the least of them, i'm sure) are a pain in the ass. like last night. that was just ridiculous. for so many reasons....

((but entirely worth it.))

semicolons are my favorite punctuation mark.

and tonight i can use my desk lamp! which is actually on the dresser which i'm using for a nightstand....yay for inaccurate descriptions of household objects. but i finally got a new lightbulb, which may not make sense to anyone who doesn't live here/know me because i haven't put the story up. it's not very interesting. basically i had an old lightbulb which was a bad idea and i was trying to fix it when it didn't turn on and it broke in my hand. but not in a painful way.

sometime in the foreseeable future i'm going to have to do laundry.

i should find out where that transfer student thing is because supposedly i am meeting people there... oh good. i have a class in that building. and i know i walked past it monday night...which means i still have no idea where it is.

i think this has gotten long enough. more later perhaps.

oh by the way i somehow ended up on the facebook. *shudders*

stream-of-consciousness

i was getting worried because i thought someone had synced the clocks, and that was going to be scary. but it turned out to be just the two in this room, and one of them doesn't really make noise anyway. there is a place in my house where you can stand and hear three different clocks ticking . . . it scares me. time is my archnemesis. there is nothing worse than when you are with someone and you want it never to end but there is a clock, and you can hear the minutes ticking by . . . i had something else in my brain but now it is gone. this is happening to me alot tonight. i was trying to write an email but i lost something important i wanted to say. oh and i was going to tell you all something about myself but i forget what it was. my brain . . . i have a pen garden and a red plastic rose and they make me feel special. not to mention the pen garden may be the coolest thing i will have in my room this fall . . . mostly because of the whole writing thing. i was writing a short story a little while ago but it's going very slowly and i'm having a hard time with it. i write about a paragraph every week and a half, or something like that. i know what's going to happen; it's the specifics that are hard. and my wrist hurts . . . i probably did something to it at work. grr. being a cashier is hazardous. especially today . . . i spent six hours at work that felt like ten. then i was invited to a lesbian karaoke bar, and i wanted to go but i just couldn't tonight. i'll probably never get the chance again. the thing is i think this girl is the shit . . . i would never go out with her, it's not that kind of thinking she's the shit, but more the way i'm intimidated by certain kinds of people. and then she was being nice to me and i thought she didn't like me. so that was kinda cool . . . it was a little funny cuz i saw her, i guess she came in to pick up a check or something, and i thought it was a dude and then i realized, Oh, it's her, and it made sense again. and my bumper sticker knowledge has been expanded. i want one of those now. so much more subtle than rainbows, i think. if i can't figure it out?....but i'm not too quick sometimes, so i shouldn't use that as the standard for anything. dammit, what was i going to say? i like music. that wasn't it but it crossed my mind because i saw "dammit" and then i thought "blink-182" and then i thought "music".....i think that song was on the first batch of crap i stole from geri a couple summers ago . . . wow. that was a project. i got a bunch more this summer but i haven't burned it to cds cuz i just put it on the ipod . . . oh, yeah, by the way, i have an ipod that i use because i have it. but i like cds. and i plan to continue buying them. i'm also a musician which tends to make me think that stealing music is bad . . . it depends on the music, and the stealing. i did burn "steal this album!" by system of a down, because they told me too. the other night i had a dream that my dad died. this is the second time this has happened; the first was exactly a month before. it kinda freaked me out.....

last night i went out with my two best friends and it was strange, because of other things that have happened that i don't feel like sharing with you yet. not knowing who you are and all. i want to write about that on paper but i haven't gotten to it yet.

there was something that was really in my head alot and i wanted to write about it in an email and in my paper journal but i cannot remember what it was! sometimes i dislike contractions. it isn't so much that i dislike them, as that i think it is fun not to use them occasionally. i also enjoy stringing bunches of big words together as often as possible to make my sentences more interesting, but i think it confuses people more often than not. actually they usually laugh. she always laughs. <3

if you want an essay with structure, wait. it will happen later. but for now, this blog is not for you.

i have aspirations of changing the political scene. but there is no way that's going to happen. at least, not here. not yet. i need to register to vote, because i can do that now. tonight in the car it occurred to me that i can do things like say i'll go to a lesbian bar, and go, because nobody can stop me. and i realized that i'm 18 and suddenly felt about 3 inches taller. it was interesting. just short of empowering. exhilarating. which i think i always misspell. always think i misspell? hm.

i think i might consider going to sleep, sometime. the time is always going to be the time i started typing. but i've seriously been working on this for about fifteen minutes. just to keep you informed. if you exist and are reading this. which you are probably not. at least not at the moment.