afterlife

Peter and I used to have conversations through music, and occasionally, we still do.

"Under Pressure" is playing on the turntable in my living room.
in my mind, i tell him, "i'm sorry i didn't get your record player."
in my mind, he answers, "you got out. that's all that matters."

veritas.

Goodnight, Ziggy Stardust

David Bowie makes me think of Peter.
Disclaimer: My knowledge of Bowie is unfortunately limited. I saw Labyrinth once, when I was about 20. The only song I can name is Under Pressure. 
Bowie was one of the 80s icons Peter emulated in fabulousness. The blatant disregard for gender roles. The habit of saying only the right thing at the right time. The hair.

Hearing news of David Bowie's passing evoked memories of Nelson Mandela, of Maya Angelou, and of Peter himself. Peter would have been the one to tell me, simply and with urgency. He would expand my knowledge by sending me exactly the right link to the perfect video that would fill me with understanding of Bowie's cultural and personal significance.

All grief is the same grief. One loss feels the same as another loss, on a primal level, even though each experience of grieving is unique. Peter is David Bowie is Freddie Mercury is Nelson Mandela is my grandmother is the breeze and the waves and the stars. Once you have experienced grief, it never leaves you. It becomes part of your everyday life. You learn to live with it, and it fades into the background, until you experience another loss. All the loss feelings are connected, and one experience evokes memories of another and the feelings deepen in intensity. And you grow in your ability to manage it and to live with this part of your life. Our losses shape us. Grief teaches us. The ways we handle grief mark how we've grown.

She texted me, "If there's anyone who can make you think there's someplace to go after, it's him. I imagine there's a raucous concert going on right now." I replied, "David and Freddie are rocking Under Pressure in non-linear time. Peter is headbanging in his soft human way." "And that grin."

Let's all sing our hearts out from the midpoint of gender and the absolute certainty of our worth, not caring what they think of us because we care too deeply about our own Truth. Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love...

Sunday Morning Affirmations

I make really good zucchini bread.

I had a good chat with my dad on the phone yesterday for his birthday.

I am taking the time I need to take care of myself. I am evaluating my habits, thoughts, and actions.

I am trying to remember that there is no such thing as "should."

I eat the food I have, and I am grateful for it.

I think about the future. I have several-year-distant plans for my career. This is important.

I am making friends and acknowledging my reluctance to trust. I am learning about boundaries: how to set them, how to enforce them, and how to respect other people's.

I am aware of the privilege that allows me my comfort. I pray for its obsolescence, and for my courage in giving up my privilege where I can to support the liberation of others.

A Precious Human Life

Think every day as you wake up:

Today I am fortunate to have woken up.

I am alive. I have a precious human life

And I am not going to waste it.

I am going to use

All of my energies to develop myself,

To expand my heart out to others,

To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.

I am going to have kind thoughts towards others.

I am not going to get angry or think badly about others.

I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

--H.H. the XIVth Dalai Lama

This prayer hangs on the wall of the room where I stayed when I left.
I started praying it every day, and I keep the habit still.
The most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me came from the woman I dated for four months who remembered that I mentioned it one time and found a copy of the scroll as a housewarming gift, so I could hang it on my own wall.

Its beginning has grabbed me differently these past two days.

Many days, using all of my energy to develop myself becomes a reminder to rest.
I cannot benefit others if I do not take care of myself.

Most days, when I reach the lines about kind thoughts, anger, bad thoughts, and benefit,
I think of specific people or situations.
If I am being good, it is early enough in the day that I can set those intentions for any interactions that may follow.