Good weather days

Today was a perfect weather day in Pittsburgh. Sunny, upper 70s, low humidity. I decided early on not to take those for granted. In college, that translated to a lot of time spent outside. I remember when S* and I used to read on Schenley Plaza and watch dads play with their kids.

The last few days have all been relatively good, for weather, and I have spent most of my time inside. By choice. The truth is, today was a perfect weather day, and while that made it pleasant for being outside, it also made it enjoyable to be in my living room. The afternoon sun streamed in the back window, with an occasional breeze blowing through. The thermostat peaked at 80 degrees (low, since June). I wanted to be in my home. I even wanted to be in my kitchen! (I made hummus with a potato masher. It wasn't bad, for my first go at making hummus! Now I know how easy it is and how I want to season it.) I did spend some time sitting out on the fire escape, wearing sunglasses and drinking a beer.

Even though I didn't spend much time outside,  I'm sure I didn't take this good weather day for granted. I enjoyed being in my home. I felt safe and comfortable in my nest. It feels good to be here. That is important time to have.

returning to a softer world

I hadn't let A Softer World kick me in the gut in a long time.

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=1216

there's an entire story here that begins in a Moe's restaurant in upstate new york in june of 2014
so many subplots with so many significant events and so many associated feelings.

A Precious Human Life

Think every day as you wake up:

Today I am fortunate to have woken up.

I am alive. I have a precious human life

And I am not going to waste it.

I am going to use

All of my energies to develop myself,

To expand my heart out to others,

To achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.

I am going to have kind thoughts towards others.

I am not going to get angry or think badly about others.

I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

--H.H. the XIVth Dalai Lama

This prayer hangs on the wall of the room where I stayed when I left.
I started praying it every day, and I keep the habit still.
The most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me came from the woman I dated for four months who remembered that I mentioned it one time and found a copy of the scroll as a housewarming gift, so I could hang it on my own wall.

Its beginning has grabbed me differently these past two days.

Many days, using all of my energy to develop myself becomes a reminder to rest.
I cannot benefit others if I do not take care of myself.

Most days, when I reach the lines about kind thoughts, anger, bad thoughts, and benefit,
I think of specific people or situations.
If I am being good, it is early enough in the day that I can set those intentions for any interactions that may follow.

disorganized overshare

I need my community today.

Not being on facebook, there's a lot that I miss. People assume that everyone sees everything, and I am very often forgotten. Yesterday, two different people--one of them my ex-husband, who does not communicate with me--sent text messages to inform me of a community member's passing.

I had not been close with this person over the last many months. I don't know if I would say that we were ever close, but we definitely had a relationship. The news of her death struck me, and I'm not sure yet how to respond.

Each death is different. All grief is the same, but each time we encounter grief we must experience it in the way appropriate to the situation. (Appropriate for each of us as individuals! I certainly don't mean to suggest that there are right or wrong ways to express grief.) This is the first time I've had to process a loss of this kind since my life turned over.

How do I talk about that, even? I mean, I'm going to need some specific, brief way to refer to the chain of events that comprised the year I was 27, still continues, and changed everything forever. My life collapsed. Now I am rebuilding it. I have a more solid foundation than I knew. 

I loved Nancy's energy. She brought such great enthusiasm to everything she did, and she had so many great ideas. She was truly dedicated to bettering our community using her skills and her resources. Nancy saw that everyone had a story, and she wanted to share queer and trans stories with as many people as she could.  I am honored that she filmed and published the piece I read at TransPride 2014. To even say that in the same paragraph feels selfish. 

Everything I experience is colored by the influence that he had on my life. I am frustrated by it now. Everywhere I go, something pops up that reminds me of him. I reached into a pocket of a bag I brought to my parents' house and found a pair of his leather cuffs. Everywhere I go, he is there. I am trying to remind myself that this is not because he still has control over me. It is because we spent four years of our life together. We built a history, and then we separated a household. Things shuffle and get lost and found in that process. 

Anyway, I don't want to become a person who takes death and makes it all about myself. There are others who were much closer to Nancy who are grieving harder than I am, and my role is to feel my own feelings while supporting those people in any way that I can. How do I make myself available to those people? Where are they? What can I do? Who can I feed?

homecoming, number whichever

I'm trying to go to sleep, but sleep eludes me. My schedule has been all messed up over vacation. I slept for 12 hours a night, plus a nap most days. Then three hours the night before we left. I let Dad drive most of that trip.

My mind is racing, and I don't know where to direct it. I want to direct it to calm down, to go to sleep, because it's bedtime and we can do that right now. It disagrees. I went to sleep around 11:00 last night and woke up about 9:30 this morning, the last time. I am developing new motor patterns for this keyboard. It's smaller than most of the ones I have used, and some of the hotkeys/key combinations are different. Most of them are. There are fewer keys.

I need something I can tell to stop default capitalizing. I might not want capital letters right now.

I try to go to sleep and I start thinking about C, and work, and my students, and women…. Lately I've been thinking about more of C's stories and wondering how much was true. Some of them were plausible. The problem was that all of them were plausible, for far too long.

I'm sure there was plenty to process from vacation. I don't know that I'll want to take a trip like that again. It was kind of….stressful. And could have been at least 2 days shorter than it was. I worry sometimes that because my parents were, or always seemed to be, looking for ways to spend more time with their families on vacation, that they are hurt when I don't. or that they are hurt just because they're my parents and they love me.

I really do need to be here. I need to be on my own. Pittsburgh is where I've found home. I was so excited to come home today. My neighbor Sam said he heard me when I got in saying something about it, don't know if I was talking to the cats or the door or what. The best part about leaving Pittsburgh really is coming back. I drove all the way around the city today, even though I didn't have to. I wanted to see it, to see Downtown gleaming in the sunset from every angle. I came through right after the Pirates game started, so traffic was moving at mostly fun paces. I went around a curve over the North Shore and the smell of hotdogs filled my car. I turned my head and saw the boats in the river, hoping to catch a ball that got hit out of the park. The city smelled like baseball, and I loved it like new again.

I miss you, small but loyal blog circle. I've been quite out of the habit. Hopefully I'll have more for you soon, given the improved computer situation. I'm enjoying this little thing so far. I transcribed some voice notes I'd recorded into my phone a while back, so maybe some of that will turn into writing, and some scraps might make their way here. Remember that every time I say I should write about something, I don't.

I am rediscovering myself, and I have changed. It will be necessary for my sanity that I continue to sort out my thoughts this way.

On another note, at B's recommendation I am reading On the Move, Oliver Sacks's autobiography. I haven't finished it yet, and I am thoroughly enjoying it so far.

Big day!

I just got myself a new computer. I haven't had one since September. I missed two-hand typing! Hopefully this will make for some positive changes in my writing/internet/home life. I'm extra excited because it's one of those nifty new(ish) flippy ones that you can position in 4 different ways and use as a tablet. This morning, I picked up my car after having its second bumper replaced in a year and a half of owning it. It looks so shiny and intact! I'm preparing to travel with my family of origin for the first time in years. I think we're taking my car. Should be an interesting trip! I'm excited to stare at a lake and do nothing for a few days. There are so many things I should be doing to get ready, but I'm just not interested in any of them. It's too damn hot in this top-floor apartment, so I prefer to hide in the one room that has air conditioning. I find myself smiling a lot lately. I truly enjoy my life. Ah, clicking keys feel so good!

update:

I'm starting to process my abuse and recovery in writing. This is a good sign. Not ready to share just yet. 8 months tomorrow since I left. My life is probably the best it's ever been. I know with certainty that I am loved.